Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The End of Summer

Aahh, the end of summer!
Where did my summer go? It felt like summer three times to me:

#1: at Kevin's house in Bedford, skinny dipping and otherwise being irresponsible in the pool
#2: fourth of july weekend in general, particularly when we left Wash Heights
#3: the Williamsburg summer party that Athena, Aaron & I all attended

Alot and nothing has happenned this summer. I got a lot of mini-promotions at work; starting doing the board meeting minutes, working for two editors instead of one (which I'm STILL dealing with, frankly), and a lot of change happened there in general with the hiring/firing squad of July and August. I got dumped by Todd; theoretically twice but literally once; and I dated a cool guy that I just didn't like (Aaron) and who I think didn't really like me. But that's okay too.

I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, and symbolically I guess I'm doing the same thing I did last year; leaving WI on Labor Day weekend to go to the big city. But this year, I have my own place, I have a job, and I have a life.

I realized I was homesick when I started listening to ALOT of country music. I listen to a lot of it anyway, but this was crazy. Nothing but country up and down the A line on the pod. And as much as I know a lot of my library is dominated by it, I knew something was up. I knew I had to go home.

And so I booked the flight. There are a lot of memoirs about Jews reconciling their "Jewishness" and black people embracing their heritage (otherwise known as the Harlem Renaissance); but nowhere is a memoir about how you reconcile being a city girl, rocking out to Rascal Flatts (the equivalent of a boy band in country music) or Reba on the train. Or maybe there is (if you've read it, please post).

So for now, I plan to go home, listen to ALOT of WDEZ (the country station back home I really like) and camp. With Ryan, one of my dearest friends, by my side - and get to know him again, and let him get to know the wiser, older, can-hold-a-subway-door-open-and-is-strong-enough- to-push-it but still can't start a fire to save her life without lighter fluid Meghan.

And if anyone's got a problem with that, I say, "lemmme at em" (picture Brando with a Brooklyn twinge).

So that's the news from Lake Wobegon, my home town. Until Monday or Tuesday, when I regail you with stories of my daddy and uncle dave and jenna with the hooker boots and ryan with the receding hairline/ponytail and all the mullety action that is Merrill/Irma/Tomahawk, Wisconsin.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Million Dollar Question

My semi-drunk friend Justin on IM says to me:
Justin says:
so your this succsessful new york publisher chick
Meg says:
yeah for the time being
Justin says:
lol
Justin says:
thats cool though
Justin says:
are you happy?
And I decide, despite my whining to the contrary about:
1. My job being far too much work without a raise (come on, I'm doing two people's jobs and getting paid for one! As my little bro would say, that's no fair!)
2. Only having a couple friends in the city (although that IS growing and hopefully will continue to grow)
3. Having to clean up after my roommate who leaves food out and then freaks when we have one cockroach (but who's not that bad 70% of the time)
4. Being broke until financial aid and probably even after that
and
5. What else? Todd.. even though that's lessened in the past few weeks -has anyone even NOTICED my progress?
That I shockingly am pretty darned happy with myself.
And of all the non-promotion promotions, all the boyfriends and VH1 dates and cool Williamsburg apartments, and neato Korean/Jewish friends, hipster parties with burlesque dancers, reminicent discussions of SWEET VALLEY HIGH books, late-night discussions with Jackie about boob stretching (like stretching your ears, only with nipples - look it up in NEW YORK Magazine), early nights staring at Todd/James/Aaron's back.... and the late nights where I stay up way too late reading backlist, or end up puking on the subway, or being stared at on the street, or watching a blind woman navigate the A train and refuse to sit down, while I, a well-bodied 24 year old is because she hates standing for more than 3 stops....
is all part of why I'm happy.
Because frankly, I wouldn't be me without this city, and my boss(es), and Todd (breakups or not), and my friends (both old and new) and my family, and everything else that happens to me every single day. And I thank God/Allah/Jesus/Jehovah/Yahweh every day (or at least every Sunday: EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION is a good check in with the Lord about your blessings) for what I have. And for what is yet to come.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Overwhelming.... Can't You Just Be "Whelmed"?

Great line from TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, and exactly how I feel this morning.

At work on Thursday I got told that my new friend was let go; and that essentially I'd be taking on her responsibilities. SO now I'm working for two editors. YIKES!!!

Jackie's birthday was Friday; she got waaaay too drunk, and I'll fill in later all about THAT experience....

and Saturday I went to Aaron's in Williamburg, he made delicious steak and I decided I wouldn't really want to date him, because I really don't like him all that much. So depressing because he looks so good on paper and because he's a really interesting guy.

