You Can't Go Home Again

One of my best friends (Ryan) spent the better part of last week (Tue-Sat) here and I learned again that you can't go home again.

Or that home can't come to visit you. Ryan was clearly uncomfortable in NYC, except the few times I got him to be happy (eating Thai/French fusion food at elephant, a brilliantly delicious les delight, walking around at central park, and searching for jenga at the Toys R Us in Times Square). Mind you, he was the most vocally unsupportive of my friends from home and I shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't like NYC but still...

He's supported me being here, and even admitted that it's the place for me to be. But he doesn't belong here, and that makes me wonder if he belongs in my life - as a large part as he once was, is he still relevant? Is anyone relevant?

As we move on, we lose friends. Especially those that don't grow and change with you. Case in point: Ryan and my friend Jenn are my only high school friends left. Why? Because my other friends are blue collar workers living in their parents' homes and don't quite identify with a city dweller going for her masters and working on books. I've lost friends from college and friends from high school, and even my best friend and I are growing apart.

And that just makes me wonder who will take their place, as I change (for the better everyone has said) and develop into a different person than I used to be. Maybe that's why I'm struggling - I've been trying to hold on to the past (or grab it again) while still moving forward.

Certainly, Todd is my best friend in the city - but maintaining a relationship with him is probably not the healthiest thing for me (although I'm determined to try). I'm just wondering when it will feel comfortable and stable again. I have good friends here - some of which came over to play drunk jenga on friday - but no one's really stepped up the way that Ryan had in the beginning, or what Lori developed into as my best friend, or the way Todd genuinely listened when I talked.

But now that I type this, I know that's a lie. Jackie & Michelle listen; Jenni holds her transplant status as near to her heart as I do, and Chris is still attentive and would probably drop everything to be there if I needed him. So I shouldn't whine.

Riding the subway alone to the park today, I was happy. I belong on the A train, running in the park, working at Rockefeller Center, and going to see RENT tonight before doing a homework assignment at Barnes & Noble at the last minute. Ryan hasn't called me since he got back to Wisconsin even though I asked him to; and all I have to say is oh well. Even though I have been his friend for nearly 10 years and have held onto him through major depressions and life changes, I can't control him any more than I can control the weather.

If he doesn't like NYC, screw him. And if he doesn't like me anymore because of NYC, fuck him (and I didn't do that, so maybe that's WHY he's not calling).

After 24 years, I've found somewhere I belong, even if I'm alone most of the time. If someone "loves" me and can't get that, I don't know who they think they're in love with.

Case Law & Blogs

I had to research memoirs for my law class and of course, the Washingtonienne came up... and I got to read that blog. If you think mine is personal, you should Google HER. Anyway, the most important thing about the case was that you can blog about your life as long as you're not malicious and don't truly identify people.

I think I do a pretty good job of that - most of my friends, with exception of a couple, have pretty generic names.

Todd & I are friends now, which is weird but good; I get a email from him every other day or pretty close to daily; Chris asked me to get back together with him, and I said no... or at least "let's see" which I think will be a longer version of no... but one never knows. I know if I say here that I won't go out with him again, I'll end up being with him again, so I'm just going to say one can never say never.

I don't think there's ever been a time when I didn't have boys, at least on the sidelines. Ryan's coming into NYC today, so if I don't blog for days you'll know why. Having him visit will be interesting - its my past colliding with my present. Jackie's really excited about coming to have him visit, I hope he doesn't disappoint (anyone)...

Seriously, though, I think the best thing for me to do right now is be alone. Like Ally Sheedy says in my very favorite movie of all time, St Elmo's Fire, I think its time to live life without any miracles for a while.

Meg's Top 10 Solutions for an Identity Crisis

1. Buy a couple country CDs that echo exactly what you're feeling (Rascal Flatts: Feels Like Today and Sugarland)
2. Get drunk on PBR with your best friend who broke your heart and be able to laugh together again
3. Pick up a homemade Chrismukah bush from your dad via the UPS Store
4. Get an orgasm before 11am from someone you love
5. See a deer carcass strapped to a minivan cross the GWB
6. Put on your altered winter coat from last year and realize that you've accomplished something you never thought possible, or that you were capable of
7. Close your eyes and picture yourself at your college graduation party in a hick bar with your best friends and family in one room, open your eyes and see the Empire State Building, the Hudson River, and your neighborhood in one glance
8. Discuss at length how Rascal Flatts uses branding to be successful
9. Count the many, many blessings you have and how many people care about you
10. Have faith that you will always be the girl you have always been regardless of what size pants you wear, how long your hair is, where you work or how often you fail

My Turkey's in Jersey

I was on the phone last night with Ryan (who's visiting on Tuesday, his first time to any city bigger than Minneapolis), who is my BEST guy friend and has been in love with me since he was 14 and I was 16 (he's 22 and I'm 24 now). Who knows if he still is in love with me, but the devotion is there despite that we've gotten to the point where we can talk about dating other people amongst other things, like fucking around and how his friends with benefits is getting out of line.

