I have a confession to make. I truly hate indie rock, particularly "new, cool" bands.... I detest the White Stripes because of how they came about. I usually join the bandwagon late, once the fad has passed and I actually listen to the music. This is true for Tegan & Sara (although their new album IS fantastic), the Killers, and most recently Death Cab For Cutie (although I always liked them because they have such a fantastic name).
For Christmas, my brother burned me a collection of his favorite CDs - my idea, but Shea went beyond expectation and burned me 5 CDs.... and I like every one of them so far... but the song "What Sarah Said" stopped me in my tracks on the A train on Thursday morning.
I was just listening and appreciating, until when at the end the music fades and the lyric is "Love is watching someone die." And for me, that immediately brought up memories of watching my grandmother fade into her Alzheimers, but the more I listen to it the more I get out of it.
I only saw one friend while I was at home (Heather) my other three (Ryan, Pete, and Jenn) were all too busy or we just weren't there at the same time. And while my first trip to Winona since I moved to NYC was certainly gratifying, I felt weird there like I was looking into my past (ironically a similar but different feeling that I had when I was hanging out and getting to know Pete).
I feel that I'm watching parts of myself die: the girl that belonged in the group with Poof and Kevin who don't speak to me anymore, much less see; the crazy wild girl in college who couldn't control what she said or did (although there are definitely still the good elements of that Meg left including my dedication to doing anything (or anyone) once, and a keen sense of how to track down anyone armed only with time and Google).
Tonight, Todd was supposed to come over after work (like 6, 7pm) and we were going to lock ourselves in the apartment to brave New Years together and have a summit of sorts on if we want to be with each other or not. He got held up at work and is now just at 96th street; he probably won't even show up until midnight, and if I know Todd he'll immediately pass out. I was initially really pissed (especially when I didn't know what he was doing and had thoughts that he was going to blow me off) but now I am just starting to think that the girl that was so gaga over him may be dying as well.
I know I've said it a million times before, that I was on the track to getting over him. But two things I've realized in the last week (especially with everyone telling me how foolish I'm being by having the summit at all) is that I need to say goodbye TO HIM in order to get over him (it's definitely an ego thing) and in a moment during our Chrismakkah celebration with Jackie, that I didn't remember why I loved him so much. While I know I still love him, I feel that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore.
I have to save myself. I'm not the girl that waits and nor should I. I love Todd; but I'm not watching myself die because of it. Hopefully this burst of self appreciation and motivation lasts longer than the last one.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I Have A Great Weekend Planned..... but TRANSIT STRIKE THREATENS
So Reid's coming Friday........................ but there's an impending transit strike.
Ain't nothing like the subways and the buses not running that brings out holiday cheer.
Ain't nothing like the subways and the buses not running that brings out holiday cheer.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Without You............
I'm reading THE MERCY OF THIN AIR for my book club, which is an excellent book. It's all about this woman who died in the 1920s (1927 to be exact I think) and she's been halfheartedly searching for a lost love because she is scared of what it brings.
And every time I read it (particularly with a drink or two in me) I think about the song from RENT, "Without You"...... and of course I think about Todd, but I also think about that person I haven't found yet that will be everything Todd is to me and more.
I think about my grandparents. How my grandpa was devastated by my grandma being diagnosed with Alzheimers and how he died before her, but without her being able to recognize him. And even though she was essentially gone and had forgotten how to walk, how to eat, one day she sat up and said, "I'm coming home, Jack." And how my mother would be lost without my dad, and even worse vice versa...... and I think about how powerful it would be to have the same emotions at the same time.
When Todd was over on Sunday, I called him out, I said, "You have the time, you just don't want to make it." And even though I could see the hurt in his eyes, the regret, I wasn't holding anything against him. He can't help how he feels about me, and maybe one day he'll realize that he could have made the time, and I'll be gone. Or maybe I'll be there, I don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore, at least not the way I used to be.
But then I think about how I felt at brunch, where I was so close to where I wanted to be with him, but yet so far away. I think I'm finally doing something right. I'm holding him close while exploring other options. Maybe Patrick will be someone, probably not. But I want to find that person...... the mom to my dad, the grandpa to my grandma. I still believe there's many people that can fill that spot for any individual and maybe for me, Todd is one of them. But he doesn' t want me to fill that spot for him, and I respect that.
After all, I haven't become so desperate that I echo the sentiment from rent:
"Without you, life goes on, but I'm gone.... without you"
Because I'm certainly here.
And every time I read it (particularly with a drink or two in me) I think about the song from RENT, "Without You"...... and of course I think about Todd, but I also think about that person I haven't found yet that will be everything Todd is to me and more.
I think about my grandparents. How my grandpa was devastated by my grandma being diagnosed with Alzheimers and how he died before her, but without her being able to recognize him. And even though she was essentially gone and had forgotten how to walk, how to eat, one day she sat up and said, "I'm coming home, Jack." And how my mother would be lost without my dad, and even worse vice versa...... and I think about how powerful it would be to have the same emotions at the same time.
When Todd was over on Sunday, I called him out, I said, "You have the time, you just don't want to make it." And even though I could see the hurt in his eyes, the regret, I wasn't holding anything against him. He can't help how he feels about me, and maybe one day he'll realize that he could have made the time, and I'll be gone. Or maybe I'll be there, I don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore, at least not the way I used to be.
But then I think about how I felt at brunch, where I was so close to where I wanted to be with him, but yet so far away. I think I'm finally doing something right. I'm holding him close while exploring other options. Maybe Patrick will be someone, probably not. But I want to find that person...... the mom to my dad, the grandpa to my grandma. I still believe there's many people that can fill that spot for any individual and maybe for me, Todd is one of them. But he doesn' t want me to fill that spot for him, and I respect that.
After all, I haven't become so desperate that I echo the sentiment from rent:
"Without you, life goes on, but I'm gone.... without you"
Because I'm certainly here.
A Busy, Busy Meg
This week, I've been lucky to get out of work by seven pm. Spending ten hours at work, while not my idea of fun per se, has been a little taxing. My new schedule consists of coming home to eat, working out and then working again (reading submissions). But it's review time, and I have to put the work in if I expect to get compensated! So that explains the lack of blogging.
Also.... my weekend contributed to it. It all started with my mom, who sent me an email about my ninth grade crush being in an Irish rock band that *happened* to be playing a gig in NYC. In Midtown, about 3 blocks away from school. So of course, I drug Michelle for her bday and the rest of the crew (Kay, Mary Alice, and Autumne eventually showed up) and *pretended* to just "run into him". I wish now that I had talked to him in high school. We have the same interests - I have his "dream job" and we hung out not only at his gig (his band, the Kissers, is critically acclaimed - two reviews by the Wash Post) but also on Saturday where he got to meet and witness Jackie and her friends celebrating a bday on the LES. I got a couple numbers out of the deal as well (I was smokin hot - or at least referred to as "very cute" by Pete's band and "the hot girl" by Patrick's band, another band that was playing whose songs were sung and written by a guy I now have a date with on Saturday - and who actually called yesterday to ASK ME OUT. Shocking. Mind you, he did wait until Tuesday to call but that's cool.
Also on Sunday Todd and I had a marathon three hour session in my bedroom and I bought a ton of Christmas presents online as well. I'd say I did pretty well for myself..... tomorrow is the great holiday party at work which should be fun and then it's the weekend again........................... Where is all my time going?
Oh, and for the blog fans: Kiddo is coming out on the 16th. I'm psyched and busy doing research with my friends on which gay bar to take him to. I think it's time for me to witness the debauchery at Lucky Cheng's for the first time! But now it's time to go to work (bleh!).......
Also.... my weekend contributed to it. It all started with my mom, who sent me an email about my ninth grade crush being in an Irish rock band that *happened* to be playing a gig in NYC. In Midtown, about 3 blocks away from school. So of course, I drug Michelle for her bday and the rest of the crew (Kay, Mary Alice, and Autumne eventually showed up) and *pretended* to just "run into him". I wish now that I had talked to him in high school. We have the same interests - I have his "dream job" and we hung out not only at his gig (his band, the Kissers, is critically acclaimed - two reviews by the Wash Post) but also on Saturday where he got to meet and witness Jackie and her friends celebrating a bday on the LES. I got a couple numbers out of the deal as well (I was smokin hot - or at least referred to as "very cute" by Pete's band and "the hot girl" by Patrick's band, another band that was playing whose songs were sung and written by a guy I now have a date with on Saturday - and who actually called yesterday to ASK ME OUT. Shocking. Mind you, he did wait until Tuesday to call but that's cool.
Also on Sunday Todd and I had a marathon three hour session in my bedroom and I bought a ton of Christmas presents online as well. I'd say I did pretty well for myself..... tomorrow is the great holiday party at work which should be fun and then it's the weekend again........................... Where is all my time going?
Oh, and for the blog fans: Kiddo is coming out on the 16th. I'm psyched and busy doing research with my friends on which gay bar to take him to. I think it's time for me to witness the debauchery at Lucky Cheng's for the first time! But now it's time to go to work (bleh!).......
Sunday, November 27, 2005
You Can't Go Home Again
One of my best friends (Ryan) spent the better part of last week (Tue-Sat) here and I learned again that you can't go home again.
Or that home can't come to visit you. Ryan was clearly uncomfortable in NYC, except the few times I got him to be happy (eating Thai/French fusion food at elephant, a brilliantly delicious les delight, walking around at central park, and searching for jenga at the Toys R Us in Times Square). Mind you, he was the most vocally unsupportive of my friends from home and I shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't like NYC but still...
He's supported me being here, and even admitted that it's the place for me to be. But he doesn't belong here, and that makes me wonder if he belongs in my life - as a large part as he once was, is he still relevant? Is anyone relevant?
As we move on, we lose friends. Especially those that don't grow and change with you. Case in point: Ryan and my friend Jenn are my only high school friends left. Why? Because my other friends are blue collar workers living in their parents' homes and don't quite identify with a city dweller going for her masters and working on books. I've lost friends from college and friends from high school, and even my best friend and I are growing apart.
And that just makes me wonder who will take their place, as I change (for the better everyone has said) and develop into a different person than I used to be. Maybe that's why I'm struggling - I've been trying to hold on to the past (or grab it again) while still moving forward.
Certainly, Todd is my best friend in the city - but maintaining a relationship with him is probably not the healthiest thing for me (although I'm determined to try). I'm just wondering when it will feel comfortable and stable again. I have good friends here - some of which came over to play drunk jenga on friday - but no one's really stepped up the way that Ryan had in the beginning, or what Lori developed into as my best friend, or the way Todd genuinely listened when I talked.
But now that I type this, I know that's a lie. Jackie & Michelle listen; Jenni holds her transplant status as near to her heart as I do, and Chris is still attentive and would probably drop everything to be there if I needed him. So I shouldn't whine.
Riding the subway alone to the park today, I was happy. I belong on the A train, running in the park, working at Rockefeller Center, and going to see RENT tonight before doing a homework assignment at Barnes & Noble at the last minute. Ryan hasn't called me since he got back to Wisconsin even though I asked him to; and all I have to say is oh well. Even though I have been his friend for nearly 10 years and have held onto him through major depressions and life changes, I can't control him any more than I can control the weather.
If he doesn't like NYC, screw him. And if he doesn't like me anymore because of NYC, fuck him (and I didn't do that, so maybe that's WHY he's not calling).
After 24 years, I've found somewhere I belong, even if I'm alone most of the time. If someone "loves" me and can't get that, I don't know who they think they're in love with.
Or that home can't come to visit you. Ryan was clearly uncomfortable in NYC, except the few times I got him to be happy (eating Thai/French fusion food at elephant, a brilliantly delicious les delight, walking around at central park, and searching for jenga at the Toys R Us in Times Square). Mind you, he was the most vocally unsupportive of my friends from home and I shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't like NYC but still...
He's supported me being here, and even admitted that it's the place for me to be. But he doesn't belong here, and that makes me wonder if he belongs in my life - as a large part as he once was, is he still relevant? Is anyone relevant?
