Thank God for Small Miracles....

This was a truly weird weekend. I spent Friday night defending my honor (and my fidelity to Berger.... but in a good way that made me actually realize that I'm with him, for better or for worse.... even if he does dump me tomorrow. I'm in this.) And then Saturday I spent watching white guys rap in Washington Square Park while reading novels about women in prison for work, and then I spent the night away in Bklyn with our favorite married couple, M&M, who took me in after I got apartment-exiled.

Then today I came home expecting a bunch of hungover people from my roomie's party (hence the apt exile) and instead I got my friend back. (It's a long story, but my roommate and I have not been communicating well now for awhile, and of course we were feeling the EXACT same way about each other! Terrific irony in this apartment, I say.)

I had a lot of work to do this weekend and I was so riled up that this afternoon when all the work was done that I finally sat down with a blankie and Jennifer Weiner's IN HER SHOES. I cried alot (blame it on the BC); and I can't imagine the waterworks when Grey's Anatomy comes on in a few minutes.

My cousin Jesse also had a baby shower today back in Wisconsin. I always looked up to Jesse; she was popular, pretty and had much better hair than I did all throughout high school. When I was 22, visiting her and her husband in England (they were there for his military service) she told me that she was always jealous of me because I was such an individual! Anyway, I made the call my mom reccomended to congratulate her. All my female relatives on my mom's side were there; I did the strained conversation with my cousin Katie, an archeologist who speaks Urdu as well as talked with Jesse, my mom and my second mom (Aunt Wendy). Jesse had a crazy Midwestern accent, and Katie said that "your mom has been telling us about all the lovely things you're doing in New York..." and so I thought about all the lovely things I HAVE done in NYC... especially my walks around the city that I've been starting to do on the weekends for hours at a time.

Our landlord apparently dropped off the renewal for our lease yesterday as well. So I thought about the past 525,600 minutes. I've changed SO much in the past year. I saw earlier today in my journal that I wrote in November that I changed so much I didn't know myself anymore. But that's not true. I do. I just needed to remember.

I had the perfect moment of revelation earlier and didn't realize it until the hormones from the BC, the reconciliation with my roomie and subsequent journaling, and the perfect chick lit novel kicked in. Yesterday while shopping at Maxx, the fitting room guy got me a size 4 skirt. And I pulled on (barely) size 4 jeans- and I felt like I had accomplished what I set out to do in January 2005.

But what's really cool about the "new" body is that today I walked the entire Central Park loop, starting at 59th and going uptown on the east side and downtown on the west. I got to the part where it flattens out at 80th St and started to run. I always run faster than the people that actually jog the whole way 'round but this time I could feel the muscles in my legs WANTING to sprint, wanting to test themselves. I let myself gain power for a second and then pulled it back, controlling my muscles.

And to a girl that never really had any athletic ability that felt GOOD.

I apologize for the ramble, but this is what you get with a girl on the second day of mad estrogen hormones to keep from getting knocked up.

Weekend Withdrawl

Berger and I have now progressed to the part of the relationship we used to call in my comm studies undergrad interpersonal comm class as "the honeymoon stage". We've spent almost the entire two weekends together.

Last weekend, case in point. Friday I went to kill some time after work with Danielle, walking down to meet Jackie at V Bar, and then went over to network with Polly and other bloggers...which was just as cool as I expected it to be, and when Berger called to meet me, I had him meet me there. Since we were rocking the blog names, he remained Berger for those two beers, and then we headed out to Park Slope for the Bklyn Underground Film Festival.

Let me tell you, there is only one better thing than sitting on your boyfriend's lap, watching film shorts.... and that is finding him after you lose him during the open bar hour. Classic. And then we went home via a Hell's Kitchen Diner and dancing on the train (Including singing, per usual!)

Saturday I was to go out with Michelle, Autumne and the Karaoke girls to a karaoke bar in Chelsea. Berger was out in L.I. at his grandma's 85th birthday party (I know, how sweet!) and called me on his way back and wandered up to the restaurant where were dining. He even sang at the karaoke bar and stayed with the girls on girls night until 2am when we finally left to catch a cab home.

Sunday morning we woke up with my roomie and her lover, ordered omelettes from the diner and then headed out to the Yankees game (His uncle gave him free tickets at the aforementioned bday party). I was determined to go despite that it was pouring when we woke up. The Yanks did play and I enjoyed telling him that the difference between the national and american leagues. Then we went back downtown into Manhattan and I had to leave him on our way back at my stop.

He ended up calling that night (he had to have dinner with his mom and sister, again, how sweet it is that he's so into family) and then we walked each other home from work yesterday.

Alas, I'm kidnapping him on Thursday so that we can spend some time together before he heads upstate for the weekend. It will be nice to have a break, but I'm going to miss him like crazy.

This, of course, being the precursor to all things unhealthy, including fights, misinterpreted actions and of course, less sex.