I was recapping the weekend and said to him, "I've never been like this about anyone else the way I am about Todd, have I?" And he said..... yes, definitely. And then we discussed if Todd just wants to be friends how I'm going to handle that, and I essentially said if he could do it, I could do it.

But my question is.. can I? I was obsessing over why T hadn't emailed me back, and it was because he didn't get my email. Duh. But my question is... if we will be "just friends" for the rest of our lives (which to me is better than nothing), will I be in love with him for the rest of my life?

I know I should just change the blog's title to "Meg Talks About Todd" but I a) can't help my obsessions, b) can't blog about work without getting fired and c) nothing else is happening other than my law paper being due and my turkey being in Jersey.

That's Some Funny Shit

After my nervous breakdown weekend, I woke up today at 7am (since I forgot something at work and needed to get in early to fix it) cheerful and upbeat and happy about being single and alone and ready to forge a new life yet again.

Ryan said some really great and supportive things that I needed to hear and thus I had courage to hop out of bed, but on my cute green blazer that another girl has at work, and deal with the train at 8:20 am.

I told a couple people I broke up with Chris. Kelly asked if I was okay and if I wanted to get coffee; Michelle seemed surprised I did it so fast, thus missing both the hot tubs in Connecticut and the planned vacation to Grand Cayman); but Jamie had the best response.

Mind you, by this time I had told the story four times, so when she asked me why, I said that I just didn't like him as much as he liked me and that's just not fair, bleh bleh bleh.... but then I also said, "We were watching a movie. And he wouldn't shut the hell up. So I stopped the movie and broke up with him." (Which is technically the case, but it was a lot more than that.) She asked me what movie we were watching, and I told her. DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN made her nearly fall over... and since she's normally really shy, I started laughing too.

And to put my day in perspective, a huge box of padded envelopes missed my head by about six inches when I knocked it down today. On the up side, I only fucked up twice OTHER than that at work. Way to go me!!!

Meg's hint for the day: Don't watch a movie about some guy breaking your heart as a romantic selection.

Chris asked me not to blog about him, so I won't beyond today. But if you want to know the ending of the movie, dear, just IM me.

So that's my funny shit for the day: other than that I printed out the first paragraph of the serenity prayer today, cut it out and put it on a bright pink post it and put it under where I show off my book covers by my computer. I'm sure everyone at work assumes I'm an alcoholic anyway, since alcohol-related gifts are all they buy me, but this definitely cements it.

In reality, I'm just trying to keep myself from a) a nervous breakdown or b) making my brain a complete mush.

Favorite line of the new RENT sdtk today: You'll see boys... you'll see boys...

2 Down, 3 More to go

I'm having nervous breakdowns. I bawled twice in the last 12 hours. Jackie says I probably have three more in me.... which I think she's right. Before I go into massive detail (since we all know I don't blog about anything until I'm fucking reflective about it), I stole this from Kiddo's blog:

Ten Things I Hate About You

Rules:

List ten things you want to say to people/someone, but know you never will.

Don't say who they are.

Disable comments.

Never discuss it again.

If you want to say something about my thoughts feel free. Just know I won't be revealing who I am thinking about, so don't ask.

1) I am not your fucking lackey.

2) Why do you talk about your personal life - at length - with me and then not invite me to your Goddess party even though you've invited other coworkers? Am I not good enough?

3) Call me.

4) You're so desperate. Take a bloody fucking hint and stop calling me.

5) A best friend doesn't just say "uh huh" when I'm telling you how fucking messed up I am.

6) Seriously, cut your hair. It looks ridiculous and makes you look like white trash. Even though I'm ashamed of it, I feel like you're going to embarrass me walking around New York.

7) I'm not sorry that I have a job and you don't. I work hard for what I get, and you're clearly happy being unemployed.

8) It hurts me so much that you complain about picking me up from the airport. It shouldn't be a major inconvienience to pick up your only daughter twice a year.

9) Get the fuck out of my apartment. I pay half the rent here too and I don't want you here.10) I pay for Netflix. Let me watch a movie in peace.

(i'm breaking a rule here, but #9 & #10 is not about Jackie.)

And 3 things I DID say that I either wanted to say for a long time or that just seems appropriate here:

1) I never do anything right for you! I am never good enough! You complain about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I do!

2) You can't love me. You don't know me.

3) I might hate myself now, but I won't in a week and I don't care what anyone thinks of that.

Post #130

I don't care how far behind I am, or when I'll figure out when I'm going to do it, but I'm not doing homework on a Friday night.

