Without You............

I'm reading THE MERCY OF THIN AIR for my book club, which is an excellent book. It's all about this woman who died in the 1920s (1927 to be exact I think) and she's been halfheartedly searching for a lost love because she is scared of what it brings.

And every time I read it (particularly with a drink or two in me) I think about the song from RENT, "Without You"...... and of course I think about Todd, but I also think about that person I haven't found yet that will be everything Todd is to me and more.

I think about my grandparents. How my grandpa was devastated by my grandma being diagnosed with Alzheimers and how he died before her, but without her being able to recognize him. And even though she was essentially gone and had forgotten how to walk, how to eat, one day she sat up and said, "I'm coming home, Jack." And how my mother would be lost without my dad, and even worse vice versa...... and I think about how powerful it would be to have the same emotions at the same time.

When Todd was over on Sunday, I called him out, I said, "You have the time, you just don't want to make it." And even though I could see the hurt in his eyes, the regret, I wasn't holding anything against him. He can't help how he feels about me, and maybe one day he'll realize that he could have made the time, and I'll be gone. Or maybe I'll be there, I don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore, at least not the way I used to be.

But then I think about how I felt at brunch, where I was so close to where I wanted to be with him, but yet so far away. I think I'm finally doing something right. I'm holding him close while exploring other options. Maybe Patrick will be someone, probably not. But I want to find that person...... the mom to my dad, the grandpa to my grandma. I still believe there's many people that can fill that spot for any individual and maybe for me, Todd is one of them. But he doesn' t want me to fill that spot for him, and I respect that.

After all, I haven't become so desperate that I echo the sentiment from rent:

"Without you, life goes on, but I'm gone.... without you"

Because I'm certainly here.