As we move on, we lose friends. Especially those that don't grow and change with you. Case in point: Ryan and my friend Jenn are my only high school friends left. Why? Because my other friends are blue collar workers living in their parents' homes and don't quite identify with a city dweller going for her masters and working on books. I've lost friends from college and friends from high school, and even my best friend and I are growing apart.
And that just makes me wonder who will take their place, as I change (for the better everyone has said) and develop into a different person than I used to be. Maybe that's why I'm struggling - I've been trying to hold on to the past (or grab it again) while still moving forward.
Certainly, Todd is my best friend in the city - but maintaining a relationship with him is probably not the healthiest thing for me (although I'm determined to try). I'm just wondering when it will feel comfortable and stable again. I have good friends here - some of which came over to play drunk jenga on friday - but no one's really stepped up the way that Ryan had in the beginning, or what Lori developed into as my best friend, or the way Todd genuinely listened when I talked.
But now that I type this, I know that's a lie. Jackie & Michelle listen; Jenni holds her transplant status as near to her heart as I do, and Chris is still attentive and would probably drop everything to be there if I needed him. So I shouldn't whine.
Riding the subway alone to the park today, I was happy. I belong on the A train, running in the park, working at Rockefeller Center, and going to see RENT tonight before doing a homework assignment at Barnes & Noble at the last minute. Ryan hasn't called me since he got back to Wisconsin even though I asked him to; and all I have to say is oh well. Even though I have been his friend for nearly 10 years and have held onto him through major depressions and life changes, I can't control him any more than I can control the weather.
If he doesn't like NYC, screw him. And if he doesn't like me anymore because of NYC, fuck him (and I didn't do that, so maybe that's WHY he's not calling).
After 24 years, I've found somewhere I belong, even if I'm alone most of the time. If someone "loves" me and can't get that, I don't know who they think they're in love with.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Case Law & Blogs
I had to research memoirs for my law class and of course, the Washingtonienne came up... and I got to read that blog. If you think mine is personal, you should Google HER. Anyway, the most important thing about the case was that you can blog about your life as long as you're not malicious and don't truly identify people.
I think I do a pretty good job of that - most of my friends, with exception of a couple, have pretty generic names.
Todd & I are friends now, which is weird but good; I get a email from him every other day or pretty close to daily; Chris asked me to get back together with him, and I said no... or at least "let's see" which I think will be a longer version of no... but one never knows. I know if I say here that I won't go out with him again, I'll end up being with him again, so I'm just going to say one can never say never.
I don't think there's ever been a time when I didn't have boys, at least on the sidelines. Ryan's coming into NYC today, so if I don't blog for days you'll know why. Having him visit will be interesting - its my past colliding with my present. Jackie's really excited about coming to have him visit, I hope he doesn't disappoint (anyone)...
Seriously, though, I think the best thing for me to do right now is be alone. Like Ally Sheedy says in my very favorite movie of all time, St Elmo's Fire, I think its time to live life without any miracles for a while.
I think I do a pretty good job of that - most of my friends, with exception of a couple, have pretty generic names.
Todd & I are friends now, which is weird but good; I get a email from him every other day or pretty close to daily; Chris asked me to get back together with him, and I said no... or at least "let's see" which I think will be a longer version of no... but one never knows. I know if I say here that I won't go out with him again, I'll end up being with him again, so I'm just going to say one can never say never.
I don't think there's ever been a time when I didn't have boys, at least on the sidelines. Ryan's coming into NYC today, so if I don't blog for days you'll know why. Having him visit will be interesting - its my past colliding with my present. Jackie's really excited about coming to have him visit, I hope he doesn't disappoint (anyone)...
Seriously, though, I think the best thing for me to do right now is be alone. Like Ally Sheedy says in my very favorite movie of all time, St Elmo's Fire, I think its time to live life without any miracles for a while.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Meg's Top 10 Solutions for an Identity Crisis
1. Buy a couple country CDs that echo exactly what you're feeling (Rascal Flatts: Feels Like Today and Sugarland)
2. Get drunk on PBR with your best friend who broke your heart and be able to laugh together again
3. Pick up a homemade Chrismukah bush from your dad via the UPS Store
4. Get an orgasm before 11am from someone you love
5. See a deer carcass strapped to a minivan cross the GWB
6. Put on your altered winter coat from last year and realize that you've accomplished something you never thought possible, or that you were capable of
7. Close your eyes and picture yourself at your college graduation party in a hick bar with your best friends and family in one room, open your eyes and see the Empire State Building, the Hudson River, and your neighborhood in one glance
8. Discuss at length how Rascal Flatts uses branding to be successful
9. Count the many, many blessings you have and how many people care about you
10. Have faith that you will always be the girl you have always been regardless of what size pants you wear, how long your hair is, where you work or how often you fail
2. Get drunk on PBR with your best friend who broke your heart and be able to laugh together again
3. Pick up a homemade Chrismukah bush from your dad via the UPS Store
4. Get an orgasm before 11am from someone you love
5. See a deer carcass strapped to a minivan cross the GWB
6. Put on your altered winter coat from last year and realize that you've accomplished something you never thought possible, or that you were capable of
7. Close your eyes and picture yourself at your college graduation party in a hick bar with your best friends and family in one room, open your eyes and see the Empire State Building, the Hudson River, and your neighborhood in one glance
8. Discuss at length how Rascal Flatts uses branding to be successful
9. Count the many, many blessings you have and how many people care about you
10. Have faith that you will always be the girl you have always been regardless of what size pants you wear, how long your hair is, where you work or how often you fail
Thursday, November 17, 2005
My Turkey's in Jersey
I was on the phone last night with Ryan (who's visiting on Tuesday, his first time to any city bigger than Minneapolis), who is my BEST guy friend and has been in love with me since he was 14 and I was 16 (he's 22 and I'm 24 now). Who knows if he still is in love with me, but the devotion is there despite that we've gotten to the point where we can talk about dating other people amongst other things, like fucking around and how his friends with benefits is getting out of line.
I was recapping the weekend and said to him, "I've never been like this about anyone else the way I am about Todd, have I?" And he said..... yes, definitely. And then we discussed if Todd just wants to be friends how I'm going to handle that, and I essentially said if he could do it, I could do it.
But my question is.. can I? I was obsessing over why T hadn't emailed me back, and it was because he didn't get my email. Duh. But my question is... if we will be "just friends" for the rest of our lives (which to me is better than nothing), will I be in love with him for the rest of my life?
I know I should just change the blog's title to "Meg Talks About Todd" but I a) can't help my obsessions, b) can't blog about work without getting fired and c) nothing else is happening other than my law paper being due and my turkey being in Jersey.
I was recapping the weekend and said to him, "I've never been like this about anyone else the way I am about Todd, have I?" And he said..... yes, definitely. And then we discussed if Todd just wants to be friends how I'm going to handle that, and I essentially said if he could do it, I could do it.
But my question is.. can I? I was obsessing over why T hadn't emailed me back, and it was because he didn't get my email. Duh. But my question is... if we will be "just friends" for the rest of our lives (which to me is better than nothing), will I be in love with him for the rest of my life?
I know I should just change the blog's title to "Meg Talks About Todd" but I a) can't help my obsessions, b) can't blog about work without getting fired and c) nothing else is happening other than my law paper being due and my turkey being in Jersey.
Monday, November 14, 2005
That's Some Funny Shit
After my nervous breakdown weekend, I woke up today at 7am (since I forgot something at work and needed to get in early to fix it) cheerful and upbeat and happy about being single and alone and ready to forge a new life yet again.
Ryan said some really great and supportive things that I needed to hear and thus I had courage to hop out of bed, but on my cute green blazer that another girl has at work, and deal with the train at 8:20 am.
I told a couple people I broke up with Chris. Kelly asked if I was okay and if I wanted to get coffee; Michelle seemed surprised I did it so fast, thus missing both the hot tubs in Connecticut and the planned vacation to Grand Cayman); but Jamie had the best response.
Mind you, by this time I had told the story four times, so when she asked me why, I said that I just didn't like him as much as he liked me and that's just not fair, bleh bleh bleh.... but then I also said, "We were watching a movie. And he wouldn't shut the hell up. So I stopped the movie and broke up with him." (Which is technically the case, but it was a lot more than that.) She asked me what movie we were watching, and I told her. DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN made her nearly fall over... and since she's normally really shy, I started laughing too.
And to put my day in perspective, a huge box of padded envelopes missed my head by about six inches when I knocked it down today. On the up side, I only fucked up twice OTHER than that at work. Way to go me!!!
Meg's hint for the day: Don't watch a movie about some guy breaking your heart as a romantic selection.
Chris asked me not to blog about him, so I won't beyond today. But if you want to know the ending of the movie, dear, just IM me.
So that's my funny shit for the day: other than that I printed out the first paragraph of the serenity prayer today, cut it out and put it on a bright pink post it and put it under where I show off my book covers by my computer. I'm sure everyone at work assumes I'm an alcoholic anyway, since alcohol-related gifts are all they buy me, but this definitely cements it.
In reality, I'm just trying to keep myself from a) a nervous breakdown or b) making my brain a complete mush.
Favorite line of the new RENT sdtk today: You'll see boys... you'll see boys...
Ryan said some really great and supportive things that I needed to hear and thus I had courage to hop out of bed, but on my cute green blazer that another girl has at work, and deal with the train at 8:20 am.
I told a couple people I broke up with Chris. Kelly asked if I was okay and if I wanted to get coffee; Michelle seemed surprised I did it so fast, thus missing both the hot tubs in Connecticut and the planned vacation to Grand Cayman); but Jamie had the best response.
Mind you, by this time I had told the story four times, so when she asked me why, I said that I just didn't like him as much as he liked me and that's just not fair, bleh bleh bleh.... but then I also said, "We were watching a movie. And he wouldn't shut the hell up. So I stopped the movie and broke up with him." (Which is technically the case, but it was a lot more than that.) She asked me what movie we were watching, and I told her. DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN made her nearly fall over... and since she's normally really shy, I started laughing too.
And to put my day in perspective, a huge box of padded envelopes missed my head by about six inches when I knocked it down today. On the up side, I only fucked up twice OTHER than that at work. Way to go me!!!
Meg's hint for the day: Don't watch a movie about some guy breaking your heart as a romantic selection.
Chris asked me not to blog about him, so I won't beyond today. But if you want to know the ending of the movie, dear, just IM me.
So that's my funny shit for the day: other than that I printed out the first paragraph of the serenity prayer today, cut it out and put it on a bright pink post it and put it under where I show off my book covers by my computer. I'm sure everyone at work assumes I'm an alcoholic anyway, since alcohol-related gifts are all they buy me, but this definitely cements it.
In reality, I'm just trying to keep myself from a) a nervous breakdown or b) making my brain a complete mush.
Favorite line of the new RENT sdtk today: You'll see boys... you'll see boys...
Sunday, November 13, 2005
2 Down, 3 More to go
I'm having nervous breakdowns. I bawled twice in the last 12 hours. Jackie says I probably have three more in me.... which I think she's right. Before I go into massive detail (since we all know I don't blog about anything until I'm fucking reflective about it), I stole this from Kiddo's blog:
Rules:
Ten Things I Hate About You
List ten things you want to say to people/someone, but know you never will.
Don't say who they are.
Disable comments.
Never discuss it again.
If you want to say something about my thoughts feel free. Just know I won't be revealing who I am thinking about, so don't ask.
1) I am not your fucking lackey.
2) Why do you talk about your personal life - at length - with me and then not invite me to your Goddess party even though you've invited other coworkers? Am I not good enough?
3) Call me.
4) You're so desperate. Take a bloody fucking hint and stop calling me.
5) A best friend doesn't just say "uh huh" when I'm telling you how fucking messed up I am.
6) Seriously, cut your hair. It looks ridiculous and makes you look like white trash. Even though I'm ashamed of it, I feel like you're going to embarrass me walking around New York.
7) I'm not sorry that I have a job and you don't. I work hard for what I get, and you're clearly happy being unemployed.
8) It hurts me so much that you complain about picking me up from the airport. It shouldn't be a major inconvienience to pick up your only daughter twice a year.
9) Get the fuck out of my apartment. I pay half the rent here too and I don't want you here.10) I pay for Netflix. Let me watch a movie in peace.
(i'm breaking a rule here, but #9 & #10 is not about Jackie.)
