The Conclusion of the Summit

As expected, the grand summit of Todd and Meghan's relationship did not come out with either of us smelling like roses - mostly because we did nothing but drink, sit on the couch eating takeout and having sex for two straight days - but also because whatever spark our relationship once had has now faded into a distant memory. I think I knew it while the weekend was going on; but I was trying my best to ignore it, and ignore how PISSED I was getting at Todd for not trying, for not liking me, in the immortal words of KC: "How come I never hear you say, I just wanna be with you/I guess you never felt that way."

Todd said he tried his hardest; I called him out on it and said that was a lie. I told him that I realized he wasn't trying when he wasn't even ATTEMPTING to hold me in bed when we slept next to one another which he used to do back in the day, and that he both showed up late (work thing ran over) and was leaving early (Sunday instead of Monday - I KNOW I mentioned Monday at Chrismakkah on Thursday).

Right before he left, I also told him that he was going to realize one day that I cared about him more than anyone else and that he chose to lose me.

I cried last night and today, mostly because I really do love Todd and I can see him morphing into a different person who frankly, I don't like that much. He's even more emotionally distant than before and I suspect that he's experience the beginning of a stress related ulcer from all those emotions being kept in. (Technically, it could also be from the cookies, pizza, and the nearly full tumbler of Johnny Walker Black Label he consumed while he was here, I'm not sure).

Michelle helped me last night by telling me that the guys she was with at 24 were all wrong for her too. Today, Athena counseled via IM (she had to work today, the poor girl!) and I met with my eternal therapists - my ipod and the city of New York.

I could tell that the city knew I needed it. I had a mournful teen look me straight in the eye and hold the gaze for at least 20 seconds right next to me on the subway and more than one person looked at me the same way while I was walking uptown on B'Way from Columbus Circle. It could have also been the fact that I'm an attractive, skinny girl in a bright green peacoat, but I would like to think its because I've got red rings around my eyes not only from Todd but also from FINALLY watching Hotel Rwanda (I've had it since mid-November from Netflix). I almost cried on the damn A between 145th and 125th thanks to my girl, KC (Kelly Clarkson, who is AWESOME for breakup music, god bless her). After all, I think I've known this was coming for longer than I realized - the entire time that I was sad and just didn't know it.

So I think I'm doing better. I'm not falling down in my shower or collapsing on my floor in the agony of losing the redhead in Riverdale. And I am taking comfort in that he's getting fatter too. But really - Chris gave me some killer advice and I pretty much wrapped up why I'm not dealing with the Pag anymore - I can't waste any more of my life obsessed with making this work.

I woke up this morning listening to Jimmy Wayne's "Stay Gone" in my head:

When we try to make it work

We both end up hurt

Love ain't supposed to be that way

So baby baby stay

Stay right where you are

I like it this way

It's good for my heart

I haven't felt like this

In ooh in God knows how long

I know everything's gonna be okay

If you just stay gone