After work today, I am running down to the Starbucks where I met Diallo (remember him? Chuckle, chuckle) to "study" with my gals, Jenni & Kay. I'm actually spending the night in my own bed tonight (unlike last night) and looking much forward to a night sort of at home (I say "sort of" because I have plans after work for a couple hours with the gals and have no doubt that I'll be working there too) before my big weekend where I will: Take a midterm, Help Jackie put my hair in pin curls, Go to a Zombie party, Dress up as a cowgirl, Introduce Chris to most of my friends and Spend Vast Amounts of Time Having Sex to Make Up For All the Bad Lays Mr. MacM has had and will also attempt to catch up on approximately 3 hours of working out I haven't done this week. That's a lot to do in one weekend...... and I'm already tired from it.
No large French Vanilla, two equals, Dunkin Donuts coffee can wake me up from that. Unfortunately... but perhaps a Pumpkin Spice Latte will help. Those are delicious!
And moving on.... the pool has ended. Working off of my hunch, Jackie HAS won the pool (a mighty $5 is what my sex life is worth) even though KJ was the (surprising) true winner. Yet again, I think Chris & I are the real winners. We were staring in each others eyes on the 6 train and all I could think about was how I felt like I was having an out of body experience.
But there was a moment last night where we talked about some pretty intimate things about exes and the like. In that moment, I felt the way I do with Ryan, where he knows me well enough to know what's bullshit and what's not. And although I know that's not true, I had a feeling that someday it will be true - that whether this romance blows up in our faces (as Kate ominiously warned me of this morning) or if it ends up being (gasp) forever... or even somewhere in between, which is more likely than anything else . . . that at least we'll be close enough to be honest. And that's worth it to me.
I was listening to my Ipod at lunch today and "Learning To Live Again" came on, and I thought it was really perfect for my mood... so even though it's Garth Brooks, bear with me (I love Garth, he's an oddly sexy bitch):
And I say what a great time it's been
A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight
And I say, "can I see you again"
And she just smiles her best smile
And she laughs like it's going out of style
Looks into my eyes and says, "We'll see"
Oh this learning to live again is killing me
God this learning to live again is killing me
The thought struck me that all this has developed with Chris in about 3 days. Normally I wouldn't have even HAD a second date yet, much less developed a pseudorelationship where we decided that we both weren't interested in seeing anyone else because we didn't want to mess this up.
This morning, I got off the train and he stayed on. I kissed him quickly and then got off and when I got up on the stairs I looked over to see if I could see him.. and I couldn't. Suddenly I knew how fleeting this feeling is.... and how hard it is to come back after it. I discovered then that despite my enthuasiasm, I really am holding back and "we'll seeing".... because I don't want to be fallible again, don't want to get disappointed again... but then I realized that I don't idolize Chris the way I do Todd - because Chris TELLS me what he's thinking and feeling for the most part.. so I don't have to imagine that he likes me..
And eventually I won't have to imagine anything else either. (And in case you ask Chris, I have no idea what this means, but it just sounded sooo right.)
1 comment:
SOOOOO....did you have sex or not last night?? It's been 3 days. Simmer down.
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