I Know How He Feels

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight and knew exactly how George felt; and as usual, I got more therapy than any psychologist could give me in an hour.

As I get older, I realize more and more that love, mutual and "true" love, is harder to come by than I previously thought. In my life so far, the deck has been stacked in my favor (I've broken more hearts than had them) but what I realize is that there are slow burns.

The obvious burn is Todd, but that's easier. Another one is realizing that I had guys who loved me for me (Kevin and Troy come to mind) that I never appreciated while I had them, even if they WEREN'T right for me. The fact that they stood by me afterwards is remarkable. Maybe someday I'll have that strength again with T.

But the slow burn is my friend Poof. I realized in college that I loved him as more than a friend and wanted to take it to the next level. We never had any sexual chemistry but one night we kissed, in his car, driving around (we do that alot in Wisconsin, where I'm from) and it was there, all of it. I don't know how to explain it, but I remember that juxtaposed by him asking me to take him back in high school in a blackberry patch. He never forgave me for my rash decision to be friends then, and about two years ago he stopped talking to me. Just withdrew completely. I haven't heard from him since and he was a complete asshole last time I was home. He came over and then just ranted and raved and made me so angry... but I didn't stand up for myself as I should have. I could track him down, but I'm trying not to. All I want to know is WHY but I think I know the answer. I am going a different path and he can't give me the time of day to save himself from feeling something uncomfortable.

Tonight on the show a woman left her fiancee in the hospital because he was having a surgery that could kill him (he, of course, didn't die). I would stand at the bedside of most of my close friends anyday, everyday. For a couple, I would step in front of a train for them.

But what I can never understand is why Poof just withdrew. The last recognizable sign of caring is when he gasped and looked up when I said Todd dumped me on my bday. On the show one of the characters said that the fiancee didn't deserve the woman if she couldn't love him the way he loves her. I think that's right; but does Poof not deserve me, or vice versa?

I am, of course, being melodramatic. I was thinking of him, and wanting to reach out to something. I think it was because even though he would joke about my faults, he was never cruel. As much as I love some of my friends, they don't know how to tell me things without being cruel (or at least seem cruel to me). It's fucking hurtful but I know (or hope) they're not doing it on purpose.

I went out with B on Friday and it was great fun. He stayed over of course but I sensed a lukewarm reception, so we shall see what happens there. I bugged him last night because I was drunk and upset that my party didn't go off the way I wanted it to, and I might have cost myself a good friend just like I did with the last couple guys I've met. What is wrong with me? After this, the hiatus is on for real.

I know what you're thinking (Yeah, right). And you're probably right-my track record sucks.

But, as George says, karma's a bitch.