And 3 things I DID say that I either wanted to say for a long time or that just seems appropriate here:
1) I never do anything right for you! I am never good enough! You complain about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I do!
2) You can't love me. You don't know me.
3) I might hate myself now, but I won't in a week and I don't care what anyone thinks of that.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Post #130
I don't care how far behind I am, or when I'll figure out when I'm going to do it, but I'm not doing homework on a Friday night.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Crescendo Time
You know the part in the end of the TV show (drama comedy like GREYS ANATOMY, SPORTS NIGHT, FRIENDS) where the character has a dramatic event and is thinking about everything or has just told someone off and there's a giant crescendo of emotional music?
Well, its crescendo time. The New York City Marathon was today and I went with Chris to his place on 1st Ave at mile 17 and watched for my exboyfriend Todd to run past. And the fleeting image of him wasn't enough for me, so I went with Chris into Central Park at mile 25 to enjoy the runners up close (and because i didn't get Todd's attention earlier in the race). There I got the Pag's attention and because he looked so happy to see me, I couldn't get him out of my mind.
Chris & I said bye (I was in one of those moods due to the whole Todd reminicing that was going on) and I walked through all the crowds to Central Park West. I drifted to the "reunion" area and didn't see him but ran into him while I was waiting for the crowds to thin out by the C line on 72nd Street. I hugged him and told him congrats.
It ended up that I was the only one that showed up to see him run. His friends are mostly scattered, Eamon is selfish enough not to come down and support and he told his parents to stay at home (even though they left him a really nice and long voicemail congratulating him). I couldn't let him walk alone because he seemed wrecked so we got him salt for his muscles and gatorade and walked to the 72nd Street 1 line.
While we were on the train and on our walk, we discussed the usual topics: what's new in our lives, Chris, Eamon, etc, etc. Of course I brought up that I missed him (totally true; the man was my best friend for six months) and then he made a comment about how he mishandled our breakup and that he's realizing the excuses he gave may not be valid anymore. In a moment of clarity on the 1 train, I realized what I had to say. And this is in part thanks to what Chris, Mike, Michelle, Jackie and others have said to me re: todd.
As we neared the 168th St stop, where I knew I had to get off even though I was counting the precious minutes with him. I said something along the lines of
"Yes, I'm with Chris. I like him a lot and I don't know what's going to happen. But whoever I'm with doesn't stop the fact that I was very deeply in love with you and probably still am. You broke my heart, and you did it with the worst timing possible. But I forgive you, and I love you."
I walked off the train, not looking back, and walked past the closing doors of the 1 train, up the stairs, and back onto the A platform. And I knew that it was true - I had forgiven him. (Cue crescendo music)
Will he come back? Who knows. I'd like to go by the conversation Jackie & I had:
Me: I found him three times in 37,000 people. I obviously love him.
Jackie: You know I'm not an optimist. Optimism does NOT look good on me.
I don't know if fate exists. But I'd like to believe in it.
Here's to believing that whatever happens, I have faith in it all being a part of something bigger than me.
And that both Chris and Todd were in my life today for a reason, which I don't know but I'm thankful for.
Well, its crescendo time. The New York City Marathon was today and I went with Chris to his place on 1st Ave at mile 17 and watched for my exboyfriend Todd to run past. And the fleeting image of him wasn't enough for me, so I went with Chris into Central Park at mile 25 to enjoy the runners up close (and because i didn't get Todd's attention earlier in the race). There I got the Pag's attention and because he looked so happy to see me, I couldn't get him out of my mind.
Chris & I said bye (I was in one of those moods due to the whole Todd reminicing that was going on) and I walked through all the crowds to Central Park West. I drifted to the "reunion" area and didn't see him but ran into him while I was waiting for the crowds to thin out by the C line on 72nd Street. I hugged him and told him congrats.
It ended up that I was the only one that showed up to see him run. His friends are mostly scattered, Eamon is selfish enough not to come down and support and he told his parents to stay at home (even though they left him a really nice and long voicemail congratulating him). I couldn't let him walk alone because he seemed wrecked so we got him salt for his muscles and gatorade and walked to the 72nd Street 1 line.
While we were on the train and on our walk, we discussed the usual topics: what's new in our lives, Chris, Eamon, etc, etc. Of course I brought up that I missed him (totally true; the man was my best friend for six months) and then he made a comment about how he mishandled our breakup and that he's realizing the excuses he gave may not be valid anymore. In a moment of clarity on the 1 train, I realized what I had to say. And this is in part thanks to what Chris, Mike, Michelle, Jackie and others have said to me re: todd.
As we neared the 168th St stop, where I knew I had to get off even though I was counting the precious minutes with him. I said something along the lines of
"Yes, I'm with Chris. I like him a lot and I don't know what's going to happen. But whoever I'm with doesn't stop the fact that I was very deeply in love with you and probably still am. You broke my heart, and you did it with the worst timing possible. But I forgive you, and I love you."
I walked off the train, not looking back, and walked past the closing doors of the 1 train, up the stairs, and back onto the A platform. And I knew that it was true - I had forgiven him. (Cue crescendo music)
Will he come back? Who knows. I'd like to go by the conversation Jackie & I had:
Me: I found him three times in 37,000 people. I obviously love him.
Jackie: You know I'm not an optimist. Optimism does NOT look good on me.
I don't know if fate exists. But I'd like to believe in it.
Here's to believing that whatever happens, I have faith in it all being a part of something bigger than me.
And that both Chris and Todd were in my life today for a reason, which I don't know but I'm thankful for.
All you need is love" is a lie 'cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's
Nothing to blame
At the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left
So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home
Oh, rightI can’t find a flight
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
John Mayer is the soundtrack to anyone's thoughful and pensive moods. Too bad we're all sleeping under this brilliant NYC sky. And lucky enough to live in a city where a twenty six mile marathon can be a major spectator sport.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Such a New York Day
It's such a New York Day for me. I ignored the entire train this morning (although duly noting that I pissed off a lady who wanted to take up two spots avoiding everyone and sitting comfortably and another lady who clearly thought she should be sitting) and came to work.....
I've become quite popular at work. I'm friends with the publicists, and I try to make my way down to sales to see KJ every once in a while. It's nice thinking that I'm cool every once in a while and then I realize I'm a complete doofus again.
BUT I did have a stellar moment today. I followed the president of adult publishing and an asst from subrights in to the elevator. The asst asked me how i was and I totally capitalized on something Chris said to me about yesterday feeling like Thursday. I made the adult pres laugh FOUR TIMES going down 14 floors.. which I think is quite impressive. And since I am wearing my very grape frost purple pants today in honor of going to a show later with Chris and his tattooed harem of friends, I think she'll remember me.
And I was just going out for a smoke, and when I walked into the air it was crisp but warm (60 degrees) and I was reminded of how when I first came to NYC in October 2000 that I was amazed the city could be this beautiful late into the year. And then I remembered that the weather is always this beautiful in early November, when the moldy October has worn off and fall is in full session before winter. This is when the magic happens.
I was all full of myself rounding the corner of Rock Center Plaza and 50th Street and enjoying my cigarette (which Chris has nearly convinced me to call "butts" but I refuse) when I ran into tourists. And that's when I remembered it's also tourist city in the Isle.
Great. Now all I'll hear for the next two months out of my boss's window is some homeless guy playing sax. But at least I can make Chris go iceskating.
I've become quite popular at work. I'm friends with the publicists, and I try to make my way down to sales to see KJ every once in a while. It's nice thinking that I'm cool every once in a while and then I realize I'm a complete doofus again.
BUT I did have a stellar moment today. I followed the president of adult publishing and an asst from subrights in to the elevator. The asst asked me how i was and I totally capitalized on something Chris said to me about yesterday feeling like Thursday. I made the adult pres laugh FOUR TIMES going down 14 floors.. which I think is quite impressive. And since I am wearing my very grape frost purple pants today in honor of going to a show later with Chris and his tattooed harem of friends, I think she'll remember me.
And I was just going out for a smoke, and when I walked into the air it was crisp but warm (60 degrees) and I was reminded of how when I first came to NYC in October 2000 that I was amazed the city could be this beautiful late into the year. And then I remembered that the weather is always this beautiful in early November, when the moldy October has worn off and fall is in full session before winter. This is when the magic happens.
I was all full of myself rounding the corner of Rock Center Plaza and 50th Street and enjoying my cigarette (which Chris has nearly convinced me to call "butts" but I refuse) when I ran into tourists. And that's when I remembered it's also tourist city in the Isle.
Great. Now all I'll hear for the next two months out of my boss's window is some homeless guy playing sax. But at least I can make Chris go iceskating.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Ruminations
I have lots of witty things to say; at work, when I first get home; but by the time I can actually sit down here I don't have anything to say.
Other than that I officially FREAKED out last weekend. Particularly yesterday, when I realized:
a) in my drunken cowgirl stupor I had lost my favorite Coach wallet Amanda got me which was the first and only thing I EVER got in a little brown bag from Bloomie's that was more important to me than I care to admit
b) I am forever scarred by the love that was Pagliarulo and
c) there is a good chance that I will screw up the chris/meg connection somehow, knowingly and unknowning... and
d) that I'm completely going to expose myself to the Mac kid (Chris) and will probably end up listening to depressing Alison Krauss songs for another six months until someone breaks my heart
But then I remembered I still have:
a) my passport so I can get into bars and I have money to buy something ridiculously expensive to replace the self worth I had from the Coach Wallet
b) that Jackie likes Chris more than Todd (and Michelle said that she never thought Todd was right for me
c) that I really can't control what happens in my love life
d) Since hypocrasy is one of my pet peeves I can't back out of what I've been lecturing everyone about for years that its better to love and lose than not take the risk of finding someone who will get you and Chris is probably deserving of the risk
So here I go.. walletless and spending more time than I'd care to admit thinking about a dorky arts kid on the East Side.
Other than that I officially FREAKED out last weekend. Particularly yesterday, when I realized:
a) in my drunken cowgirl stupor I had lost my favorite Coach wallet Amanda got me which was the first and only thing I EVER got in a little brown bag from Bloomie's that was more important to me than I care to admit
b) I am forever scarred by the love that was Pagliarulo and
c) there is a good chance that I will screw up the chris/meg connection somehow, knowingly and unknowning... and
d) that I'm completely going to expose myself to the Mac kid (Chris) and will probably end up listening to depressing Alison Krauss songs for another six months until someone breaks my heart
But then I remembered I still have:
a) my passport so I can get into bars and I have money to buy something ridiculously expensive to replace the self worth I had from the Coach Wallet
b) that Jackie likes Chris more than Todd (and Michelle said that she never thought Todd was right for me
c) that I really can't control what happens in my love life
d) Since hypocrasy is one of my pet peeves I can't back out of what I've been lecturing everyone about for years that its better to love and lose than not take the risk of finding someone who will get you and Chris is probably deserving of the risk
So here I go.. walletless and spending more time than I'd care to admit thinking about a dorky arts kid on the East Side.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
I will always associate you with Sin City
I am such a busy, busy girl all the sudden.
After work today, I am running down to the Starbucks where I met Diallo (remember him? Chuckle, chuckle) to "study" with my gals, Jenni & Kay. I'm actually spending the night in my own bed tonight (unlike last night) and looking much forward to a night sort of at home (I say "sort of" because I have plans after work for a couple hours with the gals and have no doubt that I'll be working there too) before my big weekend where I will: Take a midterm, Help Jackie put my hair in pin curls, Go to a Zombie party, Dress up as a cowgirl, Introduce Chris to most of my friends and Spend Vast Amounts of Time Having Sex to Make Up For All the Bad Lays Mr. MacM has had and will also attempt to catch up on approximately 3 hours of working out I haven't done this week. That's a lot to do in one weekend...... and I'm already tired from it.
No large French Vanilla, two equals, Dunkin Donuts coffee can wake me up from that. Unfortunately... but perhaps a Pumpkin Spice Latte will help. Those are delicious!
And moving on.... the pool has ended. Working off of my hunch, Jackie HAS won the pool (a mighty $5 is what my sex life is worth) even though KJ was the (surprising) true winner. Yet again, I think Chris & I are the real winners. We were staring in each others eyes on the 6 train and all I could think about was how I felt like I was having an out of body experience.