Crescendo Time

You know the part in the end of the TV show (drama comedy like GREYS ANATOMY, SPORTS NIGHT, FRIENDS) where the character has a dramatic event and is thinking about everything or has just told someone off and there's a giant crescendo of emotional music?

Well, its crescendo time. The New York City Marathon was today and I went with Chris to his place on 1st Ave at mile 17 and watched for my exboyfriend Todd to run past. And the fleeting image of him wasn't enough for me, so I went with Chris into Central Park at mile 25 to enjoy the runners up close (and because i didn't get Todd's attention earlier in the race). There I got the Pag's attention and because he looked so happy to see me, I couldn't get him out of my mind.

Chris & I said bye (I was in one of those moods due to the whole Todd reminicing that was going on) and I walked through all the crowds to Central Park West. I drifted to the "reunion" area and didn't see him but ran into him while I was waiting for the crowds to thin out by the C line on 72nd Street. I hugged him and told him congrats.

It ended up that I was the only one that showed up to see him run. His friends are mostly scattered, Eamon is selfish enough not to come down and support and he told his parents to stay at home (even though they left him a really nice and long voicemail congratulating him). I couldn't let him walk alone because he seemed wrecked so we got him salt for his muscles and gatorade and walked to the 72nd Street 1 line.

While we were on the train and on our walk, we discussed the usual topics: what's new in our lives, Chris, Eamon, etc, etc. Of course I brought up that I missed him (totally true; the man was my best friend for six months) and then he made a comment about how he mishandled our breakup and that he's realizing the excuses he gave may not be valid anymore. In a moment of clarity on the 1 train, I realized what I had to say. And this is in part thanks to what Chris, Mike, Michelle, Jackie and others have said to me re: todd.

As we neared the 168th St stop, where I knew I had to get off even though I was counting the precious minutes with him. I said something along the lines of
"Yes, I'm with Chris. I like him a lot and I don't know what's going to happen. But whoever I'm with doesn't stop the fact that I was very deeply in love with you and probably still am. You broke my heart, and you did it with the worst timing possible. But I forgive you, and I love you."

I walked off the train, not looking back, and walked past the closing doors of the 1 train, up the stairs, and back onto the A platform. And I knew that it was true - I had forgiven him. (Cue crescendo music)

Will he come back? Who knows. I'd like to go by the conversation Jackie & I had:
Me: I found him three times in 37,000 people. I obviously love him.
Jackie: You know I'm not an optimist. Optimism does NOT look good on me.
I don't know if fate exists. But I'd like to believe in it.

Here's to believing that whatever happens, I have faith in it all being a part of something bigger than me.

And that both Chris and Todd were in my life today for a reason, which I don't know but I'm thankful for.

All you need is love" is a lie 'cause

We had a love but we still said goodbye

And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's

Nothing to blame

At the drop of your name

It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and

Wait on your porch 'til you come back home

Oh, rightI can’t find a flight

So I’ll check the weather wherever you are

Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight

John Mayer is the soundtrack to anyone's thoughful and pensive moods. Too bad we're all sleeping under this brilliant NYC sky. And lucky enough to live in a city where a twenty six mile marathon can be a major spectator sport.

Such a New York Day

It's such a New York Day for me. I ignored the entire train this morning (although duly noting that I pissed off a lady who wanted to take up two spots avoiding everyone and sitting comfortably and another lady who clearly thought she should be sitting) and came to work.....

I've become quite popular at work. I'm friends with the publicists, and I try to make my way down to sales to see KJ every once in a while. It's nice thinking that I'm cool every once in a while and then I realize I'm a complete doofus again.

BUT I did have a stellar moment today. I followed the president of adult publishing and an asst from subrights in to the elevator. The asst asked me how i was and I totally capitalized on something Chris said to me about yesterday feeling like Thursday. I made the adult pres laugh FOUR TIMES going down 14 floors.. which I think is quite impressive. And since I am wearing my very grape frost purple pants today in honor of going to a show later with Chris and his tattooed harem of friends, I think she'll remember me.

And I was just going out for a smoke, and when I walked into the air it was crisp but warm (60 degrees) and I was reminded of how when I first came to NYC in October 2000 that I was amazed the city could be this beautiful late into the year. And then I remembered that the weather is always this beautiful in early November, when the moldy October has worn off and fall is in full session before winter. This is when the magic happens.

I was all full of myself rounding the corner of Rock Center Plaza and 50th Street and enjoying my cigarette (which Chris has nearly convinced me to call "butts" but I refuse) when I ran into tourists. And that's when I remembered it's also tourist city in the Isle.

Great. Now all I'll hear for the next two months out of my boss's window is some homeless guy playing sax. But at least I can make Chris go iceskating.