Friday, July 29, 2005

A survey to end all surveys.

This is stolen from Kiddo's blog, which in turn was probably stolen from somewhere else. Be sure to check out the real post (also from today) below.

What stickers do you have on your car?
When I had my Jeep, I had a powerpuff girls sticker, a thundercats sticker, a KQAL sticker (for the radio station I used to run), and a sticker that said "Beer - allowing white guys to think they can dance since 1868" and probably an equality sticker for the GLBT. Now, if you consider the subway my car, the only thing there is the NYC 2012 olympic stickers that they have not yet removed.


How/where did you meet your last bf/gf?
At Off The Wagon in the Village - a godawful, packed, meat market, 22 year old bar. I thought that Todd looked harmless.....

What do you hear right now?
Talking and typing. (I'm at work)

If you could have a drink of anything right this second, what would it be?
I was going to buy an Odwalla fruit juice good-for-you drink (or POM) but I didn't have money. Although now the Macciato that Reid likes sounds good too.

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
I did a long workout tomorrow so my shoulders, as usual.

What's your job position called?
Editorial Assistant

What size shoe do you wear?
8 or 8 1/2

What are you wearing right now?
A white see-through polo, with a tank underneath for work (sexy without, casual with), jeans that are too big for me a half hour after wearing them (because they're a size 14 and I'm a 10), and flip flops (its Flip Flop Friday officially only to me).

Do you own a camera phone?
Yes, although I don't use it much.

What's your significant other's birthday?
Well, Todd's was in April - I want to say the 16th? But I'm not sure who I should count as my "sig other" now... maybe

What's your Mom's favorite band/musician?
She's not a huge music fan, but I think if pressed she would say the Supremes

What's your Dad's favorite band/musician?
he doesn't have one. Anything he can bob his head to. My dad's a very simple guy.

What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?
I've been digging Appletinis for a bit - but I really like Bloody Marys made "The Bar" Style - in pint glasses with Major Peters mix (its thick which is yummy) 14 olives and two pickles - not to mention an entire container of celery salt... mmmmm... I remember I used to have one when I read Shakespeare because it made it easier to understand!

What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
Dolly Parton is at Radio City but I have no money.

What were you doing at 9 pm last night?
Getting done with my workout

What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
That yummy fat laden thing that's essentially a coffee milkshake. A Frap?

Do you exercise as much as you should?
I think six days would be considered "should", right? Although I rarely complete a whole week of what I'm supposed to be doing. This week I might make it!!

Did you attend your High School prom?
Yes.. in a very slutty dress that I ended up wearing on my boyfriend's couch watching a South Park marathon (our friends went to a party other than ours and we were left alone with too much beer and food... which we drank, ate, and then had sex..... ) I was going to wait for prom to lose my virginity - but uh, that didn't happen.

Its My Life... go ahead with your own life and leave me alone

Hiya!

All my friends yelling is truly in vain regarding the Todd situation. Since about Tuesday, I haven't thought of him really at all. In passing, of course, like I think of any of my exes, but I haven't dwelled.

So much so that I told him that when he called me last night. I still haven't figured out why exactly he felt the need to call me except that he had a couple of beers beforehand with the guy from work. But like I said before, I need something bigger and better than that.

So screw em.

I'm sure my resolve will be tempered by loneliness this weekend, since I don't have any plans and god knows that if I don't have plans, I don't have plans.

But I am getting the Internet next week, which is FANTASTIC - and means more posts for all of you!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

To Answer the Comments

To answer the comments (and I'm very pleased that there ARE comments) I know that 'the todd thing' is nuts. But I want to say that despite all appearances I was really really happy when I was with him.

Now, do I think its realistic that we'll get back together and live happily ever after? No. Am I ready to meet My Mr. Right (or at least mr. Right Now)? No. Because I'm still stuck on Todd.

What happenned Saturday night was that we both expressed our feelings. Whether or not his were true, at least I spoke my mind. I also gave him the opportunity to fight for me. If he doesn't, then I'll move on. If he does, well then that gives us more to argue about. And I'm not going to wait.

