Remember Recess??

When Dave Letterman mentions the WEATHER in NYC during his monologue, you know its gotta be good.

Today - sixties, sunny, brilliant New York morning. I woke up with a hangover. And that awful feeling in your throat when you take a pill dry (not a good idea). And then my bag broke when I left work - stupid Kenneth Cole. And I waited around for an apartment interview at a restaurant whose wait staff was pissed at me.. but I don't care because.......

There's more people who created Ipod playlists out of their breakups!!!!!! My favorite editor at work other than my boss showed me hers after I told her that I cut and pasted my 12 steps into a work email - since we were talking about breakups. It was very fun - hers was a lot more rude than mine. "you fucked yourself". Utterly, utterly fab. I knew we were soulmates!! (just kidding)

Between that and wandering Chelsea looking for bags (and discovering Daffy's, a store I intend to fully be a regular customer in) with a broken, heavy bag under my arm looking like an idiot, today has been fabulous.

Minus the cramps. I'll pass on those!

In other news:
Reid posted that I don't need a guy to be happy. I agree. But in a weird twist of fate, my English man is coming on Sunday!!! I'm excited to see him again - its always fun and I don't have to spend ANY money since he's on expense account. I could sleep with him, but I'll probably pass. I'm satiated with that for the time being. I need a break, sort of. (weird, I know.) And I have plans with D this weekend too - its going to be very busy. I have apt viewings every day too - one of these days I've gotta bag one. I'm cool - I just have to meet the right person who agrees with me.

Day One

So I talked to Mr. Todd last night - he completely understood and thought it was the right thing for me to do. Which I agree. And then he made mention that my plan sounded like a twelve step program... which it sort of is.

My Twelve Steps:

1. Tell Todd & the world to fuck off

2. Create a "Getting Over Todd" playlist on my Ipod

3. Cry. Alot.

4. Decide that no boy is worth crying over when they're not crying about you.

5. Put lots and lots of energy into anything that does not involve men.

6. Forgive myself for being "a girl"

7. Look really, really hot whenever I see Todd

8. Listen to "Someday" by Mariah Carey

9. Watch Reality TV - at least I'm not THAT messed up

10. Take comfort in blankets, pillows, and beer

11. Wash that man out of my life (and sheets)

12. Make SURE he buys ME a really great bday present in retribution.

(and gets me drunk at the Mets game!)

The thirteenth step is to stop whining on my blog... unofficially. But who knows when that is going to happen.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw.... "Sometimes It's Not the Journey - It's the Destination

For the last year and a half (roughly) I've been making excuses for my behavior with Adam and with Todd. I can't do it anymore.

I'm taking my vagina (and my heart) back.

I'm done. & I'm saying it on the record here on the blog, to all my friends to point out when I backslide.

Let me backtrack for a little bit. Last night, I showed up in the Bronx after an hour train ride in a corset, see-through underwear (matching) and thigh high stockings with high heel Mary Janes. And let Mr. Todd do what he wished. Am I not the best pseudogirlfriend ever?

We did that and then went to eat at a BBQ suspiciously close to the Cotton Club, watched a SEMI take off its roof (cut a corner too close to the pillars of the above ground 125th St), and went to the Upper West Side and drank. We had a talk in the subway station (the common place where we have these talks) and he said to me, "I need to date other people." Essentially, the "sow the wild oats" type thing.

Which made me upset.... I blew it off this morning and on the train ride home, but tonight I talked to Ryan and got a much needed reality check. He said that when he was stuck in a dead-end thing like this, I told him it was BULLSHIT to stay.

So I'm not staying. I'm taking my vagina back. I'm not waiting for him to be ready for me, and I'm not settling or being with him anymore. I'd rather have no sex than sex with someone who wants to take and take but not give back.

Welcome back to being alone, something I've been so scared of. And waiting for someone to make my destiny. I'm done.

Now I just have to tell HIM that.

Amanda is in the same situation with her man - I'm not certain she's going to give it up, but I am. I'm taking a "Man in the Mirror" approach - I'm going to make a change for once in my life.. and I'm starting with me!

Moreover, after talking with Amanda & Ryan and deciding I'm going to take myself back, I watched Sex & The City on HBO even though I've seen all of the episodes, and Carrie had sex with Mr. Big even after he hurt her so much (Big didn't want to have sex with her because he was afraid to hurt her, something Todd's said to me) - and then she left and said, "Sometimes its not about the journey, its about the destination."

My journey is filled with taking Adam's shoes off and listening to Todd say over and over again that he wasn't ready and that he wants to date around a bit before he settles - which, aren't I the first person he's dating? - but my destination is taking myself back off the emotional rollercoaster that has been my relationship with Todd (and Adam, for that matter).