But there was a moment last night where we talked about some pretty intimate things about exes and the like. In that moment, I felt the way I do with Ryan, where he knows me well enough to know what's bullshit and what's not. And although I know that's not true, I had a feeling that someday it will be true - that whether this romance blows up in our faces (as Kate ominiously warned me of this morning) or if it ends up being (gasp) forever... or even somewhere in between, which is more likely than anything else . . . that at least we'll be close enough to be honest. And that's worth it to me.
I was listening to my Ipod at lunch today and "Learning To Live Again" came on, and I thought it was really perfect for my mood... so even though it's Garth Brooks, bear with me (I love Garth, he's an oddly sexy bitch):
After work today, I am running down to the Starbucks where I met Diallo (remember him? Chuckle, chuckle) to "study" with my gals, Jenni & Kay. I'm actually spending the night in my own bed tonight (unlike last night) and looking much forward to a night sort of at home (I say "sort of" because I have plans after work for a couple hours with the gals and have no doubt that I'll be working there too) before my big weekend where I will: Take a midterm, Help Jackie put my hair in pin curls, Go to a Zombie party, Dress up as a cowgirl, Introduce Chris to most of my friends and Spend Vast Amounts of Time Having Sex to Make Up For All the Bad Lays Mr. MacM has had and will also attempt to catch up on approximately 3 hours of working out I haven't done this week. That's a lot to do in one weekend...... and I'm already tired from it.
No large French Vanilla, two equals, Dunkin Donuts coffee can wake me up from that. Unfortunately... but perhaps a Pumpkin Spice Latte will help. Those are delicious!
And moving on.... the pool has ended. Working off of my hunch, Jackie HAS won the pool (a mighty $5 is what my sex life is worth) even though KJ was the (surprising) true winner. Yet again, I think Chris & I are the real winners. We were staring in each others eyes on the 6 train and all I could think about was how I felt like I was having an out of body experience.
But there was a moment last night where we talked about some pretty intimate things about exes and the like. In that moment, I felt the way I do with Ryan, where he knows me well enough to know what's bullshit and what's not. And although I know that's not true, I had a feeling that someday it will be true - that whether this romance blows up in our faces (as Kate ominiously warned me of this morning) or if it ends up being (gasp) forever... or even somewhere in between, which is more likely than anything else . . . that at least we'll be close enough to be honest. And that's worth it to me.
I was listening to my Ipod at lunch today and "Learning To Live Again" came on, and I thought it was really perfect for my mood... so even though it's Garth Brooks, bear with me (I love Garth, he's an oddly sexy bitch):
And I say what a great time it's been
A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight
And I say, "can I see you again"
And she just smiles her best smile
And she laughs like it's going out of style
Looks into my eyes and says, "We'll see"
Oh this learning to live again is killing me
God this learning to live again is killing me
The thought struck me that all this has developed with Chris in about 3 days. Normally I wouldn't have even HAD a second date yet, much less developed a pseudorelationship where we decided that we both weren't interested in seeing anyone else because we didn't want to mess this up.
This morning, I got off the train and he stayed on. I kissed him quickly and then got off and when I got up on the stairs I looked over to see if I could see him.. and I couldn't. Suddenly I knew how fleeting this feeling is.... and how hard it is to come back after it. I discovered then that despite my enthuasiasm, I really am holding back and "we'll seeing".... because I don't want to be fallible again, don't want to get disappointed again... but then I realized that I don't idolize Chris the way I do Todd - because Chris TELLS me what he's thinking and feeling for the most part.. so I don't have to imagine that he likes me..
And eventually I won't have to imagine anything else either. (And in case you ask Chris, I have no idea what this means, but it just sounded sooo right.)
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Anyone Want to Spend Money?
Chris & I have been spending the last two nights talking. Literally talking on the phone. Last night was a short conversation lasting only about an hour and forty five minutes.
The kid is wonderful, what can I say. He hit it right on the nose when he said something like (I'm totally paraphrasing): "I can talk to you until 1 in the morning and still wake up with a smile on my face." And we have that effect on EACH OTHER which is beautiful.
And the fact that he's already called me beautiful? Good as well.
But we haven't had sex yet. And I joked about holding off and since apparently nearly all my friends think I'm a hooch, there is a POOL on exactly when Chris & I will hit the sack, including day bets and 3 hour increments. Being who I am, I mentioned it to a few people at work, and here's what they had to say:
Kelly - 10pm
KJ- 9pm
Michelle - anytime today, really... before we go to bed, even if technically its Thursday (like after 12:01am)
And I have no idea what Jackie (the pool organizer) is betting but she is the one that should know me best, being my roommate and all. She offered to let Chris in on it but not me (and we all know THAT's no fair.)
If you want to get in on it, feel free. post a comment here, and I'll pass it on to Jack if you want to bet $$. Otherwise, I'd just be curious...
Oh and everyone asked this, so I better give this info: tonight Chris and I are going to meet up after work, go get takeout chinese and watch a movie with his LCD projector on a wall while in bed eating said chinese. I'm staying over (I have a little tote with my overnight stuff) and we're going to eat bfast and go to work tomorrow AM as well.
So make your bets!
The kid is wonderful, what can I say. He hit it right on the nose when he said something like (I'm totally paraphrasing): "I can talk to you until 1 in the morning and still wake up with a smile on my face." And we have that effect on EACH OTHER which is beautiful.
And the fact that he's already called me beautiful? Good as well.
But we haven't had sex yet. And I joked about holding off and since apparently nearly all my friends think I'm a hooch, there is a POOL on exactly when Chris & I will hit the sack, including day bets and 3 hour increments. Being who I am, I mentioned it to a few people at work, and here's what they had to say:
Kelly - 10pm
KJ- 9pm
Michelle - anytime today, really... before we go to bed, even if technically its Thursday (like after 12:01am)
And I have no idea what Jackie (the pool organizer) is betting but she is the one that should know me best, being my roommate and all. She offered to let Chris in on it but not me (and we all know THAT's no fair.)
If you want to get in on it, feel free. post a comment here, and I'll pass it on to Jack if you want to bet $$. Otherwise, I'd just be curious...
Oh and everyone asked this, so I better give this info: tonight Chris and I are going to meet up after work, go get takeout chinese and watch a movie with his LCD projector on a wall while in bed eating said chinese. I'm staying over (I have a little tote with my overnight stuff) and we're going to eat bfast and go to work tomorrow AM as well.
So make your bets!
Sunday, October 23, 2005
SO a Second Date
I'm going to start a whole series like this I think. Or not. But yet again, maybe.......
I went out with Chris last night and the random CL hookup really worked for me. We only chatted online - he IMed me - for about twenty minutes before I managed to fish for an invite to go out with him and his friends to this bar in Chelsea which changed to a bar in Alphabet City...
The first time I saw him, I was reminded of Morgan, which some of you old friends may remember as the hipster (now loser) I slept with at CMJ 2000 - my first time in New York. But in a better way... had the hipster look (glasses, wool coat, Diesel, etc) but not the attitude or the drugs. At first I thought I might be too normal for him (He used to be a performance artist in college) but then we got to talking and we actually missed our stop on the F train because we were so engrossed in conversation. We made it to the bar after getting caught in the first fall thunderstorm completely soaked and talked until his friends came.
I was a little nervous to be thrown in with friends - especially because his best girl friend Katie was going to be there. But everything went smoothly and when they went to Brooklyn he suggested we stay in Manhattan. We did, and we really struck up good conversation - and when we kissed at the next bar an hour or so later, he said he'd been wanting to kiss me for an hour (which I totally was feeling as well).
We met up with Jackie & Ian in another bar and he wanted to take me home so I of course let him.... I'm not going to get into the details but when I woke up I hadn't added a number but I had a good time... and so did he.
I was in a hurry to meet Kate & KJ from work in Bklyn for bocce ball and brunch, so I went home - but Chris was nice enough to walk me across Central Park which was lovely and very tempting to just sit in but I couldn't (and of course all I really wanted to do is nap watch tv make out nap with Chris in his apartment but I couldn't do that either) but the bocce was fun - even if Kate & KJ tended to talk about their work a lot (they work for the same boss). And now I'm home with a second date on tap for Wednesday....
It was weird - when I got home I checked onto IM to see who was on (all these craigslist guys are Im'ing me constantly and every day I'm losing interest) and Todd was on with an away message of "in the park"... and even though its shallow and petty I really, really wanted him to see me with Chris - who is a lot cuter and more successful and just generally a good guy (so far). It's moments like that where I question if I'm over him.....
But when I'm giddy to see that Chris put up an away message that says "recovering from an amazing night" I know I am over Todd as much as I can be..... maybe not over the broken heart but over Todd himself.
So... all.... get ready for a Meg Dating Adventure! Complete with guitars, spiky hair, and David Bowie....and lots of East Side/West Side rivalry (In NYC there's three kinds of people: East Siders, West Siders, and Outer Borough people who don't count - this category also includes Jersey & other burbs. Chris is an east sider, while I am a west sider, tried & true. But we're trying to convert each other).
And to Jennie & Lis.. thanks for the comments. I took a look at myself in Chris's bathroom mirror this morning and I have to say that I look awesome. It's amazing what boys mirrors show that the one at home doesn't. ( I also saw that I should work in a couple places...)
I went out with Chris last night and the random CL hookup really worked for me. We only chatted online - he IMed me - for about twenty minutes before I managed to fish for an invite to go out with him and his friends to this bar in Chelsea which changed to a bar in Alphabet City...
The first time I saw him, I was reminded of Morgan, which some of you old friends may remember as the hipster (now loser) I slept with at CMJ 2000 - my first time in New York. But in a better way... had the hipster look (glasses, wool coat, Diesel, etc) but not the attitude or the drugs. At first I thought I might be too normal for him (He used to be a performance artist in college) but then we got to talking and we actually missed our stop on the F train because we were so engrossed in conversation. We made it to the bar after getting caught in the first fall thunderstorm completely soaked and talked until his friends came.
I was a little nervous to be thrown in with friends - especially because his best girl friend Katie was going to be there. But everything went smoothly and when they went to Brooklyn he suggested we stay in Manhattan. We did, and we really struck up good conversation - and when we kissed at the next bar an hour or so later, he said he'd been wanting to kiss me for an hour (which I totally was feeling as well).
We met up with Jackie & Ian in another bar and he wanted to take me home so I of course let him.... I'm not going to get into the details but when I woke up I hadn't added a number but I had a good time... and so did he.
I was in a hurry to meet Kate & KJ from work in Bklyn for bocce ball and brunch, so I went home - but Chris was nice enough to walk me across Central Park which was lovely and very tempting to just sit in but I couldn't (and of course all I really wanted to do is nap watch tv make out nap with Chris in his apartment but I couldn't do that either) but the bocce was fun - even if Kate & KJ tended to talk about their work a lot (they work for the same boss). And now I'm home with a second date on tap for Wednesday....
It was weird - when I got home I checked onto IM to see who was on (all these craigslist guys are Im'ing me constantly and every day I'm losing interest) and Todd was on with an away message of "in the park"... and even though its shallow and petty I really, really wanted him to see me with Chris - who is a lot cuter and more successful and just generally a good guy (so far). It's moments like that where I question if I'm over him.....
But when I'm giddy to see that Chris put up an away message that says "recovering from an amazing night" I know I am over Todd as much as I can be..... maybe not over the broken heart but over Todd himself.
So... all.... get ready for a Meg Dating Adventure! Complete with guitars, spiky hair, and David Bowie....and lots of East Side/West Side rivalry (In NYC there's three kinds of people: East Siders, West Siders, and Outer Borough people who don't count - this category also includes Jersey & other burbs. Chris is an east sider, while I am a west sider, tried & true. But we're trying to convert each other).
And to Jennie & Lis.. thanks for the comments. I took a look at myself in Chris's bathroom mirror this morning and I have to say that I look awesome. It's amazing what boys mirrors show that the one at home doesn't. ( I also saw that I should work in a couple places...)
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Yeah, A Date
Tonight, because that ho Kate didn't call me, I am going out on a bonafide date. With a fella named Chris - who I met online tonight... who found me through Craigslist.
