The L Word

I'm a big believer in that you never know how bad---or how good---a situation or a time in your life was until you've come out on the other side. I was going to blog about a breakthrough I had with Pough, and then I got into an instant message conversation with my old roommate.

Instantly, my chest got tight and I got nervous. Then I realized how much more relaxed I am when I'm not in communication with her, and how GLAD I am that we're not living together anymore. It's so funny, because I made excuses for her the last six months we lived together, saying "Oh she's not so bad". I can't do that anymore--she's THAT bad. I've never really forgiven her for not allowing ME to move out when I wanted to, and now her behavior is to the point where I don't even want to be friends with her. So much drama, and too little time on my hands to deal with it. Part of me wants to throw her stuff on the street tonight and change the locks, but I won't. I'm a better person than that. But when it's time to renew the lease, I'm going to wash my hands of her.

What actually got me thinking about not knowing what you're going through is a conversation with my best friend Lori on Thursday. Lately, our conversations have been about her wedding and problems with her fiancee. But on Thursday, it turned to me. My relationship with Pough nearly ended last Tuesday night because I fucked up. I did something that I knew he would be pissed about, and told him, essentially just fucked up really bad.

But Pough forgave me. I had a pivotal moment Tuesday night, where I mimicked the exact same gesture I made on Todd's back the night he broke up with me. I sat there in the dark, thinking "will i ever have this man back again?" with one of my palms flat on his back, below his shoulder blades. But this time, things were different. The next morning, Pough held me tight. I don't actually remember feeling more emotional when a guy held me, or having a guy hold me that way. We didn't want to go to work because we didn't want to let go. The sheer capacity of this man to forgive amazed me. And because of a conversation with Lori, I realized that for the past couple of months, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop with Pough, essentially waiting for us to break up.

I've been too scared to imagine a relationship without end. What's even worse is that I was constantly telling myself, "this can't be love because it doesn't feel like what I felt with Todd". But what Lori told me is that the second love of your life is nothing like your first. She should know, she's marrying hers. And I'm with mine.

After discussing our feelings at a bar in the West Village, saying that we didn't think we loved each other, Pough said something perfect while waiting for the F train at the West 4th Street stop. The next thing I knew, the L word which I accidentally blurted out at New Years Eve and has been on the tip of my tongue ever since, fell out. He said it back, kissed me, and held me tight until the train arrived and the doors opened.

Now, Pough is definitely not what I expected for Meg's Great Love #2. But a guy that loves the Mets and beer, wants to meet my parents, thinks I'm the greatest thing in the world, and treats my friends with kindness deserves my love alot more than the first guy did.

The moral of the story is that life is good right now. And I've finally come to realize JUST how good it is. So good that I don't have time to blog... but I'll try to be better.

And now, an update on the Cat in the Cage:
Jasper's accustomed to his new living. He whines when he doesn't get fed, but otherwise he's pretty quiet. He's on his new diet, so he may emerge on Tuesday a sleeker version of himself, although I doubt it. I'm guessing he'll pee outside of the catbox within 2 hours of release. And then it's back to Pennsylvania for him!