I'm going to get over it. And it may hurt me, but it won't break my heart. I'm cutting it (and him) off before he can do it himself. Again. I'm listening.

And not being the crazy girl. I'm being the girl I want to be, the girl that doesn't put up with shit.

Thanks Reid - You're the Meaning In My Life, You're the Inspiration! (And Stacy, who looks remarkably familiar)

I saw this on Reid's blog, who stole it from Stacy's blog, who stole it from - well you get the picture.

I AM: a little self-concious of my Wisconsin background. How come Amanda doesn't get flack for being from Ohio?
I KNOW: a surprisingly amount of information that I'll never, ever use
I WISH: I could meet someone exactly like the character of Seth Cohen on the OC
I HAVE: A great 80s vinyl collection and a fabulous Ipod selection (not meant to rhyme)
I HATE: hipsters and hippies.. esp dirty hippies. Gross. (also see I HEAR)
I FEAR: being pushed into a body of water or being held underwater
I HEAR: that Eamon is not going home this weekend, THUS RUINING MY PLANS.
I MISS: my family and how crazy my exes were about me (including Todd)
I WONDER: if sometimes I am a little too girly crazy about Todd (Gotta get off the Todd subject!)
I LOVE: Going to Central Park on Saturday and walking forever
I ACHE: When I see children being made fun of. (once that happened in the park and I started crying for the little girl - she reminded me so much of myself at that age)
I CARE: waay too much about friends that I should downgrade, dump, or replace
I ALWAYS: Get a cup of coffee from Cranberry's at approximately 8:50 EST Monday-Friday
I AM NOT: a Christian
I DANCE: whenever I want to, or in my head on the subway
I SING: during American Idol and in the hallway or the elevator of the George
I DO NOT ALWAYS: brush my teeth in the morning - you forget once in a while
I SHOULD NOT: get depressed when no one's available to hang out with me
I WRITE: in different styles but it always looks like my mom's (which is weird because she's left handed and I'm a rightie)
I WIN: at rummy because no one here knows how to play it
I LOSE: sunglasses and cigarettes (unless its lit already, I'm not picking it off the sidewalk! this makes no sense, I know.)
I CONFUSE:the tenth and twelve floor at work (tenth - production, twelve- art)
I LISTEN: to cheesy music on my Ipod. Alot. I downloaded Heart last night.
I GO: on the C because its comfortable and empty in the mornings
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: living in the city, my job, and being grateful every day for dreams lost and accomplished.

I feel like Calista Flockhart on a fat day

I was going to blog this yesterday, but I was actually busy at work. Today, its good friday, and no one's around. So we're all poking at our work, hoping it will get done by itself.

About two weeks ago when Alison was here, we went shopping at Macy's. I finally got the perfume I've been wanting forever (which I'm not ashamed to admit is CURIOUS by Britney Spears) and tried on everything in sight - and everything fit me. Even a medium sized blazer from RAMPAGE, who everyone knows runs tiny and a 29 size skirt from GUESS which only fits me because its stretchy, but its still at 29!

I decided to rock out my clothing yesterday. Booty business pants from Express (my new favorites - black and grey with purple & blue pinstripes - sounds weird but looks FAB!) with a purple XS Express tank top (I bought it when I was on ephedrine, but I don't squish out of it anymore) and my new RAMPAGE blazer. It looked almost like a suit, but an Ally McBeal look at me I have a waist suit.

AND I straightened my hair like I was going to a bar.. and I felt like Ally McBeal. Only I'm Ally's assistant. And I'm much, much bigger (Taller and just bigger) than Calista - who I always adored. Not for her size, but her sheer comedy. Why isn't Ally on Nick at Nite?

All of this thanks to an author and a book that pissed me off so much I decided to try it and see if it worked. And now I'm *NATURALLY* thinner, happier, and generally healthier. Nothing's going to stop me now.... (cue Mannequin music)

Except the end of spring break. I swoon, I pity, I mourn. I love just working and not having to sit in class three nights a week. But it's all coming to an end.

This week I wasn't really looking forward to Friday, but to Saturday. For Mr. Todd's birthday I got him two surprises. First, a pair of mets tickets- really, a present for me and for him - for a game at Shea in April. The second is TBD - I've told almost everyone BUT him what it is. He's working late tonight as usual, and then tomorrow after I do my workout in Central Park I'm going home to change and shower and heading back up to the Bronx for the evening and brunch. He's going to love it and I'm going to enjoy the ride up there. Look for full details Sunday night.

In other news - the apartment search is ON! I am still looking, and I have another appointment soon. YAY. Brooklyn shares!