I've been dying to post about this odd and yet satisfying experience all week. When else can your minimized AOL menu read 56 messages... all blinking at once? But since its almost 9:30 and I promised to meet him at Columbus Circle at 10, I can't get into that now...
But what I can show you is my face, up close and personal, because Jackie insisted that these lovable Craigslist guys needed to see my face and took my picture yesterday while I was chatting to them at my computer. When I saw it, I said - I'm THAT skinny.. and Michelle and Jackie stared at me and then simultaneously yelled YES!
Now I believe.... especially since I can fit into the teenybopper sized Britney shirt (in oh-so-flattering pepto bismol pink) that I bought when I purchased her perfume... which smells surprisingly good.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Yeah, Not a Date
About twenty minutes into our walk down by the Hudson, Managing Ed boy told me that he had two other dates this weekend (quite a ladykiller) and that he doesn't date anybody from work anymore (apparently he had an overnight adventure that did not turn out well).
SO not a date!
SO not a date!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
What Constitutes a Date, Exactly?
Today, managing ed boy is coming to my hood to eat brunch with me! Well, ghetto breakfast at the diner on the corner, but same difference, only sans alcoholic drinks.
According to our conversation Tuesday, we should have two more "dates" after this. Now whether or not those are dates, I guess, depends on how we act today. I hate not knowing if the guy really just wants to try diners all around the city or if he actually likes me.
But judging that he's coming about 200 blocks uptown to see me, I can guess it's NOT for the diner. But, then, what is it for? Friendship? Another source for gossip? Obviously the fact that I work with the guy moves the stakes higher, which is something I've tried to keep OFF of my mind while getting ready (and I look great, which is helpful.) But we do work at different imprints...........
Anyhoo, I just wanted to blog about when a date was a date - and you knew it! The 8th grade dance is a good example. Although you mostly met up at the dance, ignored the guy while asking your friends if he was looking at you and then slowdanced and maybe ended up necking (and I mean necking) in the back of his car in tenth grade. So maybe this new dating is better.
A thorn in the side of my plan is that also right now, Jackie & Michelle are coming up to get some clothes that I offered Michelle. Of course, she doesn't come up when I'm available to hang out, but when I have a date. However, they may be spying. One never knows - but Michelle was there when we arranged the damn date so who the hell knows.
But in a couple minutes, Managing Ed boy will call and I'll walk down and meet him on the corner, and I'll have a western omelette with cheese. The damn place better not be full.
And of course, now I'm second guessing my outfit. But if I change, then you know he'll call in the middle of changing my shirt. Which I'm totally going to do now.
More later.............................
According to our conversation Tuesday, we should have two more "dates" after this. Now whether or not those are dates, I guess, depends on how we act today. I hate not knowing if the guy really just wants to try diners all around the city or if he actually likes me.
But judging that he's coming about 200 blocks uptown to see me, I can guess it's NOT for the diner. But, then, what is it for? Friendship? Another source for gossip? Obviously the fact that I work with the guy moves the stakes higher, which is something I've tried to keep OFF of my mind while getting ready (and I look great, which is helpful.) But we do work at different imprints...........
Anyhoo, I just wanted to blog about when a date was a date - and you knew it! The 8th grade dance is a good example. Although you mostly met up at the dance, ignored the guy while asking your friends if he was looking at you and then slowdanced and maybe ended up necking (and I mean necking) in the back of his car in tenth grade. So maybe this new dating is better.
A thorn in the side of my plan is that also right now, Jackie & Michelle are coming up to get some clothes that I offered Michelle. Of course, she doesn't come up when I'm available to hang out, but when I have a date. However, they may be spying. One never knows - but Michelle was there when we arranged the damn date so who the hell knows.
But in a couple minutes, Managing Ed boy will call and I'll walk down and meet him on the corner, and I'll have a western omelette with cheese. The damn place better not be full.
And of course, now I'm second guessing my outfit. But if I change, then you know he'll call in the middle of changing my shirt. Which I'm totally going to do now.
More later.............................
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I love Ludacris..............
Normally I only "like" Ludacris - I mean, I could go either way on his songs... but in the movie CRASH? He's great.
He's partnered with Larenz Tate, who is always one of my favorite black actors (right up there with Taye Diggs...yummy yummy) among other people - and I have nothing bad to say about this movie. All of the characters are dead on, and the Dotti character far surpasses everyone else in terms of beauty (she's playing the daughter of an immigrant from Pakistan).
When most people in NYC hears I'm from Wisconsin, they think of country and cows and the Packers. My friend Mike - and Dwight at one point - there's no black people there, is there?
I totally don't think that's a bad question, considering they are young black men and when I flag down a cab when I'm with Mike, I get it much faster than he does - because I'm a white girl. (I of course blame this on my height - I'm easily three inches taller) - but really, it's all about race - and gender.
I think CRASH is a great movie, and I'm glad it was relatively quiet. The ensamble cast is AWESOME (you know the movie will be good if it has Don Cheadle, after all, although the Brendan Fraser is DEFINITELY questionable).
But on another subject, I did dump Mike. And although I'd like to think I let him down easy, I know I hurt his feelings. It definitely made me feel bad, but at the end of the day Sunday (he was over Saturday night, and then we went to brunch with Jackie and Yafreisi on Sunday), I felt like my old self again - I'm a maneater again (well, not quite, but a lot better than a whiny girl who talks about her ex constantly). I knew that I didn't dump him because he was black, or because he was short (although that was a hinderance)... but because I didn't like him...
And that I'm happy enough being alone to wait for somebody I want. Who will, probably, dump me. But that's okay - because all along I've been saying to anyone that will listen that the ups and downs is what life is all about.
I'll try to blog more.
He's partnered with Larenz Tate, who is always one of my favorite black actors (right up there with Taye Diggs...yummy yummy) among other people - and I have nothing bad to say about this movie. All of the characters are dead on, and the Dotti character far surpasses everyone else in terms of beauty (she's playing the daughter of an immigrant from Pakistan).
When most people in NYC hears I'm from Wisconsin, they think of country and cows and the Packers. My friend Mike - and Dwight at one point - there's no black people there, is there?
I totally don't think that's a bad question, considering they are young black men and when I flag down a cab when I'm with Mike, I get it much faster than he does - because I'm a white girl. (I of course blame this on my height - I'm easily three inches taller) - but really, it's all about race - and gender.
I think CRASH is a great movie, and I'm glad it was relatively quiet. The ensamble cast is AWESOME (you know the movie will be good if it has Don Cheadle, after all, although the Brendan Fraser is DEFINITELY questionable).
But on another subject, I did dump Mike. And although I'd like to think I let him down easy, I know I hurt his feelings. It definitely made me feel bad, but at the end of the day Sunday (he was over Saturday night, and then we went to brunch with Jackie and Yafreisi on Sunday), I felt like my old self again - I'm a maneater again (well, not quite, but a lot better than a whiny girl who talks about her ex constantly). I knew that I didn't dump him because he was black, or because he was short (although that was a hinderance)... but because I didn't like him...
And that I'm happy enough being alone to wait for somebody I want. Who will, probably, dump me. But that's okay - because all along I've been saying to anyone that will listen that the ups and downs is what life is all about.
I'll try to blog more.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Every Ghetto, Every City
Every suburban place I've been....Make me recall my days in New Jerusalem
I still love Lauryn Hill, even if she IS crazy now. Like loony bin, I-found-God crazy. But who can blame that girl? One word: Wyclef. Well I guess two words then..................
Anyway, I had a MOMENT today on the train. I was on my way back from work, actually early for once, and I was listening to the pod on a very crowded A and "Burn" by Usher came on after some Billy Joel and some old school junior high era songs played. All I could think about was that Todd probably felt like Usher when we broke up, and that I'm happy we are broken up. Cuz after all, if Todd hadn't broken up with me, I probably wouldn't have created the great friendships I have now and all of that... plus I wouldn't know Mike, who is quickly becoming a close friend (we had the "friends" discussion on Saturday on the corner of 8th Ave and 34th St and it went something like this:
Me: I'm just taking it very cautiously, very slowly you know? After everything that's happened (long drag on cigarettes that he hates - but after working on the Big Tobacco litigation, who can really blame him)
Him: I know, I am too. You know I'm attracted to you. That's obvious. But I want to be a friend. A lifelong friend.
Me: Well that's good. Me too. So if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't then I guess it doesn't.
Him: Great. Now I'm going to get drunk thinking about what you mean by "it".
Me: (Skeptical) Really? Well.. what I mean by "it" I guess is dating, a relationship, sex, what have you.
Him: That clears things up. Listen, let me know if you want to do lunch or a movie, or something this week okay? I know you're busy...
Me: Isn't it close to 8? (he had something to go to at 8.) I better let you go.
Him: Yeah. Bye hon
(Hug and very pecky kiss... still haven't really properly kissed that boy.)
So... I'm listening to BURN and thinking about all that, and how I even HAVE the song - my ex from high school gave me a CD last summer with it, which I took as a signal that the pathetic bastard maybe was still hurting over our breakup five years earlier. Now I'm more sympathetic. My eyes teared up and my chest tightened and I just thought, again, for the millionth time, wow. I'm here. And I want to appreciate that.
But then my mood changed again... with SCENES FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT, which was my anthem with Dan the man from Summer 04. And I thought about how different I am now when I opened the door onto 184th Street, and as I walked to the grocery store I remembered to stand up tall and throw my shoulders back so my tiny gut wouldn't show in this small-sized sweater that I am wearing now that I'm a teeny tiny girl.
And on my way home with my bags from the store and my new Guess manuscript purse/bag, I listened to Lauryn as I walked across the street where she filmed her video for DOO WOP (THAT THING) - my block - and let myself in the door.
I still love Lauryn Hill, even if she IS crazy now. Like loony bin, I-found-God crazy. But who can blame that girl? One word: Wyclef. Well I guess two words then..................
Anyway, I had a MOMENT today on the train. I was on my way back from work, actually early for once, and I was listening to the pod on a very crowded A and "Burn" by Usher came on after some Billy Joel and some old school junior high era songs played. All I could think about was that Todd probably felt like Usher when we broke up, and that I'm happy we are broken up. Cuz after all, if Todd hadn't broken up with me, I probably wouldn't have created the great friendships I have now and all of that... plus I wouldn't know Mike, who is quickly becoming a close friend (we had the "friends" discussion on Saturday on the corner of 8th Ave and 34th St and it went something like this:
Me: I'm just taking it very cautiously, very slowly you know? After everything that's happened (long drag on cigarettes that he hates - but after working on the Big Tobacco litigation, who can really blame him)
Him: I know, I am too. You know I'm attracted to you. That's obvious. But I want to be a friend. A lifelong friend.
Me: Well that's good. Me too. So if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't then I guess it doesn't.
Him: Great. Now I'm going to get drunk thinking about what you mean by "it".
Me: (Skeptical) Really? Well.. what I mean by "it" I guess is dating, a relationship, sex, what have you.
Him: That clears things up. Listen, let me know if you want to do lunch or a movie, or something this week okay? I know you're busy...
Me: Isn't it close to 8? (he had something to go to at 8.) I better let you go.
Him: Yeah. Bye hon
(Hug and very pecky kiss... still haven't really properly kissed that boy.)
So... I'm listening to BURN and thinking about all that, and how I even HAVE the song - my ex from high school gave me a CD last summer with it, which I took as a signal that the pathetic bastard maybe was still hurting over our breakup five years earlier. Now I'm more sympathetic. My eyes teared up and my chest tightened and I just thought, again, for the millionth time, wow. I'm here. And I want to appreciate that.
But then my mood changed again... with SCENES FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT, which was my anthem with Dan the man from Summer 04. And I thought about how different I am now when I opened the door onto 184th Street, and as I walked to the grocery store I remembered to stand up tall and throw my shoulders back so my tiny gut wouldn't show in this small-sized sweater that I am wearing now that I'm a teeny tiny girl.
And on my way home with my bags from the store and my new Guess manuscript purse/bag, I listened to Lauryn as I walked across the street where she filmed her video for DOO WOP (THAT THING) - my block - and let myself in the door.
