Living the Life You Want

I think I've been writing too much self-help back cover copy.

I'm on a kick where I'm trying to go after the life I want, not the life I'm living. What does that mean? Well, it means that tomorrow I'm going to go to my bosses' boss and ask her for more work. It also means that I'm planning to budget my ass off so that I can get a new apartment when I'm ready to move out. Because I need to live alone.

I had a taste of it this weekend when my roommate was conspiciously absent during Courtney's visit. It was lovely and I want my Winona single, living alone life back. Lonely though it may be, I don't have to worry about people smoking pot in my apartment, or my roommate coming in drunk late at night. It's because of my roommate specifically AND not because of her at all. I think its a potent combination of the two, but I know what's best for me is to wait until the end of summer and then really start hunting on the move. Since moving involves both the dreaded NYC search, pissing off my roomie AND breaking a lease, I'm not too keen on doing it. But I do want a home of my own. And a cat. So, I'm going to try to save $$$ (something I'm horrible about) and plan for it. It's my next big goal.

Courtney came to visit this past weekend, and it was great having her here. I met her my last year in undergrad, and I love her to death. She was a freshman when I was a senior, and now she's freshly 21 and despite being a light drinker, bars have not lost their appeal. We did everything from the Mets, RENT and the Empire State Building to Little Italy, the Harlem Book Fair and the White Horse Tavern. She & Berger hit it off, and of course Kelly loved her as well. I was sooo exhausted that I was still tired today!

I talked to an old friend last night, and it put my life in perspective a bit. I miss my old friends, family and people who really know me so desperately that I think my present situation is suffering.

But at the same time, I know I have a better head on my shoulders than I did a year ago, or two years ago. Since I've thought alot recently about what I really, really want --and have decided on it (an associate editor position, a good boyfriend and an apartment and cat of my own WITH cable) I feel like I can finally move on, and go after it no holds barred.

Plus, I've spoken my mind lately. There have been weird consequences, but the more I concentrate on it the more I think it's just part of growing up. My friend last night said, "It sounds like you're doing the same thing. Chasing after boys with a better job." He was right, but he was also wrong. Boys (or men) are a relatively small point in my life since I haven't found one I like in a while and probably won't be ready for one until I meet someone cool, special and wonderful enough....for now, I'm happy to go out, have fun, and make lasting friendships like the ones I treasure back in the Mighty Midwest.

Be gone, toxic elements........

4 Queers Down, 1 to go

Today, outside of work, I saw Jai Rodriguez (sans pretty eye makeup.)

So, between my friends & I, we're only missing one Queer Guy. The roundup:

1. Fellow blogger & Mnpls friend Kiddo (see my link on the right) eye-flirted with Thom at a gay club in Dallas when he was there on business.

2. Aryanna, my classmate at Pace, spotted Kyan last year at the former D'Agostino (sp?) grocery store on Henry St. in Brooklyn Heights.

3. Jackie, my esteemed roomie, saw Carson Kressley somehow... I don't remember the circumstances.

So now, all we have left is Ted........

On to more important things, work is going to be interesting and crazy but opportunities abound right now which is good, the roomie situation is back on an even keel, and I made new friends (see previous comments). AND, to answer Avenue Elle's question..... I DID make it all the way from 181 to the Battery AND back up to 34th Street on Sunday skating... even gracing 34th Street with my presence on blades. I got props from a homeless guy and I've decided that I look cuter on blades than I do walking AND the men are cuter along the Hudson.

So, I will be repeating that (but not that I crashed into a fence in Riverside Park trying to negotiate some crazy hill-ridden boundaries. No injuries.....)

And, thanks for the comments, y'all. Keep them coming, they help my ever-suffering self esteem (or at least inflate my ego.)

A Week of Epic Proportions

This past week, both my professional and personal life has been an absolute rollercoaster.

As said in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, when your professional life goes well your personal life turns to shit. While Andy loses her best friend (Tracie Thoms, yay!) and boyfriend, I meanwhile had a raging fight with my roommate. The fight was really insignificant when taken as an individual event, but when you add the context of our relationship for the past six months, its really the crescendo, the point of no return.