And more. My boss and I had an intellectual, moral discussion about the news.
#1: Terri Schiavo should be allowed to die peacefully without the input of GW. See this website: http://www.miami.edu/ethics2/schiavo/timeline.htm It's from the Univ. of Miami and it details out everything. This case has been going on for years & it's our opinion that the parents are just pissed that they didn't get part of her medical malpractice settlement - which has now been eaten up by lawyer's fees. Note that the only abuse Terri suffered was after her parents' visitation. AND frankly, the govt should not intervene within issues of morality/ethics/belief systems. But in the reign of GW, "Christianity" reigns supreme, or the religious right IS always right.

#2: Michael Jackson needs psychological help, and parents should know better than to leave kids with him alone. They saw dollar signs, and I guarantee a civil case comes after the criminal for the dough.

That's it from Meg's world on this very good friday.
Happy Jesus Weekend, Everyone!

Happy, then Worried

I've been looking for a NYC apt for what seems like FOREVER - and then last wekeend I got a nice uplift. I met the potential roomies, they liked me, and the girl said that I would get it. Then the guy called me tonight (I talked to the girl around noon) and said that I didn't have it and that they absolutely adored the other girl.

I didn't think that I would get it last night when I met them, but today I was on cloud nine...

And then it came crashing down. But you know, that just means it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I'm actually meant for a little studio in Bklyn with cats. I couldn't stand having to ride the 4/5/6 trains all the time anyway.

I'm still PISSED though - not b/c I didn't get it but by the way they handled the situation. Stupid NY'ers.

Oh well. At least I bought ice cream before I got that call.

I AM a Masochist after all!

So I FINALLY went & got my eyebrows waxed today. From the SADIST eyebrow waxer!

I always get really nervous before they pull the strip off. For something so nice and warm, it shouldn't hurt that much. BUT IT DOES! Every woman can agree with me on this subject. But I'd much rather get hurt in one fell swoop than have to pluck everyday.

To add to the masochistic behavior, I talked to Mr. Todd today. I might be able to see him this week, b/c he's (as usual) too tired today. But it's with good reason at least, this time. Sometimes, I feel like I'm giving and giving and not getting much back. But I think that's mostly MY neurosis, and not his.

I also talked to my best friend Lori today - she's very upset and in a lot of pain. Without going into too much detail, she might get one of her greatest dreams taken away from her - another example of how life may not be fair, but that God exists - and her boyfriend is not exactly being supportive. He's an asshole, essentially.

And to make things worse, I'm watching RUNAWAY BRIDE and wishing that someone could feel that way about me again like Richard Gere thinks of Julia Roberts. But yet again, I'm not Julia Roberts - and every girl knows that the film industry likes to capitalize on women's fantasies and romedys (romantic comedies) are SOOO not set in reality.

But at the same time, I have felt that way about guys. And they have felt that way about me, even vocally sometimes. But it hasn't happened simultaneously for almost six years. Which is a long time for a diehard romantic.

There's Country Music in the UK....... and Crazy People Love Me

So much for my boring Friday night - my weekend seems to have flip-flopped. I spent last night in Brooklyn bars on Atlantic Avenue with Autumne, getting hit on by some really ghetto black guys.

And then tonight, which I assumed would be a bit crazier, going out with Jackie, seems to be the lazy night. I've spent the last hour finding a country radio station on the web (the best one that's loud enough with my puny speaker is from the UK... I never knew Brits listened to country music. EVER. And the fact that someone is saying "Kenny Chesney" with a British accent does NOT fail to make me smile.

Todd is off with his parents tonite - now I know for sure that someone is lamer than I am. I think if Jackie doesn't call me back (which may be a likely case) I'll just going to end up doing stuff I should catch up on, like homework.

Yeah, the joke of the grad program at Pace does give homework once in a while. Our midterm project for the godawful class I described earlier is a five page paper on something for Time Inc. I should be able to do it with a hangover....

SPEAKING OF HANGOVERS: I got a very funny call last night at 4am from a very drunken Todd on his bday and an even better VM from him - literally 10 minutes long, or very close! He was so drunk his voice sounded different, and when I was speaking with him in a drunken, sleepy haze last night I didn't notice what it was, but this morning I realized it - the reason I knew it was because it sounded like Adam!! The inflections, the pauses, everything!! Which I thought was pretty funny. Todd's drunk voice sounds like Adam's drunk voice. I should do an investigative study that EVERYONE sounds like Adam when they get drunk - or maybe not.

I think Autumne's STILL passed out from our adventure last night. Her away message says "I'm never going to drink again" and she's a lightweight, and I had a nasty hangover this morning, so I don't even want to think about that poor girl's condition.

