You Can't Go Home Again

One of my best friends (Ryan) spent the better part of last week (Tue-Sat) here and I learned again that you can't go home again.

Or that home can't come to visit you. Ryan was clearly uncomfortable in NYC, except the few times I got him to be happy (eating Thai/French fusion food at elephant, a brilliantly delicious les delight, walking around at central park, and searching for jenga at the Toys R Us in Times Square). Mind you, he was the most vocally unsupportive of my friends from home and I shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't like NYC but still...

He's supported me being here, and even admitted that it's the place for me to be. But he doesn't belong here, and that makes me wonder if he belongs in my life - as a large part as he once was, is he still relevant? Is anyone relevant?

As we move on, we lose friends. Especially those that don't grow and change with you. Case in point: Ryan and my friend Jenn are my only high school friends left. Why? Because my other friends are blue collar workers living in their parents' homes and don't quite identify with a city dweller going for her masters and working on books. I've lost friends from college and friends from high school, and even my best friend and I are growing apart.

And that just makes me wonder who will take their place, as I change (for the better everyone has said) and develop into a different person than I used to be. Maybe that's why I'm struggling - I've been trying to hold on to the past (or grab it again) while still moving forward.

Certainly, Todd is my best friend in the city - but maintaining a relationship with him is probably not the healthiest thing for me (although I'm determined to try). I'm just wondering when it will feel comfortable and stable again. I have good friends here - some of which came over to play drunk jenga on friday - but no one's really stepped up the way that Ryan had in the beginning, or what Lori developed into as my best friend, or the way Todd genuinely listened when I talked.

But now that I type this, I know that's a lie. Jackie & Michelle listen; Jenni holds her transplant status as near to her heart as I do, and Chris is still attentive and would probably drop everything to be there if I needed him. So I shouldn't whine.

Riding the subway alone to the park today, I was happy. I belong on the A train, running in the park, working at Rockefeller Center, and going to see RENT tonight before doing a homework assignment at Barnes & Noble at the last minute. Ryan hasn't called me since he got back to Wisconsin even though I asked him to; and all I have to say is oh well. Even though I have been his friend for nearly 10 years and have held onto him through major depressions and life changes, I can't control him any more than I can control the weather.

If he doesn't like NYC, screw him. And if he doesn't like me anymore because of NYC, fuck him (and I didn't do that, so maybe that's WHY he's not calling).

After 24 years, I've found somewhere I belong, even if I'm alone most of the time. If someone "loves" me and can't get that, I don't know who they think they're in love with.