What Sarah Said

I have a confession to make. I truly hate indie rock, particularly "new, cool" bands.... I detest the White Stripes because of how they came about. I usually join the bandwagon late, once the fad has passed and I actually listen to the music. This is true for Tegan & Sara (although their new album IS fantastic), the Killers, and most recently Death Cab For Cutie (although I always liked them because they have such a fantastic name).

For Christmas, my brother burned me a collection of his favorite CDs - my idea, but Shea went beyond expectation and burned me 5 CDs.... and I like every one of them so far... but the song "What Sarah Said" stopped me in my tracks on the A train on Thursday morning.

I was just listening and appreciating, until when at the end the music fades and the lyric is "Love is watching someone die." And for me, that immediately brought up memories of watching my grandmother fade into her Alzheimers, but the more I listen to it the more I get out of it.

I only saw one friend while I was at home (Heather) my other three (Ryan, Pete, and Jenn) were all too busy or we just weren't there at the same time. And while my first trip to Winona since I moved to NYC was certainly gratifying, I felt weird there like I was looking into my past (ironically a similar but different feeling that I had when I was hanging out and getting to know Pete).

I feel that I'm watching parts of myself die: the girl that belonged in the group with Poof and Kevin who don't speak to me anymore, much less see; the crazy wild girl in college who couldn't control what she said or did (although there are definitely still the good elements of that Meg left including my dedication to doing anything (or anyone) once, and a keen sense of how to track down anyone armed only with time and Google).

Tonight, Todd was supposed to come over after work (like 6, 7pm) and we were going to lock ourselves in the apartment to brave New Years together and have a summit of sorts on if we want to be with each other or not. He got held up at work and is now just at 96th street; he probably won't even show up until midnight, and if I know Todd he'll immediately pass out. I was initially really pissed (especially when I didn't know what he was doing and had thoughts that he was going to blow me off) but now I am just starting to think that the girl that was so gaga over him may be dying as well.

I know I've said it a million times before, that I was on the track to getting over him. But two things I've realized in the last week (especially with everyone telling me how foolish I'm being by having the summit at all) is that I need to say goodbye TO HIM in order to get over him (it's definitely an ego thing) and in a moment during our Chrismakkah celebration with Jackie, that I didn't remember why I loved him so much. While I know I still love him, I feel that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore.

I have to save myself. I'm not the girl that waits and nor should I. I love Todd; but I'm not watching myself die because of it. Hopefully this burst of self appreciation and motivation lasts longer than the last one.