All my friends have yelled at me the last couple of days (except the guys, which makes "anonymous" seem kind of femme), but only I know what's right for me. And sleeping with Todd, despite how it looks from the outside, was right for me. It made me a calm, rational person although Sunday was spent ruminating on the affair. But thanks to my girlfriends Lori & Michelle, I know it's okay for me not to get over him for awhile. So why can't my recovery and Todd's decision making run concurrently? I don't see anything wrong with that.

What I do see wrong with it (and I think you all will agree with me) is if I sit around waiting for Todd to come back, or (god forbid) give it up for him every weekend, basically giving him "the milk for free" as the saying goes. I've made those mistakes before and seen them being made with exes and I'm not doing that.

Although I'm fully single and will probably show that at any given opportunity, I'm not ready to move on officially yet. And I don't think that I should be. What anonymous didn't take into consideration is that my relationship with Todd was the longest, MOST SERIOUS THING I've had since HIGH SCHOOL. And I love him. So that takes some getting over.

So, friends, do you agree with me? I think I'm doing pretty well in my mission to get over Todd and yet still hold him at arm's length. Anonymous has a point though - love isn't about whether or not you want to be with someone. And I think that's where I'm missing the point about Todd. But yet I love Todd, and want to be with him. But yet again, I'm not willing to be with a person (who's not in love with me) that I'm in love with, because that seems like a major exercise in futility.

But yet again, I'm weird. I like to keep in touch with my exes. I was friends with my major exes, with one exception, throughout college. I'm the pack rat of exes. So let's just add Todd to the bunch, shall we?

Advice is nice, but compassion is in fashion. (I know that's lame, but it's good, right?)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Four Men, Two Books, Three Authors & A Sleepover

Four Men: David Sedaris, Chuck Klosterman, Dave Eggers, and of course Todd:

I'm in love with three of them. Let me explain. Michelle & others have raved about David Sedaris. So I picked up ME PRETTY ONE DAY on Thursday night and proceeded to only put it down twice (once to sleep and once to work) before I finished it, raving on Friday about how David Sedaris is my newfound writing idol (taking the place of Jennifer Paddock and Nick Hornby).

THEN I went to a Klosterman signing and got a free copy of his book KILLING YOURSELF TO LIVE. I read it cover-to-cover Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. The only time I put THAT down was to:

Have sex with Todd. And get drunk before doing so. I know you're all gasping or at least saying "what the hell, I thought you hated that guy." And I do. But I hate him because I love him and I'm not sure if he's in love with me. Case in point: he says he is, but he says (and is) also too fucked up to be with me. Because of the past (and him telling me he didn't love me at least twice after he said he was sure he did) I'm not exactly trusting of anything that comes out of his mouth other than engineering and sciency related things - or the cultural observation of his eternally interesting and equally pathological roommate Eamon. So I spent twelve hours talking and laughing, dancing and sleeping next to him... and afterwards I had a very Surreal Sunday (and yes, the capital letter on Surreal is both intentional and necessary).

So in other words, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing other than that I did something relatively fucked up. But yet again, every single relationship has had the after sex. But I don't know what to do about it.

And what makes it worse is that he was talking as if we still had a future. My best friend told me to "close and lock the back door of your heart and make him knock and leave flowers" but I'm not really sure what that means. I'm not going to stop dating other people, but I don't want to not heal either. I'm pretty sure this was a step in the wrong direction to make him disappear out of my life, but I don't want to do that either.

When I studied interpersonal relationships in undergrad, Deborah Tannen had some great research about the tensions in a relationship. She said that essentially the tensions were like a tug of war between the partners. In order to hold on to the relationship, one would have to lean in and give the other control (which means the other one was pulling.)

Instead of that illustration I feel like i'm the one hanging onto the rope, swinging before the mud puddle that the losing team is going to be drug into. And I'm not really sure what that means either.

