Baby I'm Amazed

I spent nearly 10 hours at work today. And read (for work) on the train ride home. Sometimes I wonder if being an English professor somewhere in the Midwest would give me a respite from this type of long work day. I decided quickly it would NOT be, given that I'd have to go to school for another three or four years, teach English 101 classes for five or six and then maybe get tenure when I'm 45 and be able to take a sabbatical (this is if I started now).

I've been thinking a lot about choices. My new philsophy is that choices and free will determine your life, with scraps of faith, luck and fate intervening intermittently. I choose to get up and work everyday; I chose to be obsessed with Todd for a year; I choose to let people walk all over me; I choose to feel bad about myself for reasons no one would suspect.

I'm also choosing purposely not to go back-- leave NYC, become a professor and dive into trying out a love with the one that could have been. Because I choose to let him love me. If he does, he'll come. He may even just show up at my door one day.

A girl can dream, can't she? I'm not exactly waiting for John Cusack here. He can snore so loud I once heard it OUTSIDE my apartment building, 10 feet away. He's so picky I want to kill him when he tells me what's in his fridge (New York's culinary delights, burgers excepted, will be lost on him). But he does call me to rescue me from my everyday doldrums and tells me that a particular song by Wings reminds him of me.

He reminds me of everything I am, everything I've been and everything I could be. But I've learned to live without him, too....hopefully even when he marries some lucky bitch and procreates, he'll still be my very best friend.

My twin..... if I had a penis, ate Ramen every night, had a completely amazing record collection, liked Nickelback (ugh! Except the new song, that's good) and knew there was a hunting season in effect nearly every day in America.