Crescendo Time

You know the part in the end of the TV show (drama comedy like GREYS ANATOMY, SPORTS NIGHT, FRIENDS) where the character has a dramatic event and is thinking about everything or has just told someone off and there's a giant crescendo of emotional music?

Well, its crescendo time. The New York City Marathon was today and I went with Chris to his place on 1st Ave at mile 17 and watched for my exboyfriend Todd to run past. And the fleeting image of him wasn't enough for me, so I went with Chris into Central Park at mile 25 to enjoy the runners up close (and because i didn't get Todd's attention earlier in the race). There I got the Pag's attention and because he looked so happy to see me, I couldn't get him out of my mind.

Chris & I said bye (I was in one of those moods due to the whole Todd reminicing that was going on) and I walked through all the crowds to Central Park West. I drifted to the "reunion" area and didn't see him but ran into him while I was waiting for the crowds to thin out by the C line on 72nd Street. I hugged him and told him congrats.

It ended up that I was the only one that showed up to see him run. His friends are mostly scattered, Eamon is selfish enough not to come down and support and he told his parents to stay at home (even though they left him a really nice and long voicemail congratulating him). I couldn't let him walk alone because he seemed wrecked so we got him salt for his muscles and gatorade and walked to the 72nd Street 1 line.

While we were on the train and on our walk, we discussed the usual topics: what's new in our lives, Chris, Eamon, etc, etc. Of course I brought up that I missed him (totally true; the man was my best friend for six months) and then he made a comment about how he mishandled our breakup and that he's realizing the excuses he gave may not be valid anymore. In a moment of clarity on the 1 train, I realized what I had to say. And this is in part thanks to what Chris, Mike, Michelle, Jackie and others have said to me re: todd.

As we neared the 168th St stop, where I knew I had to get off even though I was counting the precious minutes with him. I said something along the lines of
"Yes, I'm with Chris. I like him a lot and I don't know what's going to happen. But whoever I'm with doesn't stop the fact that I was very deeply in love with you and probably still am. You broke my heart, and you did it with the worst timing possible. But I forgive you, and I love you."

I walked off the train, not looking back, and walked past the closing doors of the 1 train, up the stairs, and back onto the A platform. And I knew that it was true - I had forgiven him. (Cue crescendo music)

Will he come back? Who knows. I'd like to go by the conversation Jackie & I had:
Me: I found him three times in 37,000 people. I obviously love him.
Jackie: You know I'm not an optimist. Optimism does NOT look good on me.
I don't know if fate exists. But I'd like to believe in it.

Here's to believing that whatever happens, I have faith in it all being a part of something bigger than me.

And that both Chris and Todd were in my life today for a reason, which I don't know but I'm thankful for.

All you need is love" is a lie 'cause

We had a love but we still said goodbye

And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's

Nothing to blame

At the drop of your name

It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and

Wait on your porch 'til you come back home

Oh, rightI can’t find a flight

So I’ll check the weather wherever you are

Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight

John Mayer is the soundtrack to anyone's thoughful and pensive moods. Too bad we're all sleeping under this brilliant NYC sky. And lucky enough to live in a city where a twenty six mile marathon can be a major spectator sport.