TWO BOOKS: Classic Escapism. I read Klosterman's thoughts in SEX DRUGS AND COCOA PUFFS (I can't seem to get enough of him) about how John Cusack (and his character in SAY ANYTHING, Lloyd Dobler) ruined any chance of his adult relationships ultimately being satisfying. Lloyd Dobler and Jake from SIXTEEN CANDLES don't exist - but we think they do, which fucks us up. Makes sense to me. I blame Hugh Grant in NOTTING HILL, who made it cool to wait around for your love to come back. Damn Hugh Grant - he also influenced me to sleep with James.

So from here the THREE AUTHORS should be apparent, even though I haven't begun Eggers yet: but since I'm on this memoir/essay kick, I might as well stay on it. It reminds me that others are at least as fucked as I am in the emotional stability and Surreal department.

And SLEEPOVER..... well Michelle slept over on Friday and watched about 7 hours of RESCUE ME (my favorite new show, resulting in an odd crush on Denis Leary and the other hot hot firemen) and.... of course Todd slept over, resulting in me wandering around my house and calling every friend in my phone when I wanted to talk (I just realized that Alison never called me back, that bitch.....) not to mention what I noticed this morning - a nice round white stain on my comforter. Damn him! Am I being eternally punished?

And I'm in love thinking of how I'm going to get out of it without driving myself to tears, or worse yet, making my friends think I'm pathetic for loving a guy that is so weak that he can't even bring himself to fight for me.

If he does love me - he'll fight for me. He'll be reflective for once and think about how much I'm worth to him and get his shit straightened out. Because I'm moving on without him and if I'm over him by the time he comes back, he's likely to be shit out of luck.

But if he catches me again like he caught me on Saturday - or the way we caught each other, really - then maybe someone will be home when he knocks.

These are pretty heavy thoughts for a Monday. I better not drink any more coffee.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

So what does that mean?

Today I feel a bit better about the whole Todd ordeal - not angry anymore just more ... understanding somehow. Don't get me wrong - I still think that he's messed up. But in a pat-your-head-poor-you way instead of an asshole/playa way.

Speaking of playas, I still haven't heard from David, but I doubt I will again. He's probably in jail or just ignoring me. I'm not really sure which, but I also don't care. I wasn't really that crazy about him, so it's okay. He'll pop up as soon as I stop thinking about him.

But I am thinking about someone else. Last night I went out for drinks with a guy I met at the Gin Mill about a week and a half ago named Rich (I know, that name is horrible.) Either way, it was really, really awkward until we realized we shared a common interest in John Hughes movies and everything 80s - him more movies, me more music - and then we extended our drinks to two mojitos each and then proceeded to go to the park. We kissed and hugged and all that, but I don't know what the vibe is from him.

Although I have his work info - he works up on Madison somewhere (haven't checked the cross streets) I still haven't gotten the cell numbers which I think is a little weird... but yet again, this guy's longest relationship (he says) was six weeks, so maybe he's a little bit on this side of shady.

But this girl has gone on long enough, so when I sent him the books I promised, I also invited him to come watch THE GRADUATE on my couch on Saturday night. I figured, what the hell? He's a good kisser and I could see him certainly as a fool-around buddy if not anything else.

Then I get this email back:

Thanks so much for hanging out after work yesterday evening. It was really nice to unwind with you & chat a little more. I was completely surprised by your gift today! Usually when I get something, it means some client is about to make my job suck… you really made my day. Thanks again!

I'm clueless as to what this means in guy speak, so of course I invited him to call me. I guess I'm not very good at being coy. But he said he liked my candor (and he used the word CANDOR..... very sexy.) so who the hell knows. So I may get a call.. or I may not.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

No Financial Times for You

I'm getting really sick of not having the Internet at home... and at work, I'm starting to get more responsibility which means that they may be watching what I do online... more carefully. So I'm attempting to be more careful, especially after the not-consensual personnel exodus that was last week here.