You know it's hot, don't forget what you've got
Looking back
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
You know it's hot, don't forget what you've got
Looking back
Thinking back, thinking back, thinking back
THIS is why I'll never, ever, give up my Ipod willingly. Unless someone tries to rob me for it, and then I'll just buy a new one and leave them with all the problems of mine.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Boys, Boys, Boys
Today I was all fired up a couple times to write on the blog because of something that had happened to me, but as usual I got distracted and forgot what witty comments I had going back and forth in my head like the pinball in a random glass game.
But now that I'm between working out and studying (and avoiding the studying part) and listening to country music on Itunes radio, It is time. I'm pretty sure that everyone but Reid and Erica have gotten bored with the blog (although I think James reads it as well as a way of keeping up with me without actually having to talk to me, which is why I read Reid's blog. (That, and Reid is just plain funny.)
Anyway, we had a board meeting today at work, which we have every week, to talk about editorial projects and some corporate person probably from HR that none of us had heard of before came in and gave her seminar on blogs. And how everyone uses them, that the number of blogs has doubled, etc, etc. All of which made me a) not want to reveal that I had a blog because other than certain people at work (i.e., Amanda, Athena- well, she USED to be a coworker, KJ) I don't necessarily want everyone reading my blog. Since then they'll actually be able to SEE my insecurity rather than just assuming its there. Not good. So I didn't offer up the information.
Since my blogging though, my journaling has come to a halt. I think that is for two reasons: a) I get most of the frustration out here and if it's major and private, I have the journal and b) it's really annoying (not to mention stupid and time consuming) to write the same thing twice. And since I talk to most of my friends like I would talk to myself, I might as well blog. (And save myself the repetition). Plus, I like the idea of complete strangers knowing a piece of me and still not being able to recognize me on the street.
So what's new in the life of Meg, you say? Well, if you've bothered to get this far in the post, I should reward you. I met a guy at my friend Dave's party about two weeks ago. His name is Mike, he's a contracts lawyer with a firm that freelances for pharmaceutical companies (he worked on Vioxx & Celebrex) and he's from Coney Island. He's really nice, but he's 5'4 - which is really short, since I'm 5'8 or 5'9) and I don't think I want to date him. But I'm going to see how I feel after a couple more dates. I don't think it's him, though.... I had a breakthrough on Sunday and just realized I don't want (or need) to date. I like having guy FRIENDS around, but there's a reason I shrink away from physical touch but still want it so much.
But now that I'm between working out and studying (and avoiding the studying part) and listening to country music on Itunes radio, It is time. I'm pretty sure that everyone but Reid and Erica have gotten bored with the blog (although I think James reads it as well as a way of keeping up with me without actually having to talk to me, which is why I read Reid's blog. (That, and Reid is just plain funny.)
Anyway, we had a board meeting today at work, which we have every week, to talk about editorial projects and some corporate person probably from HR that none of us had heard of before came in and gave her seminar on blogs. And how everyone uses them, that the number of blogs has doubled, etc, etc. All of which made me a) not want to reveal that I had a blog because other than certain people at work (i.e., Amanda, Athena- well, she USED to be a coworker, KJ) I don't necessarily want everyone reading my blog. Since then they'll actually be able to SEE my insecurity rather than just assuming its there. Not good. So I didn't offer up the information.
Since my blogging though, my journaling has come to a halt. I think that is for two reasons: a) I get most of the frustration out here and if it's major and private, I have the journal and b) it's really annoying (not to mention stupid and time consuming) to write the same thing twice. And since I talk to most of my friends like I would talk to myself, I might as well blog. (And save myself the repetition). Plus, I like the idea of complete strangers knowing a piece of me and still not being able to recognize me on the street.
So what's new in the life of Meg, you say? Well, if you've bothered to get this far in the post, I should reward you. I met a guy at my friend Dave's party about two weeks ago. His name is Mike, he's a contracts lawyer with a firm that freelances for pharmaceutical companies (he worked on Vioxx & Celebrex) and he's from Coney Island. He's really nice, but he's 5'4 - which is really short, since I'm 5'8 or 5'9) and I don't think I want to date him. But I'm going to see how I feel after a couple more dates. I don't think it's him, though.... I had a breakthrough on Sunday and just realized I don't want (or need) to date. I like having guy FRIENDS around, but there's a reason I shrink away from physical touch but still want it so much.
I'm over TODD, but I'm not OVER him.
What I mean by that is that I'm finally okay with Todd. As the song says, as long as he "stays gone" I'll be fine. But I'm not over the LOSS yet, the pain, the hurt that he caused me by breaking my heart. Essentially, I'm just not ready for another guy. With Aaron, it wasn't as recognizable because I just didn't like him. With Mike, I wish I was in a better place, and that he was maybe 5 inches taller.
Last weekend I went to Coney and had fun with him. The only bad time was when I said something about Todd fucking me up emotionally and he went on a "I'm older and wiser" tangent for about 10 minutes about forgiveness that even he lost himself on. So... other than listening to THAT.. it was fine. His roommate is really cool, and cute, so I have to try not to be attracted to him and screw over Mike. I'm going to try to handle it better so that we can stay friends afterwards.
But I saw Dave - who is tall enough - at work today, and I think I gave him the shaft when I thought he laughed too loud, and was a little bit of a dork for me. Yes, he is that way, but so am I. And now I'm kind of attracted to him too. We've drunkenly kissed and I slept in his bed (if you can call it that) in SpaHa (Spanish Harlem.. where he lives) when I partied there, but when I think of him all I can think of is this great embrace we had when we were about to get out of bed and go to brunch with (note irony here) Mike.
This is all very tricky; I work with Dave (although a different division, I rarely see him). To make things more complicated, Mike, Dave and Dwight (Mike's roommate) are all friends; so the Guy Code of Ethics cannot be broken. Of course, I invited Dave with (I felt bad making plans with friends he introduced me to and not inviting him) on Friday when we are all supposed to go out to dinner & a comedy club. Jackie's coming with, and I'm trying to get my friend Autumne for Dwight, but I think what I'll probably end up doing is having some kind of conversation with Dwight about it all; he seems the safest to talk to.
What I really should do is tell them all I can't date anyone right now. But we all know me better than that, don't we? Feel free to advise.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Ahhhh Air America
Tonight, while I was painfully drawing myself through my workout (I don't think I properly stretched or something) I was listening to Air America.... the liberal talk radio station which I really like because it makes me realize that although I'm a complete and utter democrat, I may stride more to the middle than I thought before.
That and I've lost that blogging feeling and wish I had something more witty to say than that I should go do the dishes because my sickly roommate can't get out of bed.
That and I've lost that blogging feeling and wish I had something more witty to say than that I should go do the dishes because my sickly roommate can't get out of bed.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Sooo Sorry Y'All
I only realized it now, but Y'all has been slipping into my lexicon. Maybe it's because I have the same haircut as my boss' boss, who is Southern.
Now that I have the Miranda hair (and about as close to Cynthia Nixon's body as I'm going to get), I also have Miranda hours. I spent nearly 11 hours at work on Monday, and I'm not done yet. Working for two bosses is hard... (did I mention that I got a non-promotion promotion, and that I'm working for two editors?)
Anyway, my life has gotten exceedingly busy. My friend came to visit this week for business, so I had to get drunk with him on Monday, and yesterday I went to a presentation by the editor-in-chief of the publishers' trade mag, and tomorrow I'm going to an author event... with Michelle & Jackie and aforementioned boy.. and Saturday I have a date!!!
Is it no wonder that I HAD to go to Victoria's Secret today and buy underwear and bras because I don't have time to do my laundry? Ridiculous........................
Now that I have the Miranda hair (and about as close to Cynthia Nixon's body as I'm going to get), I also have Miranda hours. I spent nearly 11 hours at work on Monday, and I'm not done yet. Working for two bosses is hard... (did I mention that I got a non-promotion promotion, and that I'm working for two editors?)
Anyway, my life has gotten exceedingly busy. My friend came to visit this week for business, so I had to get drunk with him on Monday, and yesterday I went to a presentation by the editor-in-chief of the publishers' trade mag, and tomorrow I'm going to an author event... with Michelle & Jackie and aforementioned boy.. and Saturday I have a date!!!
Is it no wonder that I HAD to go to Victoria's Secret today and buy underwear and bras because I don't have time to do my laundry? Ridiculous........................
Sunday, September 11, 2005
oh by the way
This is me! The top pic is at a Salt Museum somewhere in Upstate NY... (how cool is a SALT MUSEUM?!?!? on me & Jackie's fourth of July adventure...
And then another of me (On the left - I wore those clothes for nearly 2 straight days) and my roomie, Jackie, at Niagara Falls..... memories courtesy of what I seem to remember as foreign (japanese?) tourists..
"I Don't Get People Who Don't Love This" Says Michelle
Today, Michelle, Autumne and I went to brunch at Essex, this fabulously trendy but we go there to snark on the hipsters place on the Lower East Side that offers a delicious $15 brunch with three intoxicating drinks included. THEN we went across town - ("You KNOW this neighborhood?" says Autumne and I pretend I do - the only reason I know it is that I've gotten lost there so many times) - on Bowery and Prince St and discovered vintage coats - I nearly bought one - on a rack about a block away from the Young Designer's Market on Mulberry... and then we went to my personal mecca, EXPRESS.
And I left with $400 worth of new clothes - of course not as many as I should have gotten for $400, but I did buy two new pairs of pants - including a very 80s womens tuxedo pair... but take out the satin lining on the inseam and the outside of the legs and replace it with lace.... I feel great!! Especially since those were a size 8, rather than a 10 (see the June archives for more info on that accomplishment). And I hope it will be the beginning of a beautiful thousand dollar wardrobe makeover. My treat!
But enough about me. New comment: we're walking across Houston towards the giant Crate & Barrel... on BWay and Michelle says "I still think there's something wrong with people who don't like New York. I just don't get people who don't love this.." and I thought, Amen sister! And then I realized that these girls are fantastic because they get it! Jackie is USED to it, but me and Michelle and all these kids from other places know what it is to dream about being here... and take advantage of it.
So we took advantage - we walked through Washington Square Park with our bags from shoppin... and showed Autumne how cool street performers are. That girl's getting a tour with me the next couple weeks!
I swear I'm learning more about myself every day... discovered another one of the roots about why I go to Central Park every week... especially since the guys on the transverse have gotten uglier if anything. Spandex is not for everyone, people!
More blogging to come, of course - one week til James is here and another boy's in love with me.... has always been, in fact, and came back into my life to give me hickeys last week that no one at work spoke about (thank god). Too bad I'm still in love with Todd..................................... something else Michelle has a very perceptive understanding of.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
New Discoveries and Old Friends
This weekend I discovered I look exactly like my great grandmother. Mind you, I've always remarked that my mom and I look distinctly alike in childhood pictures (not so much anymore, unfortunately!! She's 5'2....) but this was downright scary.
Apparently when my grandmother's obit was published in her hometown (well, where she grew up, anyway) in the Fox Valley area of Wisconsin (Neenah, Green Bay, Appleton, Kaukauna) distant relatives mailed my aunt a bunch of geneology - resolving a family mystery of sorts.
A little backstory: my grandma, Dorothy Tebo Lindstrom, was an orphan. The story goes that her parents - Blanche Tebo and Mitchell something or other had an illegitimate, partly Native American child - and Blanche was really young. She died at age 24, and so my grandma was hustled around to various people - her Grandma (who was really not her grandma) and the infamous Aunt Maude who was really strict and generally a bitch. Not that my grandma would ever say that, but.... now that I've seen a picture of this woman, I agree that she's pretty scary.
Grandma's history was so sketchy that we didn't even know her real birthday until after she died. Her birth certificate said September 11, but she always claimed it was August 11 (she was right - ha!!). Well, when these relatives mailed my aunt Wendy all this documentation and geneology (including pictures) we discovered that a) we were French and that b) Tebo was really Thibault.
And I'm looking at this woman, the same day I got my hair cut, where my stylist noted that my hair kinda goes one way and waves in that same way. And I'm looking at my great grandmother, Blanche, and I realize her hair (in the 20s flapper style) is cut in a VERY similar way and that her hair's doing the exact same thing that mine does when I try to straighten it without the help of professionals. And that I have her nose, which has always not been a Lindstrom nor a Stevenson nose.