More stories to come.....
And I have to take the new new girl out to lunch today. But at least it's free.

Monday, August 15, 2005

I'm Getting Old

Today I did the good deed of emptying all the old mail out of my hotmail accounts.... and discovered that I AM OLD.

I have an email from my ex, Troy, in which he refers to my Halloween party with Brandi in the 451 E. 8th St apartment -- that's dated October 23, 2003!

Mind you, this party seems like yesterday to me. Although it was before I even slept with Adam or found out I was moving to NYC for sure, it's still totally yesterday. I remember locking my cat, Sam, into my bedroom and having to clean the carpet three times to get all the cigarette ash out. And I remember everyone singing MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA when it came on - including the white guys.

What the hell happened? Was I a senior in college for the last time TWO YEARS AGO? My lord, my lord, my lord. But I guess I have advanced. Instead of playing the game with my "overnight buddy" Adam, I'm going out to dinner with the writer from VH1... who I adore and talked to about a pita today. Yeah, a pita.

But it was cute. And I love the fact that I all I have to complain about is a) a lack of work and b) that I can't fit in my workouts due to my busy social schedule. Living in the greatest city in the world helps, too.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

The Weekend of Aarons (& Assorted Coworkers)

Friday: Went out with Kate from work (totally cool new hire in sales) to Sea Thai (saw friend who was waitressing from school - the Thai girl I can never understand! and this was no exception!!!, got huge discount and free dumplings), Then we went to Bowery Bar to catch up with Kate's friend, and then went to a private party at a new bar on 27th, hung out with a bunch of Murray Hill Jewish guys (including one of my authors, named Aaron..... who was very fun to meet and chill with...... but to my dismay, no one interesting otherwise to talk to - although Michelle & I went to Shade and got SHITFACED on wine..... thus resulting in (for me) puking when I woke up on the train at 168th St... and hangovers (for her and me.... ). Now I remember why I hate the East Side.....

SaturDAY: took myself out. Went to brunch (Jackie woke up foreboding the heat wave saying that there were warnings on TV and that I would end up with heatstroke if I spent the entire day hungover in the apartment) by myself and read a great new book, LOVE IS THE ONLY DRUG, which made me feel better about myself, a la Elizabeth Wurtzel (that I'm not SO crazy...). I also went to go see HUSTLE & FLOW, which was superb.... I love Taryn Manning!!!! Then I came home and ended up showering and leaving for......

Saturday Night: Went to absolutely fantastic party with Athena (editorial new hire that I ADORE.....) in Williamsburg, compete with ducks (duck and cover), fountain, gazebo, hot bartender, free all-you-can-eat-and-drink whatever, miscellaneous people, dancing, what I'm pretty sure was a professional male "exotic dancer" and a TRUE burlesque dancer (www.missrubyvalentine.com) who bears a resemblance (from a distance) to my friend Erica - except Erica's skinnier... or was last time I saw her.

So I had grapes from these people who had gone somewhere deep in Bklyn for an off-the-vine grape picking experience - which was totally weird, but the grapes were absolutely delicious and I handed this guy grapes to eat as well while we were waiting for half-raw burgers off the grill..... (my pickup line was "want some brooklyn grapes? )

About an hour later he approached me in the yard, we talked, and another hour in, we were inseparable for the evening. His name is also Aaron (hence the title of the post) and he's a writer for VH1, a very fun guy (I am proud of any white guy who can dance and hold a drink at the same time), also from the Midwest (Indiana...) and I was taken aback when he said that he could fall in love with me because I got sick of trying to politely slice a burger with a plastic fork and at the same time balance the drink on the plate.... and just picked up the whole thing and ate it with grease dripping down my fingers. I think the actual words were "this may be very much too soon, but I think I could be in love with you..." (Mind you, this was a half hour into our conversation at best.)

This was the first of a great many things he said to me both last night and this morning.... when we quickly exited the nice apartment (it is Williamsburg, after all) to go to the bar (at 8:30 am - for him, not me - to watch Arsenal play..... with Spanish commentary - but it was a live broadcast... I found this soccer obsession of his endearing, which just proves to me yet again that I'm weird) and home (me) he said he felt bad because he didn't do what he normally does which is make breakfast (omelets, with tomatoes from HIS GARDEN).

We had the usual awkwardness, and there wasn't a grand gesture, but after all grand gestures have not served me well in the past. This is the first guy I've really liked in a long time (not counting Todd); and by really liked I mean could totally see myself with. He's funny, articulate, kind, ambitious and at the same time, very challenging and I think smarter than me. We had text flirting earlier today; I managed to stay up all day and get shit done (surprisingly) even though now I'm definitely coming down off my all day Aaron high.