So I contacted Todd. I know, I know..... a very STUPID move to open up Pandora's Exboyfriend-you're-still-not-over file. But I am getting over him. With emails like this (from him), who couldn't?
  • I feel I'm one of those people that should have gotten married at 21 or 22 without really a choice.
  • My Mother always said if you don't love somebody, fake it and then eventually you just will.
  • My problem right now is that I haven't really thought about it because all I have been doing is working.

(glad you're heartbroken and worried how I'm doing too.)

I also don't mind you calling me an asshole because I deserve it.

And this, finally, brings a smile to my face.

I know I'm being a bitch, posting personal emails on a blog. But at this point, I really don't give a flying fuck what he thinks of me. Because I'm a mature person (okay, maybe not necessarily about this...) and frankly, my dear I don't give a damn.

And another priceless jewel from Toddy Todd:

At this point I just don't know, you like to ask the hard questions but I just don't have the answers.

I'll probably die a bitter old man that beats hookers.

Amen to that! By the way, I don't think he's ever known the answers. I guess I should have realized that six months ago and spared myself some nights listening to "All Cried Out".

Other than the Todd emailing, I went on a couple dates with David.. and then he stopped calling and texting. I was briefly a stalker (1 call on Friday to tease him about the Yanks losing to Boston 17-1, 2 on Saturday to see what he was up to, and an email on Monday to see if he was okay) but since I've gone sans answers, I'm giving up. So much for my hope to see the missing testicle (he had testicular cancer and lost one.....)

Either way, I'm okay. I might continue to deface Todd in an effort to feel better.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

A Forever & A Day Update

I don't feel like talking about Buffalo and the fourth of July anymore. That's why I've been avoiding my blog.

Actually, I'm trying not to get fired. Same difference though. If you want to find out why, look at the July 11th entry on gawker.com.

But I do have A LOT to update and say, including how an incredibly broke week for me coincided with a lot of social offerings (never a good mix for the interest rates and credit card payments)...

And it's been a pretty good guy week. Dave's still on the hot list and we may have a dark horse in the running with a guy named Rich who I think may be gay but could be quite possibly hetero... we shall see next week when he joins me for drinks!

And since I'm about to embark on a social engagement as we speak, I am going to sign off now. But alas, I am alive.

Friday, July 08, 2005

On The Road Again

I debated whether to finish off the story I started yesterday,or to ruminate about how its been nearly a month since I last saw Todd. But now is not the time for melodrama of my own, especially since yesterday I think all of us in major cities had yet another realization of our own and our friends' mortality.

I've never been afraid to die; I've been afraid to live. But last weekend, I really did live. Jackie & I crossed the border while she was still drunk (and amazed at the tourist signs for CUBA) and then I drove the 2 hours north to Toronto while she slept. We were like Joesph and Mary - no room at the inn, over and over again. If we had beat this lady in, we may have had a place to stay, but that was the way things went.

So we trekked..... all around Toronto, stopping at a McD's to eat and read the actual journalism of the Canadian paper; played with some Canadian geese, and as much as I wanted to talk about the Barenaked Ladies with Canadian guys, we headed back out of the city (after using Brandi's card to pay $30 for parking we didn't end up using) and went to Niagara Falls, to ride the Maid of the Mist for a quick shower....

And today I found the crumpled, been-through-the-washing-machine-in-these-jeans Maid in the Mist postcard they give you when you ride on it, and thought - wow. Jackie & I really did have a bonding moment on the boat. Despite the massive amounts of Indian (somehow beating out Asians... I'm not sure how) tourists, it still managed to be a very relaxing time. I told her about my fear of getting dunked in water, and only had a minor panic attack in the falls. Overall, it was cool and almost too much to take in.

And then grudgingly we had to head back to the B-lo to give Brandi back her wallet - we didn't steal it, she didn't want to carry a purse and drunk Jackie forgot all about it - and that story, is for another day.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling

Trying to blog about a vast amount of material is always trying. So to save myself and to save my readership (which I still think exists mostly in my head and a small corner of Bombay) the headache of reading a thesis in this purply brown color, I will chunk these stories up.

