Sunday, February 26, 2006

I Know How He Feels

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight and knew exactly how George felt; and as usual, I got more therapy than any psychologist could give me in an hour.

As I get older, I realize more and more that love, mutual and "true" love, is harder to come by than I previously thought. In my life so far, the deck has been stacked in my favor (I've broken more hearts than had them) but what I realize is that there are slow burns.

The obvious burn is Todd, but that's easier. Another one is realizing that I had guys who loved me for me (Kevin and Troy come to mind) that I never appreciated while I had them, even if they WEREN'T right for me. The fact that they stood by me afterwards is remarkable. Maybe someday I'll have that strength again with T.

But the slow burn is my friend Poof. I realized in college that I loved him as more than a friend and wanted to take it to the next level. We never had any sexual chemistry but one night we kissed, in his car, driving around (we do that alot in Wisconsin, where I'm from) and it was there, all of it. I don't know how to explain it, but I remember that juxtaposed by him asking me to take him back in high school in a blackberry patch. He never forgave me for my rash decision to be friends then, and about two years ago he stopped talking to me. Just withdrew completely. I haven't heard from him since and he was a complete asshole last time I was home. He came over and then just ranted and raved and made me so angry... but I didn't stand up for myself as I should have. I could track him down, but I'm trying not to. All I want to know is WHY but I think I know the answer. I am going a different path and he can't give me the time of day to save himself from feeling something uncomfortable.

Tonight on the show a woman left her fiancee in the hospital because he was having a surgery that could kill him (he, of course, didn't die). I would stand at the bedside of most of my close friends anyday, everyday. For a couple, I would step in front of a train for them.

But what I can never understand is why Poof just withdrew. The last recognizable sign of caring is when he gasped and looked up when I said Todd dumped me on my bday. On the show one of the characters said that the fiancee didn't deserve the woman if she couldn't love him the way he loves her. I think that's right; but does Poof not deserve me, or vice versa?

I am, of course, being melodramatic. I was thinking of him, and wanting to reach out to something. I think it was because even though he would joke about my faults, he was never cruel. As much as I love some of my friends, they don't know how to tell me things without being cruel (or at least seem cruel to me). It's fucking hurtful but I know (or hope) they're not doing it on purpose.

I went out with B on Friday and it was great fun. He stayed over of course but I sensed a lukewarm reception, so we shall see what happens there. I bugged him last night because I was drunk and upset that my party didn't go off the way I wanted it to, and I might have cost myself a good friend just like I did with the last couple guys I've met. What is wrong with me? After this, the hiatus is on for real.

I know what you're thinking (Yeah, right). And you're probably right-my track record sucks.

But, as George says, karma's a bitch.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

On Hiatus... yeah, right.

As it always is, if I say ANYTHING about dating or love that's even remotely close to absolute, I break my own rules.

Last night, despite the bitter cold, I decided to go to Athena's party in Williamsburg. Not even a plastic cup into my wine, two guys and a girl walk in. I instantly am attracted to this guy in a gray sweater with a button down. He smiles at me and takes the first opportunity to talk to me.

Now, I was on hiatus. I was trying to avoid going home with random guys, dating in general. But B was nice and we really hit it off. His friends were really cool when he asked me to go home with him to Boerum Hill (Williamsburg and Boerum Hill are both neighborhoods in Bklyn) I agreed. Mostly because he was a good kisser and the party had gotten a little hipster for me, as most of Athena's gatherings are in the first place. But also because it felt right.

I of course consulted Jackie first (calling her on the cell from the bathroom) and then I spent the night with him kissing and talking and once he calmed down and stopped calling me hot every five seconds we got along well. And I didn't mention an ex once except in passing.

So today we went to brunch with his friends (I looked like the Walk of Shame, but whatever). He walked me to the subway and got my number there.

When I got home, I was smiling. And not because he's a Yale graduate or a cello player both of which impress me, or that he writes for a major magazine, substantiated by a quick Google search; but because even if B never calls me ever again, I know I can get my groove back if I choose to.

Without having sex. And hearing I'm adorable, hot, and funny helps too. Of course, I'm afraid. But I'm brave, too.

2 things that I love about NYC: you can find the most amazing people at random times and discover you're equally as amazing; and you can do the walk of shame past Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams' apartment.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

a New York weekend

I'm ALL about this nice long weekend. Adding that extra day makes it feel even more like a vacation, even though I'm reading submissions in bed.

I have a huge box of reading material, two new Netflix movies, and I saw a great play last night (DOG SEES GOD, I highly reccomend it if for nothing else than Peppermint Patty). Today I'm waiting for my roommate to wake up (she's making motza and spinach omelettes) and then I'll go down to the park in the biting cold and walk forever then come back up and go drink beer with Amanda in Williamsburg.

Will it all happen like that? Maybe not. But I'm content to hope so, drinking my coffee and reading something I'll have to reject on Tuesday.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Eleven Years Ago Today....

My lurid dating career started when a white trash boy who would later go on to jail gave me a dozen roses and chocolates - and I agreed to go out with him even though I knew nothing about him. All my friends dated him too, after me, and this began a cycle that only ended when we stopped being friends.

I don't remember a Valentine's Day when I was actually with someone. Maybe Troy in college, but that's it. And we always held Sweetest's Day in October, another made up holiday in higher regard since that was always a happy time for us and less pressure.

This year is no different - I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and held off blogging about him, but alas he dumped me on Sunday which is fine because I probably would have dumped him anyway. This fact didn't stop me from being depressed and in a bad mood most of yesterday morning - until I went to lunch with a couple assistants from other houses and managed to step in a giant puddle.

Then getting dumped by a 33 year old seemed funny.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Trading..... Up?

Poof was my best guy friend through college. He gave me lots of (appropriate) shit for the bullshit I said and did, and I gave him that in return. Looking back, he really loved me.

We haven't spoken-really-in about 2 years. Why? I always wondered. My high school group only fell apart in the last 2 years or so but stuck together for 4 years before that... so why now?

I've lost other friends, but Poof is the most prolific and I miss him the most, probably everyday if I want to be honest about it. But, like my situation with Todd, I stopped beating my head against the wall, and decided that if he didn't want to be friends with me that was fine.

It occured to me yesterday while I was walking the loop in the park that I traded my dream of living in New York for some of my friendships. I don't regret it, because I wouldn't want to think of what kind of friend or person I'd be if I hadn't left the Midwest.

But to those I've left behind, I'm sorry that you feel deserted or that I'm above you. Because I'm as miserable/happy here as there but I just couldn't stay. And I miss you, Poof.