I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I think I like him a lot and I hope we see each other more. We work relatively close to each other which is always good since we don't exactly live close; but his place is a lot cooler than mine (he has A/C so I mean this both figuratively and literally).

And it helps that when I googled him, I found that he had interviewed Michelle Branch for her first album for MTV.... and that he loves Nick Hornby as much as I do. And the fact that he knows all about any kind of music, ever, and gets to go to tapings of CROSSROADS... (CMT).

Plus.... anyone who's comfortable playing the guitar naked is okay with me.

I also really like the fact that within about an hour or two of meeting me (when he was in the arm brushing the shoulder physical contact progression) he said that he a) really likes me and b) is really scared that he'll mess it up? I told him that I could be in love with him for that comment.... and he laughed.

And then when he asked me to come back by saying that all he wanted to do was shower (we were dancing and my shirt was SOAKED THROUGH....) and hold me, I was completely smitten. So, okay maybe I'm not down off of my high yet.

& Today: I've been very productive (laundry, working out, etc) and very sweaty. Jackie left for Westchester again to help Dave build our mammoth of a bookcase, and I'm just airing out the apartment, hoping that it will storm and stop being 95 degrees out..... and I'm going to cry watching EXTREME MAKEOVER: Home Edition....

But I won't stop smiling. Fucking VH1! Totally makes up for the receding hairline (which I think is cute....), right?

Thursday, August 11, 2005

What to Listen To While Constructing Said Affidavit of Destruction

I went for my usual morning round (or lunch round, depending) of my favorite blogs, and I saw this on Reid's:

"List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to."

I was really, really hoping to get "tagged" because Reid knows how much of a music freak I am, so when I noticed I had been, I jumped right on. Here are my 10 faves as of late, in no particular order (note playlist name above, for use in Ipods and other assorted devices):

1. What About Love? - Heart
2. Alone - Heart (I like the fact that she's all angsty about loving this guy)
3. Become What You Hated - Midtown
4. Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (this made funnier by one of the editors at work suggesting it in whispers so she doesn't lose her indie cred. But I'm pretty sure editing a book about Morrissey guarantees that pretty much indefinitely).
5. When In Rome - Nickel Creek (new Nickel Creek!)
6. All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket
7. I'm Not Crying for You - Save Ferris
8. Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts (I'm a sucker for this song)
9. Reflections - The Supremes
10. Give It Up - Homegrown (I love pop punk harmony)

If you can, I recommend downloading numbers 1,3, 4, and 5 if you have never heard them. But of course, downloading (or buying!) them all would also be beneficial. Do you think affidavit of destruction will fit on the Ipod as a playlist name?

Since I don't really know 5 people with blogs - at least, who look at mine - I shall tag Athena, Amanda P (I'm curious), Josh & Josh if they look here, Michelle & Erica. (Those of you sans blogs please post comments..... or post a comment linking to the blog of choice.)

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Affidavit of Destruction

In the book business, there is what is called an "affidavit of destruction". If we send out books with the wrong cover and the customer doesn't want to return them for whatever reason, they have to fill out this little piece of paper that legally binds them to their destruction of those books.
I should really back up; after my love stricken morning Tuesday, Todd & I once again opened the discussion of dating. As of this morning, that has been closed. And we both think it best that we close that door forever, and only communicate via email and phone until I can be around him and not get that feeling in my stomach where I think I'm going to die and at the same time feel like I should change my panties.
After my ubiquitious posts yesterday, I now have to hang my head and sign my own version of an affidavit of destruction that will hopefully bind me more than my blogs have in the past to one purpose: letting go of Todd and fully destroying the hope within my heart that this whole debacle will ever return to the simple boy-meets-girl-and-loves-her this relationship used to be so many months ago.
Jackie counseled me; as did Lori and Athena, and surprisingly the authors of HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (who now have a handy pocket guide which I intend to use as a reminder to keep myself "clean" of this addiction to the Toddy Todd).

And now, the steps of my affidavit of destruction:
  • Delete him from the cell phone and throw away little post-its with his contact information, so that the only contact information should be in my old school paper address book.
  • Allow myself to be upset when I want to be, but not to dwell or harbor feelings of abandonment, grandeur, or anything remotely resembling foresight.
  • Try once a day to remind myself that he has a fat neck
  • Don't dwell on the past and look to the future.
  • Remember that if you put all the men I've ever said I love you to in one room, I probably would want to shut the door, throw away the key and run fast to the bar.
  • People can fall out of love. And I will.