As she always does, my mom gave me some of my grandma's possessions - since we were so close. She gave me this mirror I used to always play with and hold and look at (I didn't tell her that I picked it up EVERY time I went in my grandparents bedroom, regardless of whether I was 4 or 14). And I picked it up this evening, at 12:30 am, when I totally should have been sleeping - and thought, wow. I have more of a history than I thought.
When my aunt mails me all of the family history, I'll go to Ellis Island again. But this time, I'll be armed.
And I'll know why I feel a presence there, when it didn't make sense before.
All sorts of my history are becoming eerily relevant, but that's a blog for another day.
Is it strange that moments like this make me miss Todd?
Apparently when my grandmother's obit was published in her hometown (well, where she grew up, anyway) in the Fox Valley area of Wisconsin (Neenah, Green Bay, Appleton, Kaukauna) distant relatives mailed my aunt a bunch of geneology - resolving a family mystery of sorts.
A little backstory: my grandma, Dorothy Tebo Lindstrom, was an orphan. The story goes that her parents - Blanche Tebo and Mitchell something or other had an illegitimate, partly Native American child - and Blanche was really young. She died at age 24, and so my grandma was hustled around to various people - her Grandma (who was really not her grandma) and the infamous Aunt Maude who was really strict and generally a bitch. Not that my grandma would ever say that, but.... now that I've seen a picture of this woman, I agree that she's pretty scary.
Grandma's history was so sketchy that we didn't even know her real birthday until after she died. Her birth certificate said September 11, but she always claimed it was August 11 (she was right - ha!!). Well, when these relatives mailed my aunt Wendy all this documentation and geneology (including pictures) we discovered that a) we were French and that b) Tebo was really Thibault.
And I'm looking at this woman, the same day I got my hair cut, where my stylist noted that my hair kinda goes one way and waves in that same way. And I'm looking at my great grandmother, Blanche, and I realize her hair (in the 20s flapper style) is cut in a VERY similar way and that her hair's doing the exact same thing that mine does when I try to straighten it without the help of professionals. And that I have her nose, which has always not been a Lindstrom nor a Stevenson nose.
As she always does, my mom gave me some of my grandma's possessions - since we were so close. She gave me this mirror I used to always play with and hold and look at (I didn't tell her that I picked it up EVERY time I went in my grandparents bedroom, regardless of whether I was 4 or 14). And I picked it up this evening, at 12:30 am, when I totally should have been sleeping - and thought, wow. I have more of a history than I thought.
When my aunt mails me all of the family history, I'll go to Ellis Island again. But this time, I'll be armed.
And I'll know why I feel a presence there, when it didn't make sense before.
All sorts of my history are becoming eerily relevant, but that's a blog for another day.
Is it strange that moments like this make me miss Todd?
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Quotes from the Weekend
Since I don't have time before work to fully blog, herewith quotes from my weekend in Wisconsin:
Dad: What are you doing home anyway? It's not Christmas.
Ryan: I guess your mom doesn't hate me anymore
Me: He's still smoking with a collapsed lung and a chest tube?
Mom: I keep thinking it's a dream, and then I look at these nails.
Dad: What are you doing home anyway? It's not Christmas.
Ryan: I guess your mom doesn't hate me anymore
Me: He's still smoking with a collapsed lung and a chest tube?
Mom: I keep thinking it's a dream, and then I look at these nails.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
The End of Summer
Aahh, the end of summer!
Where did my summer go? It felt like summer three times to me:
#1: at Kevin's house in Bedford, skinny dipping and otherwise being irresponsible in the pool
#2: fourth of july weekend in general, particularly when we left Wash Heights
#3: the Williamsburg summer party that Athena, Aaron & I all attended
Alot and nothing has happenned this summer. I got a lot of mini-promotions at work; starting doing the board meeting minutes, working for two editors instead of one (which I'm STILL dealing with, frankly), and a lot of change happened there in general with the hiring/firing squad of July and August. I got dumped by Todd; theoretically twice but literally once; and I dated a cool guy that I just didn't like (Aaron) and who I think didn't really like me. But that's okay too.
I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, and symbolically I guess I'm doing the same thing I did last year; leaving WI on Labor Day weekend to go to the big city. But this year, I have my own place, I have a job, and I have a life.
I realized I was homesick when I started listening to ALOT of country music. I listen to a lot of it anyway, but this was crazy. Nothing but country up and down the A line on the pod. And as much as I know a lot of my library is dominated by it, I knew something was up. I knew I had to go home.
And so I booked the flight. There are a lot of memoirs about Jews reconciling their "Jewishness" and black people embracing their heritage (otherwise known as the Harlem Renaissance); but nowhere is a memoir about how you reconcile being a city girl, rocking out to Rascal Flatts (the equivalent of a boy band in country music) or Reba on the train. Or maybe there is (if you've read it, please post).
So for now, I plan to go home, listen to ALOT of WDEZ (the country station back home I really like) and camp. With Ryan, one of my dearest friends, by my side - and get to know him again, and let him get to know the wiser, older, can-hold-a-subway-door-open-and-is-strong-enough- to-push-it but still can't start a fire to save her life without lighter fluid Meghan.
And if anyone's got a problem with that, I say, "lemmme at em" (picture Brando with a Brooklyn twinge).
So that's the news from Lake Wobegon, my home town. Until Monday or Tuesday, when I regail you with stories of my daddy and uncle dave and jenna with the hooker boots and ryan with the receding hairline/ponytail and all the mullety action that is Merrill/Irma/Tomahawk, Wisconsin.
Where did my summer go? It felt like summer three times to me:
#1: at Kevin's house in Bedford, skinny dipping and otherwise being irresponsible in the pool
#2: fourth of july weekend in general, particularly when we left Wash Heights
#3: the Williamsburg summer party that Athena, Aaron & I all attended
Alot and nothing has happenned this summer. I got a lot of mini-promotions at work; starting doing the board meeting minutes, working for two editors instead of one (which I'm STILL dealing with, frankly), and a lot of change happened there in general with the hiring/firing squad of July and August. I got dumped by Todd; theoretically twice but literally once; and I dated a cool guy that I just didn't like (Aaron) and who I think didn't really like me. But that's okay too.
I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, and symbolically I guess I'm doing the same thing I did last year; leaving WI on Labor Day weekend to go to the big city. But this year, I have my own place, I have a job, and I have a life.
I realized I was homesick when I started listening to ALOT of country music. I listen to a lot of it anyway, but this was crazy. Nothing but country up and down the A line on the pod. And as much as I know a lot of my library is dominated by it, I knew something was up. I knew I had to go home.
And so I booked the flight. There are a lot of memoirs about Jews reconciling their "Jewishness" and black people embracing their heritage (otherwise known as the Harlem Renaissance); but nowhere is a memoir about how you reconcile being a city girl, rocking out to Rascal Flatts (the equivalent of a boy band in country music) or Reba on the train. Or maybe there is (if you've read it, please post).
So for now, I plan to go home, listen to ALOT of WDEZ (the country station back home I really like) and camp. With Ryan, one of my dearest friends, by my side - and get to know him again, and let him get to know the wiser, older, can-hold-a-subway-door-open-and-is-strong-enough- to-push-it but still can't start a fire to save her life without lighter fluid Meghan.
And if anyone's got a problem with that, I say, "lemmme at em" (picture Brando with a Brooklyn twinge).
So that's the news from Lake Wobegon, my home town. Until Monday or Tuesday, when I regail you with stories of my daddy and uncle dave and jenna with the hooker boots and ryan with the receding hairline/ponytail and all the mullety action that is Merrill/Irma/Tomahawk, Wisconsin.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The Million Dollar Question
My semi-drunk friend Justin on IM says to me:
Justin says:
so your this succsessful new york publisher chick
Meg says:
yeah for the time being
Justin says:
lol
Justin says:
thats cool though
Justin says:
are you happy?
so your this succsessful new york publisher chick
Meg says:
yeah for the time being
Justin says:
lol
Justin says:
thats cool though
Justin says:
are you happy?
And I decide, despite my whining to the contrary about:
1. My job being far too much work without a raise (come on, I'm doing two people's jobs and getting paid for one! As my little bro would say, that's no fair!)
2. Only having a couple friends in the city (although that IS growing and hopefully will continue to grow)
3. Having to clean up after my roommate who leaves food out and then freaks when we have one cockroach (but who's not that bad 70% of the time)
4. Being broke until financial aid and probably even after that
and
5. What else? Todd.. even though that's lessened in the past few weeks -has anyone even NOTICED my progress?
That I shockingly am pretty darned happy with myself.
And of all the non-promotion promotions, all the boyfriends and VH1 dates and cool Williamsburg apartments, and neato Korean/Jewish friends, hipster parties with burlesque dancers, reminicent discussions of SWEET VALLEY HIGH books, late-night discussions with Jackie about boob stretching (like stretching your ears, only with nipples - look it up in NEW YORK Magazine), early nights staring at Todd/James/Aaron's back.... and the late nights where I stay up way too late reading backlist, or end up puking on the subway, or being stared at on the street, or watching a blind woman navigate the A train and refuse to sit down, while I, a well-bodied 24 year old is because she hates standing for more than 3 stops....
is all part of why I'm happy.
Because frankly, I wouldn't be me without this city, and my boss(es), and Todd (breakups or not), and my friends (both old and new) and my family, and everything else that happens to me every single day. And I thank God/Allah/Jesus/Jehovah/Yahweh every day (or at least every Sunday: EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION is a good check in with the Lord about your blessings) for what I have. And for what is yet to come.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Overwhelming.... Can't You Just Be "Whelmed"?
Great line from TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, and exactly how I feel this morning.
At work on Thursday I got told that my new friend was let go; and that essentially I'd be taking on her responsibilities. SO now I'm working for two editors. YIKES!!!
Jackie's birthday was Friday; she got waaaay too drunk, and I'll fill in later all about THAT experience....
and Saturday I went to Aaron's in Williamburg, he made delicious steak and I decided I wouldn't really want to date him, because I really don't like him all that much. So depressing because he looks so good on paper and because he's a really interesting guy.
More stories to come.....
And I have to take the new new girl out to lunch today. But at least it's free.
At work on Thursday I got told that my new friend was let go; and that essentially I'd be taking on her responsibilities. SO now I'm working for two editors. YIKES!!!
Jackie's birthday was Friday; she got waaaay too drunk, and I'll fill in later all about THAT experience....
and Saturday I went to Aaron's in Williamburg, he made delicious steak and I decided I wouldn't really want to date him, because I really don't like him all that much. So depressing because he looks so good on paper and because he's a really interesting guy.
More stories to come.....
And I have to take the new new girl out to lunch today. But at least it's free.
Monday, August 15, 2005
I'm Getting Old
Today I did the good deed of emptying all the old mail out of my hotmail accounts.... and discovered that I AM OLD.
I have an email from my ex, Troy, in which he refers to my Halloween party with Brandi in the 451 E. 8th St apartment -- that's dated October 23, 2003!
Mind you, this party seems like yesterday to me. Although it was before I even slept with Adam or found out I was moving to NYC for sure, it's still totally yesterday. I remember locking my cat, Sam, into my bedroom and having to clean the carpet three times to get all the cigarette ash out. And I remember everyone singing MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA when it came on - including the white guys.
What the hell happened? Was I a senior in college for the last time TWO YEARS AGO? My lord, my lord, my lord. But I guess I have advanced. Instead of playing the game with my "overnight buddy" Adam, I'm going out to dinner with the writer from VH1... who I adore and talked to about a pita today. Yeah, a pita.
But it was cute. And I love the fact that I all I have to complain about is a) a lack of work and b) that I can't fit in my workouts due to my busy social schedule. Living in the greatest city in the world helps, too.
I have an email from my ex, Troy, in which he refers to my Halloween party with Brandi in the 451 E. 8th St apartment -- that's dated October 23, 2003!
Mind you, this party seems like yesterday to me. Although it was before I even slept with Adam or found out I was moving to NYC for sure, it's still totally yesterday. I remember locking my cat, Sam, into my bedroom and having to clean the carpet three times to get all the cigarette ash out. And I remember everyone singing MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA when it came on - including the white guys.