I guess NOW is a good time to tell you about the crazy guy in the Park. Normally, it's too cold for the crazies to really come out. But today it was over 50 degrees for the first time in at least a month here in the city, so everyone was in the park. (This, mind you, is the first weekend I've had my Park back - no pesky Gates, no pesky Alison - although that was fun, there's nothing like being by yourself with your music.)

I went the long way again today, b/c I love the Harlem side of the transverse. Plus, there's not a lot of people that go that far north. So I was up there, in my little tshirt and track pants (it was that warm) and I notice this older guy in an argyle sweater, sweatpants, and rollerblades on the side of the tranverse. I happened to be changing songs on my Ipod and he said "Ipod!" or something similar while looking all wily (this is seriously the best word) at me. So for the next couple of miles, he stayed on his blades either a hundred yards ahead or behind of me yelling "whoo hoo" at people and generally muttering to himself. I wanted to ignore him, so I jumped up onto the reservoir path that runs along the west side of the transverse, hoping that he would give up.

BUT NO. He stayed on the transverse, since that's the only paved part in that section and literally kept even with me. I finally snaked past him when I stopped to stretch near the 72nd street exit and he couldn't stop that long without being obvious....

The more I thought about it and how I was creeped out but not threatened. It reminded me of my dad and the stupid shit he does. My father certainly wouldn't FOLLOW anyone for much longer than a few yards, especially if they seemed creeped out instead of the usual "uncomfortable" response my dad gets. I was mostly pissed off that I had to worry about this weirdo instead of enjoy my Stevie - which I saved for the end to give me a boost of energy.

It's Seven PM, and I still haven't heard from Jackie, which isn't the greatest of signs, but whatever. I really wouldn't mind a night to chill - I just hate when they run together. Friday night In, Saturday OUT, and Sunday IN is fine, but it just feels loserish to be Friday OUT, Saturday IN, Sunday IN, like I'm already in my thirties (no offense Joe) and only go out after work.. Ewww..

Starbucks guy (Diallo) just txted me and said that he just got into the airport after travelling all week. I'm not sure if I believe him, but it's still nice to get a call finally. He said he'd call me on the cab ride, and maybe he'll want to go out - but the question is, do I want to go out with him, all by my little self? Plus now I'm all comfy in my sheer tank top that's giant on me since I slept in it last night and shorts that smell like ass because I always wear them working out and Afro-I-took-a-bath-and-then-laid-down-to-read hair, smoking cigarettes and seriously considering playing online gin and writing papers all night.

Plus, Todd asked me what I was doing tomorrow, so there may be a chance for weekend sex after all, which I should store up energy for. So who knows. The night is still very, very young.

A Friday without the boss

It's soooo quiiett here today - I haven't even seen two of the other assistants, one of them is gone, and a bunch of people have taken off early. But it is the first nearly-50-degree day in a while, so maybe that's why.

I've been reading proposals, mostly, which is always fun for me. In what other industry do you get paid to read novels? LOVE MY JOB!

As far as personal life goes, I was reading this memoir of a near-divorce/adultery thing and the pain the woman went through reminded me of breaking up with Todd (or I guess when Todd dumped me, since I'm refering to the first time, not the second which was relatively expected and beneficial). I will admit that I have no idea what we're doing right now, but I know that it's good for me in a very irrational way. He's not my boyfriend, but he is my lover and my confidante - which to me, a boyfriend pretty much is anyway. But I have to stress that he's not my boyfriend.

I've always lived by the Ally Sheedy/St. Elmo's Fire adage that "I have to create something for myself before I share it with you." and what Todd needs to create is an identity - something I've never really had to fight for - at least not within myself. My problem is that I always feel like I'm an outsider, that I never really BELONG anywhere. Todd's is that he BELONGS (or is allowed to belong) with others but that it's not really his choice to. He doesn't know who or what he wants to belong to, which is something I definitely can identify with.

I'm going to get all philosophical here, but I think we need to realize that sometimes the people we turn to for comfort and guidance may be weaker than ourselves. I've begged Todd to hold me up (outside the Spring St Station, which is the COLDEST NYC Subway station EVER!) when I didn't realize that he couldn't. The same goes for Lori (she's a v. strong person, but I think our relationship is built on holding each other up), and in fact most of my friends are the same way..... everyone has their strengths, their weaknesses, and most importantly their ISSUES - but its how we react to them and compensate for them that makes all the difference.