After all, it's only three weeks until I can be with Ryan, who loves, adores, and criticizes me to no end when I get home.... where I may or may not feel the need to defend my own stupidity in this matter. And tonight I will toast to my broken heart with Michelle and Jackie - and then go home and discover that Todd's not in my phone.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

on second thought............

Love sucks.
(I promise, there'll be more to this story later. This color's really pretty, though.
Note to self: use color again when happy.)

Love, Actually

It's 8:26 am, and I've been up for almost two hours. I woke up in the Bronx this morning with Todd. We went out for coffee last night at Greydog's after work and ended up spending the night together - something that doesn't ultimately surprise me, but I can honestly say that I've only felt like this for one person before (Kevin) and never this much.

I'm in love with him, still, and I love him very much. And the funny thing is that he loves me too. He's totally not ready for this and that's why we're not together. Sometimes, that breaks my heart as much as it did when we broke up, and sometimes I'm fine. And sometimes, like Sunday night, I miss him so much that I can't even explain it.

I miss my family, of course, and my friends - but this is more of an immediate pain rather than that dull one. I told him this morning that he's my heroin - I can only go so long without a hit. (I'm pretty sure that's a movie line..... only I think they used smoking). Either way, I know my friends would advise against all this, but I DON'T CARE.

I may be opening my heart to more pain and I'm certain that's a very likely situation, but to be utterly realistic, right now I can't be with anyone else. And that scares the shit out of me, but it's a comforting scare, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

My best friend stayed with her boyfriend when he cheated on her, and when he got scared. And she was one of my biggest supporters when Todd broke up with me, and kept me going, and told me it was okay to be upset for a long period of time. She validated my existence, and I'm hoping she'll understand this too. Jackie certainly won't and will be critical, which is fine because I would be too from the outside looking in.

But they have no idea how I feel when he holds me, and how much it feels like home to me. That's the best way to describe it. It's like nothing else matters. I thought I'd never say this about any guy, but I'm desperate for him. As Brian Wilson says in "God Only Knows":

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
Mind you, I don't really believe the "what good would living do me" but I'm the best when I'm with him and I'm the best version of me possible with him. I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm more creative and I'm always, always drawn to him. I can't walk away.
And even though he can't be what I want him to be for me - at least right now - he can't walk away either. Which, frankly, is what I wanted all along.
In an interesting turn of events, now his roommate, Eamon, likes me. So even though my only ally in that department, their former roomie Pam, has left, I can't help but laugh at the irony of that this former maneater is in love. And can't walk away. No matter how big of an ass the guy she's in love with is.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

A History Lesson, People

It's time for a Meg history lesson. I don't know exactly what brought the need to write about who I am for the blog, but I think it was a combination of collecting all my CDs - which my dad brought me when he came in June (totalling about 400 or so) for the Ipod and discovering the songs I loved when I was a kid - in addition to talking to my mom about my 6th grade teacher (this will come into play later I promise) and what Reid said about me talking about guys all the time, as if that's the only thing that matters.

I've always been fairly solitary, and books have always been my savior. When I was little, I was ostracized from school and the friends I did have ignored me at school because they didn't want to be seen with me.

I remember making up stories in the corner of the playground next to the building's chimney (which is now demolished, sadly, because I'd like to sit in that corner now). In high school, I jumped cliques not because I wanted to, but because I'd get pushed out of them. I always thought the next step would be my savior: high school, then college, then abroad... but after all of that pain, I decided finally that I'm an outsider.

As my mom said this month (and I completely think this is the best way to describe it): FROM KINDERGARTEN TO THE GRAVE.

Last week, I wrote my sixth-grade teacher, Mrs. Ollmann, and thanked her for telling me it was okay to be who I was and encouraging me. I told her that I always remembered a sign she had - one of those dippy signs that said something along the lines of "You make your own destiny." And I thanked her for putting up that sign and encouraging my writing and realizing that I was a social outcast for no reason other than my classmate's cruelty.

Speaking of that cruelty, the Jackster & I were watching the 1am replay of Oprah, and this woman (also named Jackie) who had been really really deformed by a drunk driver forgave the driver's mother for doing that too her. Jackie said that she wasn't sure if she was capable of forgiving someone like that.