So I won't be returning to our previous state of close friendship. I'm keeping my ears open to new apartments, but also changing my attitude towards her. I'm just going to distance myself slowly.... I can't be making any more 1am calls to Ryan, Lori and Jason in order to calm myself enough to go to sleep. And I'm pretty sure my friends are sick of my tirades.

I'm drawing on previous experiences like this where I turned to my other friends and exercise to pull me away from the toxic elements in my life and I'll be sure to do that again.

So on to the professional life. We basically had an exodus of both senior and asst-level people last week, which puts me in a really bad and a great position at the same time. The really bad part is that I'll have to train all these people and negotiate who of my pub friends to reccomend for the job. BUT the good part is that I'm the most senior assistant in the department, which means that I'll be the first one up for a promotion and the first to inherit books. It's a happy, happy day for me. I've been strategizing what I want to do in terms of asking for more work, so we shall see. Apparently 9 hours a day at work is not enough for me. But if its going to be over a hundred next week, I'll gladly SLEEP at Rock Center.

BUT there are bright sides to my personal life: Kelly and I are getting closer which I LOVE because she's fascinating to me and I adore her. Also, I met some fabulous bloggers through Dolly again and am totally psyched about finding two of those ladies because I think we could be friends outside of these little meetings.

My friend Courtney is coming on Thursday, so next weekend will be extremely busy. I'm TOTALLY psyched and can't wait to show her off at Harlem Book Fair next Saturday....alas, though, it is time to beat the heat on my quest to rollerblade from 181st street to battery park.

In Love, Again

I first fell in love with Nickel Creek a few years ago when I saw their show at the Basilica Festival in St. Paul..... it was the only concert where I've RUN back and forth to the porta-potty as to not miss any of the show.

So of course I became obsessed with their backlist and side projects. The band is Chris Thile (mandolin), Sara Watkins (fiddle) and Sean Watkins (guitar). Sean & Sara are brother and sister-all of them sing.

I fell in LOVE with Sean's solo album 26 Miles and have done the same with his latest, blinders on. I absolutely adore it.

Here are lyrics from my two favorite songs:
what if you thought you saw a ghost
a hundred times a day
what if the thing you wanted most
was impossible to say
(from Run Away Girl)

from hello...goodbye:

She came up and said hello
my name is kate and i liked your show
and there was nothing i could say
but thanks come again
she didn't know
that we got married in my head
there were christmases and dogs
and our kids' hair was red
and as years flew by i gazed into her eyes
and said goodbye

Since this is how I react to most men I really really like (especially in casual encounters that I'll never have again) Sean once again read my mind. I'm embarrassed to admit that's how I felt about him, too (at the Fine Line Show in Minneapolis, Aug 04.)

Too bad I can't use it on him the next time Nickel Creek comes to NYC.
Check out his website http://www.seanwatkins.com - you can download the whole CD or just my favorite song.

10 Best Mich Memories

I felt bad about the last post not representing my Michigan experience, so here's the top ten things that happened to me, in no particular order, June 30-July 5:

1. Listening to Jay Bo (Jason) explain on Steve's voicemail how he fell in his own pee while in a room of children
2. Completely unexpectedly losing my voice on my first morning there thanks to constant smoking and raising my voice over a heavy metal band selling SoCo Hurricanes in the Tiki Bar
3. Drunkenly laughing at Lori in the Burger King drive-thru because she was sober and Steve & I were SOOO not. I got home, ate chicken fingers and cottage cheese.
4. Not knowing what I was drinking out of when I was drunk one night at Steve's parents house.... and really not caring (I had three glasses.)
5. Saying to Lori in Lansing: "You know, Starbucks? Espresso drinks?" and TOTALLY getting checked on it in front of the cute optometrist (sp?) at Lens Crafters
6.Realizing in the middle of the night that I was cuddling with a dog (Lori & Steve's precious Skeeter)....and that it was more comfortable than a boy.... but I couldn't decide if it was smellier or not.
7. When Steve's sister (and bridesmaid) Amy's friend Nikki told me that I had hit on her ex-husband/father of her children the night before.
8. Turning down a guy to dance who immediately after clunked his head on the stage while attempting to do the Worm.
9. Going on a crazy, swinging up in the air and twirling carnival ride and not being physically able to scream (see #2) and being really, really scared.
10. Drinking bloody marys with Lori's future groom during wedding consults (My question: what kind of liquor packages do you offer?)