What the hell happened? Was I a senior in college for the last time TWO YEARS AGO? My lord, my lord, my lord. But I guess I have advanced. Instead of playing the game with my "overnight buddy" Adam, I'm going out to dinner with the writer from VH1... who I adore and talked to about a pita today. Yeah, a pita.
But it was cute. And I love the fact that I all I have to complain about is a) a lack of work and b) that I can't fit in my workouts due to my busy social schedule. Living in the greatest city in the world helps, too.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
The Weekend of Aarons (& Assorted Coworkers)
Friday: Went out with Kate from work (totally cool new hire in sales) to Sea Thai (saw friend who was waitressing from school - the Thai girl I can never understand! and this was no exception!!!, got huge discount and free dumplings), Then we went to Bowery Bar to catch up with Kate's friend, and then went to a private party at a new bar on 27th, hung out with a bunch of Murray Hill Jewish guys (including one of my authors, named Aaron..... who was very fun to meet and chill with...... but to my dismay, no one interesting otherwise to talk to - although Michelle & I went to Shade and got SHITFACED on wine..... thus resulting in (for me) puking when I woke up on the train at 168th St... and hangovers (for her and me.... ). Now I remember why I hate the East Side.....
SaturDAY: took myself out. Went to brunch (Jackie woke up foreboding the heat wave saying that there were warnings on TV and that I would end up with heatstroke if I spent the entire day hungover in the apartment) by myself and read a great new book, LOVE IS THE ONLY DRUG, which made me feel better about myself, a la Elizabeth Wurtzel (that I'm not SO crazy...). I also went to go see HUSTLE & FLOW, which was superb.... I love Taryn Manning!!!! Then I came home and ended up showering and leaving for......
Saturday Night: Went to absolutely fantastic party with Athena (editorial new hire that I ADORE.....) in Williamsburg, compete with ducks (duck and cover), fountain, gazebo, hot bartender, free all-you-can-eat-and-drink whatever, miscellaneous people, dancing, what I'm pretty sure was a professional male "exotic dancer" and a TRUE burlesque dancer (www.missrubyvalentine.com) who bears a resemblance (from a distance) to my friend Erica - except Erica's skinnier... or was last time I saw her.
So I had grapes from these people who had gone somewhere deep in Bklyn for an off-the-vine grape picking experience - which was totally weird, but the grapes were absolutely delicious and I handed this guy grapes to eat as well while we were waiting for half-raw burgers off the grill..... (my pickup line was "want some brooklyn grapes? )
About an hour later he approached me in the yard, we talked, and another hour in, we were inseparable for the evening. His name is also Aaron (hence the title of the post) and he's a writer for VH1, a very fun guy (I am proud of any white guy who can dance and hold a drink at the same time), also from the Midwest (Indiana...) and I was taken aback when he said that he could fall in love with me because I got sick of trying to politely slice a burger with a plastic fork and at the same time balance the drink on the plate.... and just picked up the whole thing and ate it with grease dripping down my fingers. I think the actual words were "this may be very much too soon, but I think I could be in love with you..." (Mind you, this was a half hour into our conversation at best.)
This was the first of a great many things he said to me both last night and this morning.... when we quickly exited the nice apartment (it is Williamsburg, after all) to go to the bar (at 8:30 am - for him, not me - to watch Arsenal play..... with Spanish commentary - but it was a live broadcast... I found this soccer obsession of his endearing, which just proves to me yet again that I'm weird) and home (me) he said he felt bad because he didn't do what he normally does which is make breakfast (omelets, with tomatoes from HIS GARDEN).
We had the usual awkwardness, and there wasn't a grand gesture, but after all grand gestures have not served me well in the past. This is the first guy I've really liked in a long time (not counting Todd); and by really liked I mean could totally see myself with. He's funny, articulate, kind, ambitious and at the same time, very challenging and I think smarter than me. We had text flirting earlier today; I managed to stay up all day and get shit done (surprisingly) even though now I'm definitely coming down off my all day Aaron high.
I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I think I like him a lot and I hope we see each other more. We work relatively close to each other which is always good since we don't exactly live close; but his place is a lot cooler than mine (he has A/C so I mean this both figuratively and literally).
And it helps that when I googled him, I found that he had interviewed Michelle Branch for her first album for MTV.... and that he loves Nick Hornby as much as I do. And the fact that he knows all about any kind of music, ever, and gets to go to tapings of CROSSROADS... (CMT).
Plus.... anyone who's comfortable playing the guitar naked is okay with me.
I also really like the fact that within about an hour or two of meeting me (when he was in the arm brushing the shoulder physical contact progression) he said that he a) really likes me and b) is really scared that he'll mess it up? I told him that I could be in love with him for that comment.... and he laughed.
And then when he asked me to come back by saying that all he wanted to do was shower (we were dancing and my shirt was SOAKED THROUGH....) and hold me, I was completely smitten. So, okay maybe I'm not down off of my high yet.
& Today: I've been very productive (laundry, working out, etc) and very sweaty. Jackie left for Westchester again to help Dave build our mammoth of a bookcase, and I'm just airing out the apartment, hoping that it will storm and stop being 95 degrees out..... and I'm going to cry watching EXTREME MAKEOVER: Home Edition....
But I won't stop smiling. Fucking VH1! Totally makes up for the receding hairline (which I think is cute....), right?
SaturDAY: took myself out. Went to brunch (Jackie woke up foreboding the heat wave saying that there were warnings on TV and that I would end up with heatstroke if I spent the entire day hungover in the apartment) by myself and read a great new book, LOVE IS THE ONLY DRUG, which made me feel better about myself, a la Elizabeth Wurtzel (that I'm not SO crazy...). I also went to go see HUSTLE & FLOW, which was superb.... I love Taryn Manning!!!! Then I came home and ended up showering and leaving for......
Saturday Night: Went to absolutely fantastic party with Athena (editorial new hire that I ADORE.....) in Williamsburg, compete with ducks (duck and cover), fountain, gazebo, hot bartender, free all-you-can-eat-and-drink whatever, miscellaneous people, dancing, what I'm pretty sure was a professional male "exotic dancer" and a TRUE burlesque dancer (www.missrubyvalentine.com) who bears a resemblance (from a distance) to my friend Erica - except Erica's skinnier... or was last time I saw her.
So I had grapes from these people who had gone somewhere deep in Bklyn for an off-the-vine grape picking experience - which was totally weird, but the grapes were absolutely delicious and I handed this guy grapes to eat as well while we were waiting for half-raw burgers off the grill..... (my pickup line was "want some brooklyn grapes? )
About an hour later he approached me in the yard, we talked, and another hour in, we were inseparable for the evening. His name is also Aaron (hence the title of the post) and he's a writer for VH1, a very fun guy (I am proud of any white guy who can dance and hold a drink at the same time), also from the Midwest (Indiana...) and I was taken aback when he said that he could fall in love with me because I got sick of trying to politely slice a burger with a plastic fork and at the same time balance the drink on the plate.... and just picked up the whole thing and ate it with grease dripping down my fingers. I think the actual words were "this may be very much too soon, but I think I could be in love with you..." (Mind you, this was a half hour into our conversation at best.)
This was the first of a great many things he said to me both last night and this morning.... when we quickly exited the nice apartment (it is Williamsburg, after all) to go to the bar (at 8:30 am - for him, not me - to watch Arsenal play..... with Spanish commentary - but it was a live broadcast... I found this soccer obsession of his endearing, which just proves to me yet again that I'm weird) and home (me) he said he felt bad because he didn't do what he normally does which is make breakfast (omelets, with tomatoes from HIS GARDEN).
We had the usual awkwardness, and there wasn't a grand gesture, but after all grand gestures have not served me well in the past. This is the first guy I've really liked in a long time (not counting Todd); and by really liked I mean could totally see myself with. He's funny, articulate, kind, ambitious and at the same time, very challenging and I think smarter than me. We had text flirting earlier today; I managed to stay up all day and get shit done (surprisingly) even though now I'm definitely coming down off my all day Aaron high.
I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I think I like him a lot and I hope we see each other more. We work relatively close to each other which is always good since we don't exactly live close; but his place is a lot cooler than mine (he has A/C so I mean this both figuratively and literally).
And it helps that when I googled him, I found that he had interviewed Michelle Branch for her first album for MTV.... and that he loves Nick Hornby as much as I do. And the fact that he knows all about any kind of music, ever, and gets to go to tapings of CROSSROADS... (CMT).
Plus.... anyone who's comfortable playing the guitar naked is okay with me.
I also really like the fact that within about an hour or two of meeting me (when he was in the arm brushing the shoulder physical contact progression) he said that he a) really likes me and b) is really scared that he'll mess it up? I told him that I could be in love with him for that comment.... and he laughed.
And then when he asked me to come back by saying that all he wanted to do was shower (we were dancing and my shirt was SOAKED THROUGH....) and hold me, I was completely smitten. So, okay maybe I'm not down off of my high yet.
& Today: I've been very productive (laundry, working out, etc) and very sweaty. Jackie left for Westchester again to help Dave build our mammoth of a bookcase, and I'm just airing out the apartment, hoping that it will storm and stop being 95 degrees out..... and I'm going to cry watching EXTREME MAKEOVER: Home Edition....
But I won't stop smiling. Fucking VH1! Totally makes up for the receding hairline (which I think is cute....), right?
Thursday, August 11, 2005
What to Listen To While Constructing Said Affidavit of Destruction
I went for my usual morning round (or lunch round, depending) of my favorite blogs, and I saw this on Reid's:
"List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to."
I was really, really hoping to get "tagged" because Reid knows how much of a music freak I am, so when I noticed I had been, I jumped right on. Here are my 10 faves as of late, in no particular order (note playlist name above, for use in Ipods and other assorted devices):
1. What About Love? - Heart
2. Alone - Heart (I like the fact that she's all angsty about loving this guy)
3. Become What You Hated - Midtown
4. Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (this made funnier by one of the editors at work suggesting it in whispers so she doesn't lose her indie cred. But I'm pretty sure editing a book about Morrissey guarantees that pretty much indefinitely).
5. When In Rome - Nickel Creek (new Nickel Creek!)
6. All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket
7. I'm Not Crying for You - Save Ferris
8. Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts (I'm a sucker for this song)
9. Reflections - The Supremes
10. Give It Up - Homegrown (I love pop punk harmony)
If you can, I recommend downloading numbers 1,3, 4, and 5 if you have never heard them. But of course, downloading (or buying!) them all would also be beneficial. Do you think affidavit of destruction will fit on the Ipod as a playlist name?
Since I don't really know 5 people with blogs - at least, who look at mine - I shall tag Athena, Amanda P (I'm curious), Josh & Josh if they look here, Michelle & Erica. (Those of you sans blogs please post comments..... or post a comment linking to the blog of choice.)
"List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to."
I was really, really hoping to get "tagged" because Reid knows how much of a music freak I am, so when I noticed I had been, I jumped right on. Here are my 10 faves as of late, in no particular order (note playlist name above, for use in Ipods and other assorted devices):
1. What About Love? - Heart
2. Alone - Heart (I like the fact that she's all angsty about loving this guy)
3. Become What You Hated - Midtown
4. Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (this made funnier by one of the editors at work suggesting it in whispers so she doesn't lose her indie cred. But I'm pretty sure editing a book about Morrissey guarantees that pretty much indefinitely).
5. When In Rome - Nickel Creek (new Nickel Creek!)
6. All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket
7. I'm Not Crying for You - Save Ferris
8. Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts (I'm a sucker for this song)
9. Reflections - The Supremes
10. Give It Up - Homegrown (I love pop punk harmony)
If you can, I recommend downloading numbers 1,3, 4, and 5 if you have never heard them. But of course, downloading (or buying!) them all would also be beneficial. Do you think affidavit of destruction will fit on the Ipod as a playlist name?
Since I don't really know 5 people with blogs - at least, who look at mine - I shall tag Athena, Amanda P (I'm curious), Josh & Josh if they look here, Michelle & Erica. (Those of you sans blogs please post comments..... or post a comment linking to the blog of choice.)
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