There was a girl in elementary school, Chyannye (sp?) who THREW ROCKS at me on my walk home when we were in third or fourth grades... (I kept walking with my back straight and my head down - I don't remember it, but my mom saw part of it since we lived across the street from a block-wide park at that time)... and this girl also made the whole school think I was a lesbian my junior year of high school.... because I was protecting my friend that was a lesbian (she asked me out - I told her nicely no, and then confided to a friend who totally wasn't a friend, etc...)... and essentially made my life even worse.

This girl shows up at MY HOUSE my freshman year of college to go hunting with my FAMILY because she's dating my cousin. I'm in the bath when she gets there and know exactly who she is and what she's doing there. My mom is being really nice and she asks how I am, etc. I come out, say I'm doing just fine, have a cup of coffee with the girl, and she has the nerve in front of my mother to joke about teasing me in high school and how she never really meant it. A more serious apology later (when my mom was in the other room ,cleverly eavesdropping) and I forgave her. Even waved her "Are you sure?" off.

I told this story for the first time when I was playing Margot in THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK, to my fellow cast members when we were bonding, and answering the question "Have you personally ever been persecuted?" All of them cried but me, and I'll remember the stricken look on my friend Andy's face for the rest of my life (he lived in the next town - we didn't meet until college).

But how this all ties together. I was thinking about what Reid said (and jackie had said something about this to me too a few weeks back) about how I depend on guys for my self-worth. And while that's not entirely true, I was always boy crazy and had a fantasy of finding Mr. Right just like the other girls. I never wanted to get married, but I always imagined myself (and still imagine myself) living with people for durations of time and then breaking up and moving on.

So I guess I'm looking for another Todd right now. For a little while, it seemed my puzzle was complete - in Todd, I found a friend and a lover, someone different enough to keep me interested and challenged but also someone who seemed relatively in tune with me. Essentially, someone to share my life with. But what I realize now is that Todd was never really in tune with me. The real me anyway - which my friends are to various degrees.

But what's funny (and Reid & Jack's observations) is that I'm slowly discovering I don't need that. I can be happy alone. Although I love guys - and part of me DOES find a night that I don't get a number a vast disappointment - they've been real assholes lately.

And I feel like I can wait around for someone who will treat me well rather than:

  • Stand me up (which happened today!!!!! And although I'm as insulted as anyone would be, I'm also kind of happy to avoid first-date jitters, especially since he was somebody I met online - Reid, this is Thomas, the MFA student from Columbia).
  • Take my number at a bar and never call (editor from Miramax)
  • Go out for drinks, kiss and never call/email again (Rich, the Jimmy Neutron-look alike PR guy)
  • Go out on two or three dates, call me all the time, email at work and then drop off the face of the planet (David, the one-testicle carrying Puerto Rican)
  • Tell me you love me and want to marry me and then dump me on my bday(Todd...... even though I love him, that was a horrible thing to do) whose new thing is to call me when he's drunk to talk about how miserable he is (without mentioning this is because he dumped me - which is my secret hunch) and then texting me the next day to make sure he wasn't an asshole.

So I hope that this gave new insight to why I'm dependent on guys. Lack of social structure/support = dependency on sex to gain acceptance & apprecation. I'm a classic textbook case, if I do say myself.

I was so much better at being a manipulative maneating slut

(meg in the high school and early college years, may she rest in peace)




Friday, August 05, 2005

Yay the Internet's Back

I have the internet again - so now I can download approximately 300 CDs my dad got me, attempt to fix my ipod, and buy far too much shit online.

And these are my plans for Friday night!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

It's I Did Everything (or Almost Everything) right today...

Sorry for the lack of blogs - but NADA has been going on. Todd & I are talking sporadically.... mostly very friend-like. Jackie and I redid our living room and I am now BROKE FOREVER.... or so it seems - but that went off without a hitch. And then.....

I'm doing well at work. My boss complimented me three times today. I don't know what's gotten into her. But I credit it to the fact that Michelle, my Wonder Friend - you know the type - was in Bklyn last weekend and got me Cranberry's coffee. Is there any wonder my job performance has improved?

Now if only I could also improve my love life, which right now only exists in my head. David has disappeared (I haven't heard from him in nearly a month), Thomas doesn't feel like emailing I guess, and Rich? Well who knows what Rich's problem was.


And drunk Todd said annoyingly that he doesn't want to sleep with me anymore, so HA! I won't. Nah nah to him. I don't get that guy. Don't get him at all. Don't get any of them right now................................

Oh, but the revolution IS upon us. I finally weigh what my DRIVER'S LICENSE says (Although I still say I'm an inch taller). Mind you, I was even being optimistic at 16, so I have to say that I'm pretty proud of my 145 pound self.