Additional Things I'm Very Proud of to an Extent That Most People Are Embarrassed to Admit:
eating REAL cottage cheese with delight

sitting with a baseball team on the flight to Detroit who were so Staten Island stereotypical it was ridiculous

getting on the aforementioned ride and saying to Lori, "This is Dominican music" and having the carnie give me silent props

On the West Coast. . . . of Michigan

So on Friday after another short date with my cutie Boy A (he needs a new name so I think I'll call him Curls) Thursday night, I went to visit my best friend Lori.

I haven't seen Lori in 3 years so I was a little worried we wouldn't get along. And there were some uncomfortable silences and she talks even more now in baby talk (something I absoutely detest) but I love her fiancee Steve and they make a wonderful pair. Now if we could only defeat Mary Ann, Lori's mom-in-law......

Seriously, though, I had a great time. I sold about $2,000 worth of tokens for $4 frozen Southern Comfort hurricanes (super yummy but cold as hell when the wind on Lake Michigan came up) in TWO HOURS on July 3, heard Brian McKnight, Trapt, Smash Mouth and a ton of regional cover bands.... and got to hang out with two of my favorite people in the world.

I also met the maid of honor, best man, one of the bridesmaids and got in a water balloon fight with the flower girl. I also managed to accidentally hit on someone's ex husband and got shot down by a plethora of blue collar guys (not really, but I didn't get lucky either.)

There's lots of great ancedotes, but I can't think of them right now, of course. What I've been thinking about lately is my friendship with Lori and the silences we had in the car rides back and forth across the state of Michigan and if its a good thing or a bad thing. I guess she is still my best friend even though Michelle or Jackie & I are closer---- but she's my best friend from Winona and that's all that matters. Just because my best friend from high school and I aren't as close anymore that doesn't mean they're not still some of my best friends, right? I'm going to look at it that way so I don't get depressed about it and don't give up on it too soon. We're living such different lives anyway...... (even though I found out Lori does part time work for Pearson, another publishing company!!!)

The other thing I'm ruminating about is if I should date guys at all. It's not necessarily going bad for me now, but its definitely not going great. So maybe I should just take care of myself right now and see what transpires in the meantime. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop talking to the boys I've met, I just won't go out searching for new ones.

We'll see how long that lasts. Bets, anyone?

Seriously though, I'm really debating if I even want a guy to touch me, or flirt with me, or what have you. Certainly no sex has been going on, and that's totally been MY choice. I just haven't been getting the same jones/high/pleasure out of it. Lately its just been annoying. I don't know if that's because its the wrong guys or the wrong time. Either way, I just don't feel right.

But, I've also got my date lined up for Lori & Steve's wedding next summer, if we're both still single and interested. I bargained for him to be Steve's personal assistant (I'm Lori's so Steve's gotta have one, and I bargained for him to be at the head table since we're the only single people that are in the wedding). His name is Jason and he's an average guy but he's really funny and I know he'll dance with me. He was super drunk when I met him (he fell into the sand into his own pee after drinking for 12 straight hours... we met him in hour 10) but I think he's a good guy and so does Steve.... so we shall see.

The only action I got in Michigan is one kiss and some hand holding from this kid Matt who I was leading on because he was mean to Lori three years ago (it's a very long story). I'm not kidding. He pissed me off anyway, so he wasn't getting any. It was satisfying to tell him no and see a surprised look. What did he expect when my drink was delayed because he was asking out the bartender?

More later when I'm not so swamped catching up on workouts, work, and life in general....