I'm in love with him, still, and I love him very much. And the funny thing is that he loves me too. He's totally not ready for this and that's why we're not together. Sometimes, that breaks my heart as much as it did when we broke up, and sometimes I'm fine. And sometimes, like Sunday night, I miss him so much that I can't even explain it.
I miss my family, of course, and my friends - but this is more of an immediate pain rather than that dull one. I told him this morning that he's my heroin - I can only go so long without a hit. (I'm pretty sure that's a movie line..... only I think they used smoking). Either way, I know my friends would advise against all this, but I DON'T CARE.
I may be opening my heart to more pain and I'm certain that's a very likely situation, but to be utterly realistic, right now I can't be with anyone else. And that scares the shit out of me, but it's a comforting scare, if that makes any sense whatsoever.
My best friend stayed with her boyfriend when he cheated on her, and when he got scared. And she was one of my biggest supporters when Todd broke up with me, and kept me going, and told me it was okay to be upset for a long period of time. She validated my existence, and I'm hoping she'll understand this too. Jackie certainly won't and will be critical, which is fine because I would be too from the outside looking in.
But they have no idea how I feel when he holds me, and how much it feels like home to me. That's the best way to describe it. It's like nothing else matters. I thought I'd never say this about any guy, but I'm desperate for him. As Brian Wilson says in "God Only Knows":
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
Mind you, I don't really believe the "what good would living do me" but I'm the best when I'm with him and I'm the best version of me possible with him. I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm more creative and I'm always, always drawn to him. I can't walk away.
And even though he can't be what I want him to be for me - at least right now - he can't walk away either. Which, frankly, is what I wanted all along.
In an interesting turn of events, now his roommate, Eamon, likes me. So even though my only ally in that department, their former roomie Pam, has left, I can't help but laugh at the irony of that this former maneater is in love. And can't walk away. No matter how big of an ass the guy she's in love with is.
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