Even though it's Todd's birthday this weekend, I won't see him. Which makes me sad, but I know that next weekend is reserved for me. What I realized two weekends ago (when I spent the entire time in my room!) was that I am not the center of anyone's world but me. This weekend, I'm dedicating tonight (Friday) to have a good time with me - and then Saturday I'll be in the park as usual, and then Saturday night I'll be with Jackie, and then Sunday I'll attempt to catch up on all the things I didn't do. But if Jackie happens to cancel, I'm going to try my best not to be depressed, as I normally would be. I'll work around it.

Onto lighter news: The class that I'm in at Pace in Midtown on Thursdays SUCKS. It's on modern technology in publishing, except that we don't talk about anything other than IT and stuff that's really old in the tech world (think 1998). It doesn't help that one of our profs is a bumbling idiot who rambles about Time Inc (where she works) and answers phone calls from her son on her cell (IN CLASS) and the other professor is an expert in the field of content mgmt and refuses to define the term or collect homework, or grade anything (I think b/c he likes the part-time prof salary but doesn't want to put the effort into it - or b/c the university refused to let him go regardless of how little work he does.)

So (I just re-read that paragraph- WHEW!!!) last night in class while the bumbling idiot prof is trying to set up a powerpoint on her laptop and on the projection thingie (which takes at least twenty minutes) she gets her bracelet stuck on her ring - on opposite hands. Picture a short, plump, blond woman with little square glasses falling off her nose saying "I'm stuck, I'm stuck!" and we all sit there, laughing.

That, I have to admit, was kind of mean of us - but finally after a minute, she got it all straightened out b/c the girl sitting closest to her helped her out (even tho everyone knew no one wanted to).

AND THIS is what I pay 14,000/year for. (Not including housing.)

Mentally & Physically Exhausted Meg

I am now officially "spent". After last week of crisis, and last weekend of trucking about my beloved city with Miss Alison Turner, I am alone, and happy!! And completely satisfied - well maybe not completely - I'm still not in my own apartment, or an editor. But as close as I can get.

I talked to my brother on Friday, and my mom, and both are doing fine with my grandma, who I think is happy wherever she is. I'm remarkably not upset - either it'll hit me later or I'll actually be okay. That moment on the train on Friday made me SOOOO happy.

And I'm excited to go back to my life as I know it - getting up every morning and going down to Cranberry's with my Ipod and going to work at S&S. I don't think I realize how much I treasure my independence and frankly, my ROUTINE of living in New York, and especially Brooklyn. I treasure the borough more than anyone will know - no wonder I was so touched by A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN.

As much as Winona or Merrill (Irma at least!) this is MY HOME, where I belong, where I live my life. And that is the best part.

Alison made the comment when she was here that she thought NY'ers were rude and jaded. But what she doesn't realize is that we kind of have to be, with so many people. And that's what I love. No one will bother me on my way anywhere, but if I needed help, they would be there - and I help when I can as well. I have never been in a city when so many doors have been held open for me (literally and figuratively). Alison's visit just helped me remember why I love this city so much.

I got to see it through her eyes - Canal Street, where the Chinese women put on stickers on generic bags that say KATE SPADE, and brunch, where everyone is out recovering from the night before or simply celebrating the weekend. And the cute wine bars where everyone talks about anything... and the piano bars where gay men celebrate me for singing along with a Reba McEntire song.

That's our weekend. And for the record, Al thought Todd was "awesome". Diallo didn't come through (he's sick apparently - who knows if he actually is, or if he's abandoned the plan since I wouldn't make out with him - way to go me!), but we salvaged. And now, I'm tired and happy, and satisfied to take a bath and chill (which I just did).

It also helped that everything I tried on at Macy's (even a Rampage medium, which we all know is notoriously small) fit. And that I got to share Friday night with one of my best friends here (Todd) and one of my best friends from Winona (Alison).

So now I'm going to download (or upload, what's the correct term?) more CDs for the Ipod so that I can listen to Bob Dylan, The Cars, and country covers of the Eagles (Thanks Joe!) tomorrow on the A train, where no one stares at you.

And be completely anonymous. Which is fine because I know who I am.

What a Wonderful World.............................

After sixteen years of Alzheimer's Disease, my grandmother Dorothy Tebo Lindstrom, has finally ended her suffering.

Everyone thinks I shouldn't be at work, that I should be home, or preparing to fly back to WI for the funeral. And although I'd like to do that, it's completely not necessary. My grandmother passed peacefully and is probably playing cribbage with my great-aunt, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and holding hands with my grandfather..... who hasn't seen her completely be herself for almost fifteen years.

My mom's birthday was yesterday and she says it was the best gift she could have gotten.

I believe very strongly in a god and in spirits, and I had more proof this morning: I was on the train this morning, and I felt someone right next to me. That's Dorothy telling me not to be sad, and to celebrate my life - and hers - with my friends.