Hence, the honeymoon period.

Berger and I are having a budding romance, but we still hit rough spots. I guess that's natural, but am I supposed to be thrown off balance when we hit a rocky patch?

We had a wonderful night together; he met me at a LES bar where I was meeting with Dolly and other bloggers (see the new links section to the right, read some of those blogs please) and had a couple drinks and then we headed out to the Brooklyn Underground Film Festival.

We sat apart which sucked (we had to) but came back together for the last two shorts which were pretty good overall. We also saw Cathy & Ben, who used to work in our departments at work last year and I saw my friend Essie randomly... overall very fun. We made it home via a subway and a cab, and went to brunch this morning.....

I left him happy, satiated and feeling wonderful this morning. So much so that before getting on the subway, I said to him, "This is going really well, isn't it?" And I was sure I hadn't freaked him out until he called me at 2pm citing that I had said something remotely derogatory in jest this morning. I know he's right to call me on these things, but should his radar still be tuned so sensitively?

So now I'm in a minor freakout mode, although I know that in the grand scheme of things this will likely blow over. But I really, really like him. I've opened my heart to him and I'm afraid he'll go away. And I can't let my big mouth affect this relationship. Unless its to say good things.

I left a voicemail full of good things - hopefully he'll listen to it and accept that I really enjoy being with him, because of his flaws and because I suspect he may make me a better person.

And isn't that what love is supposed to do?

Another Turkey in Jersey

I went, per usual, for a run/walk across the GW Bridge... and walked over to Palisades Park which is right outside of Fort Lee, NJ...I was almost back to the end of the park that leads to the street when I see two rabbits. Cute... but keep running. I stopped, however - IN MY TRACKS, openmouthed- when I saw a turkey.

I turned my head and looked back. Yep there's the Empire State in the distance past the towers of the G Dub... and here's a turkey. I know from my background that male turkeys (like roosters) will attack if they feel threatened, so I slowly backed off and circled around him. But jesus.... I never expected that.

Using Wisconsin skills to determine if the rain is going to pass overhead on my way to brunch with Berger is one thing (this determined whether we would sit outside at Bleu or not) but remembering the defense mechanisms of turkeys is not.

In other news; I'm hanging out with other bloggers tomorrow night; Dolly from "The Truth about Cocks and Dolls" invited me out; Berger & I have yet another date on Friday (I'm tired tonight because I spent my very first weekday sleepover with him and my first sleepover in Inwood last night, all in one fell swoop) and then on Saturday I'm going to karaoke with Dolly and a Random Assistant, and perhaps Autumne & Mishy will join us. Sunday Kelly & I are brunching and I am going to be a very tired and very broke girl by the time Grey's Anatomy airs.

But all in all, it makes me happy too! More good news: I have won over Jeremy, Berger's friend, and apparently the guy who has the office across from him thinks that he would go for me if he wasn't married (and Mormon). So apparently I've become a hot commodity for Berger's social circle. (Although a combination of me loving "Mr. Plow" from the Simpsons and getting Jeremy a date factored into his major liking of me).

Berger made me a mixed CD; he also started referring to me as his girlfriend. It freaks me out a bit, but I'm all about it just as much: bring on relationship memorabilia, and weekday sleepovers.

On my short walk of shame home (bless those 24 blocks and the A train), I thought about Todd a lot which is the first time in a while. I found pics of him on the digital camera and I finally thought, "Why was I ever attracted to him, really?". Maybe I'm closer to being over him; or maybe its that Berger says he'll punch Todd if Berger meets him drunk. Because that makes me feel better.

Some Fun Pictures

Top: my uncle Mark (whose now easily 55) my grandmother and my mom.

Bottom left: mom and grandma

Bottom middle & right: me circa 1985 and 1987.

Wasn't I cute?

And don't me and my mom look totally alike?

I'm going to apologize in advance for not blogging as much. #1: I can't do it at work, which is the only time I have free time around a computer and #2: its nice outside - I'm out there getting to look Hispanic and #3: I'm happy and don't write nearly as much then.

At Jeremy's listening to guitar lessons

If I had a laptop, I'd be dangerous.

I'm two G&Ts in at Berger's friend Jeremy's apartment, incidentally only six blocks from my apartment. I love Jeremy and he seems to like me just fine which is good. I always think a guy's friends are important to know and like because they are a reflection of the guy themselves.

And Berger is coming out good in this respect. One of the guys over here offered to make me my very own personalized bag, and Jeremy seems really cool (and a great pairup possibly for Kelly.... I love hooking friends up).

Jeremy is teaching bag guy how to play "Tangerine", I'm listening to berger sing next to me while playing a Simpsons Playstation game and we're all waiting for Pearl Jam to be on Saturday Night Live.

This seems scarily like a Saturday night in Wisconsin... but with much cooler people. And that makes all the difference.