FIRST CHUNK: Jackie & Meg take on Buffalo and in an auxiliary sense, Toronto

Last Friday morning, Jackie and I decided to go it alone (Yfrasie decided not to come) to Buffalo/Toronto/Niagara Falls/all points in between. So when I got home from work, I cleaned up and ate and grabbed things she had forgotten like her toothbrush and cell phone charger, etc, and cleaned the house in a mad dash, since my mother had indoctorined me to believe that you cannot leave a dirty house on a trip (something I've always been grateful for when I came home.)

So at 2pm we were on the expressway headed out of the metro. We passed by Todd's and I made a hex and yelled that I hated Riverdale..... and that was the general feeling for the weekend. Disgust and amusement.

We made it up to Buffalo after 2 traffic jams, a plethora of stop-and-go traffic, and an accident involving a speedy Winnebago (and not involving us) at 11pm. We were exhausted, but needing a drink. We were staying at Jackie's friend Brandi's house, along with her roommate Justina. We drank HEAVY (and I mean, heavy) drinks made with Smirnoff Watermelon Vodka. Their apartment looked like something out of Pottery Barn, while they looked like they had been reading Cosmo since they were born (and Justina had been tanning for about 20 years, her skin was so... leathery.)

But I blew off judging them and instead tried to talk to them about what I thought they might be interested in: Dieting, clothes, hair.. and alcohol, and all seemed to go well. Until we got to the bar.

The bars in the B-lo were dead because of the holiday, AND both of our hostesses got us to pay for shots and then promptly left us to hit on guys.

When Justina decided not to come along to the next bar with the three of us and the two guys Brandi had tagging, I thought it was cool. SHE wasn't our hostess; she was just the roommate. In bad taste, yes. Rude, no. Had I done it before? probably.

But then at the next bar (which sucked even more than the last), Brandi left us. She took off with her guy (a very white guy named Jose) and left the other guy standing and told us to bring him home with us when we went. We didn't mind too much (or Jackie didn't, I figured I was stuck there) until we came to our senses and realized what had happened - and that we couldn't get rid of this guy. Neither of us know his name, even now.

But what we do remember is this: He said (and I quote): "Judaism is not a faith, it's not a religion. Jews don't exist" - and "gays don't exist, they're just confused like the Jews."

EXCUSE ME?
I've met some pretty uneducated people in my day, but this guy takes the cake.
I convince Jackie that we should abandon this guy, strand him essentially, and go get wasted at another bar (I had had like 8 shots at this point and because the night sucked so bad, was completely sober - but Jackie, being the girl that she is, decided not to spend money and jumped in a cab. We had a great cabbie - a really funny guy who said that all of these people (and everyone in B-lo) sucked and we were getting the shaft.
Which, of course, empowered the bitch living in Jackie, just under the surface, 24/7. She said that we should drive to Toronto for breakfast and I agreed. I didn't want to stay in the creepy B-lo (it really IS creepy. There's a reason people hate that place.) So we stormed into Brandi's apartment and she and the boy were nowhere to be seen, much less her roommate. So I pounded on her door and made her open up (our stuff was inside, so we couldn't be stealth and just leave) and Jackie sufficiently bitched her out and told the guy with her to call his boy (who had gotten J's number from our awesome waitress and had called her 8 times already... so much for her Jewish ass not existing) and Brandi was like, please don't leave, we're going to Toronto in the morning, blah blah blah.
Need I mention this was at 4:30 or so am?
So we drove off. Jackie was drunk and I was sober (although I knew that if I was pulled over, I'd blow drunk) and we headed out of Buffalo towards Toronto with both of our cell phones on silent since that guy kept calling us (a record - something like 19 times) at 4:30 in the morning, dressed up like hookers and heading toward a foreign country.
More to be continued...