So Alison is on her way - I will see her in six hours hopefully if her plane isn't too badly delayed (Snow both here and in the Midwest) - and at Shade Bar tonight in the Village - she, Todd & I will raise our glasses.... to Dorothy - and to her husband Jack, who are joined again to live the REST of their lives together. May we live and prosper so well!

Staring into the Distance

This week is FILLED with abnormality - so much so that being at work feels GOOD.

First, Todd & I broke up today (AGAIN, I know, I know) but this time we really talked about it (in email, which actually was a lot better and more therapeutic than us talking) and I feel okay about it. It wasn't right for either of us, and even though we really care about each other, we're both better off not dating each other. But we're still friends. Of course, it hasn't hit me yet and due to the fact that I'm on the monthly cycle of over-emoting, I may have another overreaction soon. So be on the lookout. I've already had at least 2 breakdowns this week.

But it will all be over soon. If anything, it makes work seem better because at least here, I'm not confronting it in my thoughts every five seconds. And my friends have been great ---- Alison, Lori, Autumne, Jackie, and Michelle all had advice to give that was helpful.

One of the things I told to Todd was that I often put myself out there without any concern for being hurt. To me, life isn't worth living if you don't take risks. Sometimes those risks pay off, and other times you end up getting hurt.

I'm also really bad at letting go, or even holding my friends accountable for actions that hurt me or make me feel less than what I am. If anyone saw Amanda's comment on Monday's blog, you know SHE woke up on the opposite side of the bed yesterday than I did. But that's OK... she's completely allowed to be angry.... and if a blog's not for whining and bitching, then what IS it for? I'm not sorry for any of the things I said about her, because that's how I felt at the time - and a part of me is disappointed in her actions. If it had been an isolated incident, I wouldn't have cared. But for those of you that know me, I haven't been too happy with Amanda as of late, since this sort of thing is a pretty frequent circumstance. Not that it's solely her problem either - part of it is that I don't call her on it. But that's for us to discuss when we both have time.

But no one should have to defend their feelings, or make up for them, or pretend they're not there. Because then you're denying yourself. So I'm glad Amanda bitched me out. That doesn't mean I have to agree with her, but at least it brings the problems to light, and the solutions.

In our big meaningful emails, Todd & I also talked about developing your sense of self. A large part of that is who you surround yourself with. For me, that includes a lot of very good hearted people: my boss, my close friends (I could name you all, but I don't think that's necessary) and my family (which at present I feel includes my parents, my brother, Wendy, Josh, Lori, Todd, and Ryan). Even though we might not see each other very often, I know that if I was in trouble any of those people would travel great distances to help me - and vice versa. And that's what's really important.

I can't tell if my heart's broken again like it was when Todd first dumped me. I don't think it is, because I saw this coming - and I already had a good cry last night thanks to my period- and I know its for the right reasons. I don't want to expose Todd's problems to the whole world, but I will simply say that it wasn't the right time for him. And therefore it wasn't the right time for me.

So that's that.

Bring on the booty shaking on Saturday with Autumne, Michelle, Alison, and Diallo the Starbucks guy. And as Autumne says, "When you go out with Meg, bring your cab fare."

It's time to start anew. But first, I gotta settle the old and make Todd buy me dinner tonight b4 hitting up free drinks with Jackie at the book party.

Waking Up on the Happy Side of the Bed

It's a BEAUTIFUL DAY IN NEW YORK CITY

and for some reason (probably hormones from THE FLOW) I am very, very happy.

I'm sure the tiredness will kick in eventually, but for right now, I've got a great tasting flavored coffee from Cranberry's (French Vanilla), a new friend who I hung out with yesterday, a busy week ahead, and Alison will be here in 4 days... next weekend's gonna be great!!

I sound like I'm on Prozac.

Waking Up on the Happy Side of the Bed

It's a BEAUTIFUL DAY IN NEW YORK CITY

and for some reason (probably hormones from THE FLOW) I am very, very happy.

I'm sure the tiredness will kick in eventually, but for right now, I've got a great tasting flavored coffee from Cranberry's (French Vanilla), a new friend who I hung out with yesterday, a busy week ahead, and Alison will be here in 4 days... next weekend's gonna be great!!

I sound like I'm on Prozac.

You're downgraded, my friend

So I spent this weekend in my room. With the exception of going to Central Park on Saturday (great!) and to Cranberry's, I was here both Friday and SATURDAY night. Technically, tonight I should have been with Amanda, drinking and carousing and whining about our respective men.

