Friday, December 30, 2005

What Sarah Said

I have a confession to make. I truly hate indie rock, particularly "new, cool" bands.... I detest the White Stripes because of how they came about. I usually join the bandwagon late, once the fad has passed and I actually listen to the music. This is true for Tegan & Sara (although their new album IS fantastic), the Killers, and most recently Death Cab For Cutie (although I always liked them because they have such a fantastic name).

For Christmas, my brother burned me a collection of his favorite CDs - my idea, but Shea went beyond expectation and burned me 5 CDs.... and I like every one of them so far... but the song "What Sarah Said" stopped me in my tracks on the A train on Thursday morning.

I was just listening and appreciating, until when at the end the music fades and the lyric is "Love is watching someone die." And for me, that immediately brought up memories of watching my grandmother fade into her Alzheimers, but the more I listen to it the more I get out of it.

I only saw one friend while I was at home (Heather) my other three (Ryan, Pete, and Jenn) were all too busy or we just weren't there at the same time. And while my first trip to Winona since I moved to NYC was certainly gratifying, I felt weird there like I was looking into my past (ironically a similar but different feeling that I had when I was hanging out and getting to know Pete).

I feel that I'm watching parts of myself die: the girl that belonged in the group with Poof and Kevin who don't speak to me anymore, much less see; the crazy wild girl in college who couldn't control what she said or did (although there are definitely still the good elements of that Meg left including my dedication to doing anything (or anyone) once, and a keen sense of how to track down anyone armed only with time and Google).

Tonight, Todd was supposed to come over after work (like 6, 7pm) and we were going to lock ourselves in the apartment to brave New Years together and have a summit of sorts on if we want to be with each other or not. He got held up at work and is now just at 96th street; he probably won't even show up until midnight, and if I know Todd he'll immediately pass out. I was initially really pissed (especially when I didn't know what he was doing and had thoughts that he was going to blow me off) but now I am just starting to think that the girl that was so gaga over him may be dying as well.

I know I've said it a million times before, that I was on the track to getting over him. But two things I've realized in the last week (especially with everyone telling me how foolish I'm being by having the summit at all) is that I need to say goodbye TO HIM in order to get over him (it's definitely an ego thing) and in a moment during our Chrismakkah celebration with Jackie, that I didn't remember why I loved him so much. While I know I still love him, I feel that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore.

I have to save myself. I'm not the girl that waits and nor should I. I love Todd; but I'm not watching myself die because of it. Hopefully this burst of self appreciation and motivation lasts longer than the last one.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I Have A Great Weekend Planned..... but TRANSIT STRIKE THREATENS

So Reid's coming Friday........................ but there's an impending transit strike.

Ain't nothing like the subways and the buses not running that brings out holiday cheer.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Without You............

I'm reading THE MERCY OF THIN AIR for my book club, which is an excellent book. It's all about this woman who died in the 1920s (1927 to be exact I think) and she's been halfheartedly searching for a lost love because she is scared of what it brings.

And every time I read it (particularly with a drink or two in me) I think about the song from RENT, "Without You"...... and of course I think about Todd, but I also think about that person I haven't found yet that will be everything Todd is to me and more.

I think about my grandparents. How my grandpa was devastated by my grandma being diagnosed with Alzheimers and how he died before her, but without her being able to recognize him. And even though she was essentially gone and had forgotten how to walk, how to eat, one day she sat up and said, "I'm coming home, Jack." And how my mother would be lost without my dad, and even worse vice versa...... and I think about how powerful it would be to have the same emotions at the same time.

When Todd was over on Sunday, I called him out, I said, "You have the time, you just don't want to make it." And even though I could see the hurt in his eyes, the regret, I wasn't holding anything against him. He can't help how he feels about me, and maybe one day he'll realize that he could have made the time, and I'll be gone. Or maybe I'll be there, I don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore, at least not the way I used to be.

But then I think about how I felt at brunch, where I was so close to where I wanted to be with him, but yet so far away. I think I'm finally doing something right. I'm holding him close while exploring other options. Maybe Patrick will be someone, probably not. But I want to find that person...... the mom to my dad, the grandpa to my grandma. I still believe there's many people that can fill that spot for any individual and maybe for me, Todd is one of them. But he doesn' t want me to fill that spot for him, and I respect that.

After all, I haven't become so desperate that I echo the sentiment from rent:

"Without you, life goes on, but I'm gone.... without you"

Because I'm certainly here.

A Busy, Busy Meg

This week, I've been lucky to get out of work by seven pm. Spending ten hours at work, while not my idea of fun per se, has been a little taxing. My new schedule consists of coming home to eat, working out and then working again (reading submissions). But it's review time, and I have to put the work in if I expect to get compensated! So that explains the lack of blogging.

Also.... my weekend contributed to it. It all started with my mom, who sent me an email about my ninth grade crush being in an Irish rock band that *happened* to be playing a gig in NYC. In Midtown, about 3 blocks away from school. So of course, I drug Michelle for her bday and the rest of the crew (Kay, Mary Alice, and Autumne eventually showed up) and *pretended* to just "run into him". I wish now that I had talked to him in high school. We have the same interests - I have his "dream job" and we hung out not only at his gig (his band, the Kissers, is critically acclaimed - two reviews by the Wash Post) but also on Saturday where he got to meet and witness Jackie and her friends celebrating a bday on the LES. I got a couple numbers out of the deal as well (I was smokin hot - or at least referred to as "very cute" by Pete's band and "the hot girl" by Patrick's band, another band that was playing whose songs were sung and written by a guy I now have a date with on Saturday - and who actually called yesterday to ASK ME OUT. Shocking. Mind you, he did wait until Tuesday to call but that's cool.

Also on Sunday Todd and I had a marathon three hour session in my bedroom and I bought a ton of Christmas presents online as well. I'd say I did pretty well for myself..... tomorrow is the great holiday party at work which should be fun and then it's the weekend again........................... Where is all my time going?

Oh, and for the blog fans: Kiddo is coming out on the 16th. I'm psyched and busy doing research with my friends on which gay bar to take him to. I think it's time for me to witness the debauchery at Lucky Cheng's for the first time! But now it's time to go to work (bleh!).......