That, and I'm about two minutes away from drinking MGD out of a can, smoking a cigarette and being next to the Berger for the third night in a row (The third night with Berger, not MGD... although smoking would probably qualify).

And the Twins won 6 to 5 against the Yanks. Such a great day.

Gayest Weekend Ever, a Carousel Ride & a bout of self loathing followed up by Wilson Phillips-based energy

A long title, I know. Essentially, I had the GAYEST weekend ever (we only went to a straight bar in Hopkins once while I was in the Twin Cities and that was with one straight ex, me, Reid's friend Mandy and two gay guys from Bklyn.

Although I'm pissed that I didn't get to see Justin, Suzy, Josh or Alison (some of which was my fault and some was theirs - Alison or Josh didn't even call me, bastards!) it was a good weekend. I drank coffee on the porch at Uncommon Grounds, went to the 90s and hit on a girl with a really hot Idina Menzel looking girlfriend, and on Sunday I went with Reid to the Bolt for Showtunes and got hit on my more men than he did (in large part to a push up bra and having a piece of anatomy no one else in that bar had). I also sang RENT and Whitney Houston at the top of my lungs and drank tap beers for $8 at the Bolt, which is one of the most weird experiences I've had EVER. (Sitting with all gay men singing Oklahoma while swilling Bud Lite...)

Being, well, ME... I also managed to a) end the week long courtship with Jason, although the friendship is still going strong and b) see my exboyfriend Troy, who I haven't seen in at least 2 years. I saw him both Friday & Sunday night. What happened is too complicated for the blog, but let's just say that he's grown up and I've changed. Despite that there were moments of brilliance and he still wants to marry me, I think we're going to be friends rather than lovers.

Which means my romantic karma evened out for the weekend. When I got back from Minneapolis on Monday, since it was such a nice day (despite me being completely exhausted), Jackie & I wandered around Central Park for hours. We went to the Zoo and saw seals for free, rode the Carousel for $1.50 (they DO let adults on it, and it amuses all the other adults watching their kids) and ate pretzels.

I didn't want to come back - I admit that - but being back on Monday reminded me of why I need to be here. It's my life. And when I fucked up majorly for my new boss at work, she didn't hassle me about it. So between that and a good dose of praise on a letter I wrote for her today, I'm happy. Plus, creating a "14 again" playlist with Boyz II Men, New Kids on the Block, Newsies, and Paula Abdul provided me with the confidence boost and identity definition I so desperately needed.

I stood up for myself when I needed to today and it felt good. I also got a workout in before Jeopardy at 7 which is SOOO rare and indulged in DEAL OR NO DEAL. What can I say? I'm cheesy.

I also read something that inspired me today. It said (and I'm paraphrasing here):

Life is hard. But compared to what?

That's MY rumination for the day.

Pop Recycling

I'm listening to Z100, NYC's version of "the" pop station that you listen to when you're 14 addictively and then grow out of and generally only listen when the annoying DJs aren't on.

And I'm discovering something disturbing. New pop covers of songs that are over 20 years old aren't a recent invention. Certainly. BUT there are certain songs you just don't touch.

Heaven by Bryan Adams? (DJ Sammy) Fine.
Our Lips Are Sealed by the GoGos (Hilary and Haylie Duff) Questionable, certainly (Even though I like the harmony on the new version better.)
Like A Prayer by Madonna? Whoever covered this song is an idiot. It sounds like a bad karaoke dance remix. And who thinks they can remake Madonna?

That combined with the fact that Shakira has been #1 on their top 9 at 9 countdown for FIFTY straight days and that somehow Ashley Angel from O-Town and "Making the Band" fame resuscitated his career (as Ashley PARKER Angel) SIX YEARS LATER is just disgusting.

But, as the purveyor of all things fluffy, I keep listening. I gotta keep up with the kids, after all.

Wait, a second ---- Nickelback still has a career? I'm going back to NPR. At least they KNOW they're not cool (but YOU are, Satirius Johnson.)

A Second Chance

The Berger is no longer the Berger. We had a discussion Thursday under the influence of alcohol that revealed both of us would be jealous if we dated other people.

Then Friday when I took him out for his "Tax Refund Dinner", I dressed up (did my hair curly for him, wore something cute) and we had a couple drinks here. He's one of the few guys that watches my face while i sing along with my favorite songs, to his credit. And we talked and then we decided to date again.

For both of us, its a huge leap off of the giant cliff, since we both had heartbreaks within the last year, and for both of us, each other is worth it.

I texted him last night while I was out with Kelly. All I said was "Hey you. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you." and he texted back "Thought of you all day".

And I wa back. Taking a chance, putting myself out there. So let's see if he's Aidan (sans cheating) or Steve (sans baby) rather than the hapless Berger.

MNPLS: 4 days and counting! YAY!