But alas, it was not to be. The bitch didn't even call me to say that she decided to do something (or someone) else. Obviously I'm angry! Not only does this whole escapade make me feel like a loser for sitting here in clothes I intended to wear until it was time to get ready, but it was too late to hook up with anyone else - even though Jackie offered since she was hanging with Ian, who I think is very entertaining and cool and all that. But since she couldn't hear her phone, and I really didn't want to interrupt on Ian/Jackie time anyway, I was here all night.

Three saving graces: 1) Michelle came over with her husband, which was entertaining and interesting. It's been a long time since I had a friend that was married. 2) Megan entertained me for a bit and 3) Autumne did offer me free wine, but was unavailable after that for whatever reason, so I felt that I had some friends out there.....

Oh, and as for Todd? He called but wanted to go running and go to bed instead of coming to Bklyn.. and since he has to help his roomie Eamon move some of his friends' stuff tomorrow after the race, I didn't want to go up to Riverdale to hang out and then have to sacrifice my sleeping in....

But to satisfy my social requirements, I am going to coffee with an enterprising young man I met last week. No worries, just friends, but still. New friends are always good - they still think I'm cool enough to hang out with...

My humor, as usual, saves me - and the fact that the cool girl I was playing gin with earlier wasn't going out either.

Although I did want a drink (or three or seven) I am sort of glad I got this time to rest.. my one night without class next week is going to be filled with a book signing party for my favorite author, Nelson George. Which Jackie is my date for in some hip Soho setting. And then next Friday Alison'll be here, which means I will get absolutely no rest next weekend.

So all in all, I don't have much to be depressed about.

Much to laugh about though: 1) Todd favors running over me (something I like to state often as a joke... not so sure about the reality of that. 2) my old slutty roommate from sophomore year is pregnant with a baby from a guy named Tarz (no lie) that she used to sleep with when we lived together in Lourdes Hall at WSU, and 3) I now have over 200 songs in my "cheesy and retro" playlist in my Ipod.

I never said I have class.....

Diary of a Mad White Woman

I'm on a new quest: to put every possible song I like on my Ipod.

SO I realized that if I wanted to automatically update it instead of just putting it back and forth manually, I had to delete the 800+ songs I spent SOO much time on Amanda's slow as hell laptop. And I did - twice!

But now, only about 36 hours (not even) after I got my new puter, I have 1046 (still uploading as we speak) songs. HA! And I downloaded some 80s classics.... and now I finally have LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR from those evil JC penney commercials!

I'm having a good day, other than the fact that my boy chose not to call me. But (rolls eyes) whatever. I'll deal. I listened to (or read on messenger) some advice from my best friend Lori (who has put up with a boy who has been unemployed for almost their entire relationship, thus putting her in massive debt) about not "settling" but I fell like I owe Todd what I've been telling him all along: that he's worth sticking it out for awhile just to make sure its not going to work. I hope it does work though, because i do really love him....

Okay so moving on. I also impressed my boss by sending out 150 books in one fell swoop mailing. I'm a good worker, I guess.

I love the fact that Oprah's on at 1am. And that I have the whole weekend to improve the Ipod.

My New Computer ROCKS

So I just got "booted" out of Amanda's room for BOOTY - William, her perpetual fuckbuddy, came over and I learned of MY stance in her life!!

LOL - I'd kick her out for ass too. But my Ipod's down there, loading up her songs and mine since I accidentally deleted them (oops! at least she hasn't deleted anything and now i have a bunch of random DMB and hiphop...) and I have to go rescue it. It won't be ready for another half hour anyway.. who knows what they could be doing by then... but I will get it back tonight, I swear.

Anyway, I'm very happy with my little Dell.. its cute and I really enjoy the tiny monitor, although it makes me feel like I'm at a computer lab. I've never had my own desktop before and I LOVE IT! I also love being in contact with my friends.

As some of you also know, my friend Alison is visiting NEXT FRIDAY!! I was pissed at her forever because she NEVER calls me back. But all is forgiven - as long as she pays for bottles of wine at the Shade Bar on Friday.

Anyway. Todd is very busy at work, which leads me to worry because I didn't get to talk to him on Tuesday and very briefly on Wednesday - he's supposed to call me tonight, but we'll see if that happens. I love the boy, but I respect that he has a job and can't exactly put me over that and I WOULDN'T WANT HIM TO - what kind of hypocrite would that make me?

But I do miss him. A girl can not live on friends alone - although I LOVE my friends .. Michelle & Megan helped me set up my computer today, which was totally sweet and I love the fact that I've done nothing but sit here and drink beer with Amanda since about noon. (well, I only started drinking an hour ago, which would start about 6:30 or 7pm.)

So I'm content to sit here tonight, blogging and chatting. I have to workout, because I skipped it last night to go to see IN GOOD COMPANY with Michelle - good but not great. If you like "Realistic" romedies (romantic comedies) then you'll like it. If you're looking for HITCH with Topher Grace, then its not happening.

But now I'm listening to Sarah McLachlan, and my dinner is beer and cigs. Sounds like I'm getting more like Amanda more and more every evening.

Totally glad I came home today, and completely happy I DIDN'T go to class.

MKS

Perfect Day!

I'm having the greatest day today! So UPS apparently can't deliver my new computer unless I'm there to sign for it.

So I left a voicemail for my boss last night, saying I had to leave at 2, since the delivery guy usually shows up at my building between 2 & 4.

She comes in this morning and says "Shouldn't you go earlier?"

So now I'm leaving at one. Hope to blog this afternoon on my new computer!!!!

oh - and I spent an hour gossiping with my boss. I LOVE my job!!!!!

MKS

What you don't know......................................

Can only make you laugh.....
hysterically... at your desk.... making you look CRAZY

I was bored and decided it would be a fun idea to google my boyfriend. I've googled almost everyone I've ever worked for and myself (which, by the way, will mostly pull up articles I wrote for the WSU newspaper)

So I google and figure there must be something wrong.
This was in the body of the first link I got:
Hershey, PA – Scott J. Newkam, Chairman, President and CEO of Hershey Entertainment & Resorts Company, announced the retirement of Todd K. P. (HUH? Okay, so that's totally NOT the Todd I'm sleeping with - and I'm not giving out Mr. Todd's last name, that's just rude) as Vice President of the Sports & Entertainment Group, and Director of Corporate Safety and Security, effective February 2, 2005. Then I realize: Mr. Todd's dad has been employed with Hershey Entertainment & Resorts Company for nearly 32 years, and has held several key management positions within the Company, including blah blah blah...

AND THEN:
A graduate of Hershey High School and Shippensburg State University, P. and his wife Linda reside in Hershey and are the parents of Jennifer, Jaime, and Todd.

AHA! I knew I wasn't insane but it made me laugh that 1) Mr. Todd's parents were this uncreative with naming their children... why isn't Todd a JR? and 2) I couldn't find anything but old cross country scores on my boyfriend, but lots of stuff about his family, not only his dad (which makes sense since he was VP of something) but also his sister Jaime, who is a really great soccer player and apparently made more of a mark on the athletic world than he did, since I could only find old cross country scores for him ....

Don't get me wrong. I adore Todd - but there's a lot of things that are funny about him, just like there are about anyone. (If you want proof, check out my 50 things list, and remember which one of us listens (seriously) to Hilary Duff.)

But, all in all, this blurb about where he's from made me really chuckle.

Hershey, Pennsylvania is known the world over as The Sweetest Place on Earth.

REALLY? Fascinating.

I HAVE to see this town. So few people, so much STUFF:
Hersheypark amusement park, Dutch Wonderland Entertainment Complex, the Hotel Hershey, the Hershey Lodge & Convention Center, ZooAmerica, the Hersheypark Sports and Entertainment Complex, home to Hershey Bears professional hockey team, the Hersheypark Arena and Stadium, and the soon to be complete Giant Center.

Wow. All we have where I'm from is the MARC (Merrill Area Recreation Center), which is essentially a hockey rink set in a field.

I think Mr. Todd's going to be sadly disappointed with the MARC, and the lack of candy-orientated activities and sports teams in Merrill, when he comes to visit memorial day weekend.

But yet again, we do drink at the bowling alley.

Snowy Day, wishing the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet, can't you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street.....

So the boss is gone today - hiding out in Jersey at my request, which I think is great. She needs to get better so that I don't get sick.

La la! So I started being productive when I got in after my morning cigarette, and now by 11:50, I know I'm going to be bored. I even did filing already....

Debo sent me a pic - and he's cute. So I'm going to hand him off to Amanda. She bought me pizza, cheesy bread, and buffalo wings to weather the storm with, so she deserves it.

I'm trying to decide what I should do - I have a few things I know I OUGHT to do, but I don't particularly WANT to do any of them. Debating whether anyone would notice if I took a two hour lunch - but what would I DO on a two hour lunch? Hmmm.. tricky.

I have a feeling that my whole week's going to be like this. Sitting here and going hmmm what do I do now?

My dell computer is on its way from Tennessee. It was "rescheduled" which I assume means that they decided not to take it up here last night due to the snowstorm... it's supposed to be delivered tomorrow but I'm hoping it will come today, thus giving me something to do while watching AMERICAN IDOL.....