Ruminations

I have lots of witty things to say; at work, when I first get home; but by the time I can actually sit down here I don't have anything to say.

Other than that I officially FREAKED out last weekend. Particularly yesterday, when I realized:
a) in my drunken cowgirl stupor I had lost my favorite Coach wallet Amanda got me which was the first and only thing I EVER got in a little brown bag from Bloomie's that was more important to me than I care to admit
b) I am forever scarred by the love that was Pagliarulo and
c) there is a good chance that I will screw up the chris/meg connection somehow, knowingly and unknowning... and
d) that I'm completely going to expose myself to the Mac kid (Chris) and will probably end up listening to depressing Alison Krauss songs for another six months until someone breaks my heart

But then I remembered I still have:
a) my passport so I can get into bars and I have money to buy something ridiculously expensive to replace the self worth I had from the Coach Wallet
b) that Jackie likes Chris more than Todd (and Michelle said that she never thought Todd was right for me
c) that I really can't control what happens in my love life
d) Since hypocrasy is one of my pet peeves I can't back out of what I've been lecturing everyone about for years that its better to love and lose than not take the risk of finding someone who will get you and Chris is probably deserving of the risk

So here I go.. walletless and spending more time than I'd care to admit thinking about a dorky arts kid on the East Side.

I will always associate you with Sin City

I am such a busy, busy girl all the sudden.

After work today, I am running down to the Starbucks where I met Diallo (remember him? Chuckle, chuckle) to "study" with my gals, Jenni & Kay. I'm actually spending the night in my own bed tonight (unlike last night) and looking much forward to a night sort of at home (I say "sort of" because I have plans after work for a couple hours with the gals and have no doubt that I'll be working there too) before my big weekend where I will: Take a midterm, Help Jackie put my hair in pin curls, Go to a Zombie party, Dress up as a cowgirl, Introduce Chris to most of my friends and Spend Vast Amounts of Time Having Sex to Make Up For All the Bad Lays Mr. MacM has had and will also attempt to catch up on approximately 3 hours of working out I haven't done this week. That's a lot to do in one weekend...... and I'm already tired from it.

No large French Vanilla, two equals, Dunkin Donuts coffee can wake me up from that. Unfortunately... but perhaps a Pumpkin Spice Latte will help. Those are delicious!

And moving on.... the pool has ended. Working off of my hunch, Jackie HAS won the pool (a mighty $5 is what my sex life is worth) even though KJ was the (surprising) true winner. Yet again, I think Chris & I are the real winners. We were staring in each others eyes on the 6 train and all I could think about was how I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

But there was a moment last night where we talked about some pretty intimate things about exes and the like. In that moment, I felt the way I do with Ryan, where he knows me well enough to know what's bullshit and what's not. And although I know that's not true, I had a feeling that someday it will be true - that whether this romance blows up in our faces (as Kate ominiously warned me of this morning) or if it ends up being (gasp) forever... or even somewhere in between, which is more likely than anything else . . . that at least we'll be close enough to be honest. And that's worth it to me.


I was listening to my Ipod at lunch today and "Learning To Live Again" came on, and I thought it was really perfect for my mood... so even though it's Garth Brooks, bear with me (I love Garth, he's an oddly sexy bitch):

And I say what a great time it's been

A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight

And I say, "can I see you again"

And she just smiles her best smile

And she laughs like it's going out of style

Looks into my eyes and says, "We'll see"

Oh this learning to live again is killing me

God this learning to live again is killing me

The thought struck me that all this has developed with Chris in about 3 days. Normally I wouldn't have even HAD a second date yet, much less developed a pseudorelationship where we decided that we both weren't interested in seeing anyone else because we didn't want to mess this up.

This morning, I got off the train and he stayed on. I kissed him quickly and then got off and when I got up on the stairs I looked over to see if I could see him.. and I couldn't. Suddenly I knew how fleeting this feeling is.... and how hard it is to come back after it. I discovered then that despite my enthuasiasm, I really am holding back and "we'll seeing".... because I don't want to be fallible again, don't want to get disappointed again... but then I realized that I don't idolize Chris the way I do Todd - because Chris TELLS me what he's thinking and feeling for the most part.. so I don't have to imagine that he likes me..

And eventually I won't have to imagine anything else either. (And in case you ask Chris, I have no idea what this means, but it just sounded sooo right.)

Anyone Want to Spend Money?

Chris & I have been spending the last two nights talking. Literally talking on the phone. Last night was a short conversation lasting only about an hour and forty five minutes.

The kid is wonderful, what can I say. He hit it right on the nose when he said something like (I'm totally paraphrasing): "I can talk to you until 1 in the morning and still wake up with a smile on my face." And we have that effect on EACH OTHER which is beautiful.

And the fact that he's already called me beautiful? Good as well.
But we haven't had sex yet. And I joked about holding off and since apparently nearly all my friends think I'm a hooch, there is a POOL on exactly when Chris & I will hit the sack, including day bets and 3 hour increments. Being who I am, I mentioned it to a few people at work, and here's what they had to say:

Kelly - 10pm
KJ- 9pm
Michelle - anytime today, really... before we go to bed, even if technically its Thursday (like after 12:01am)

And I have no idea what Jackie (the pool organizer) is betting but she is the one that should know me best, being my roommate and all. She offered to let Chris in on it but not me (and we all know THAT's no fair.)

If you want to get in on it, feel free. post a comment here, and I'll pass it on to Jack if you want to bet $$. Otherwise, I'd just be curious...

Oh and everyone asked this, so I better give this info: tonight Chris and I are going to meet up after work, go get takeout chinese and watch a movie with his LCD projector on a wall while in bed eating said chinese. I'm staying over (I have a little tote with my overnight stuff) and we're going to eat bfast and go to work tomorrow AM as well.

So make your bets!

SO a Second Date

I'm going to start a whole series like this I think. Or not. But yet again, maybe.......

I went out with Chris last night and the random CL hookup really worked for me. We only chatted online - he IMed me - for about twenty minutes before I managed to fish for an invite to go out with him and his friends to this bar in Chelsea which changed to a bar in Alphabet City...

The first time I saw him, I was reminded of Morgan, which some of you old friends may remember as the hipster (now loser) I slept with at CMJ 2000 - my first time in New York. But in a better way... had the hipster look (glasses, wool coat, Diesel, etc) but not the attitude or the drugs. At first I thought I might be too normal for him (He used to be a performance artist in college) but then we got to talking and we actually missed our stop on the F train because we were so engrossed in conversation. We made it to the bar after getting caught in the first fall thunderstorm completely soaked and talked until his friends came.

I was a little nervous to be thrown in with friends - especially because his best girl friend Katie was going to be there. But everything went smoothly and when they went to Brooklyn he suggested we stay in Manhattan. We did, and we really struck up good conversation - and when we kissed at the next bar an hour or so later, he said he'd been wanting to kiss me for an hour (which I totally was feeling as well).

We met up with Jackie & Ian in another bar and he wanted to take me home so I of course let him.... I'm not going to get into the details but when I woke up I hadn't added a number but I had a good time... and so did he.

I was in a hurry to meet Kate & KJ from work in Bklyn for bocce ball and brunch, so I went home - but Chris was nice enough to walk me across Central Park which was lovely and very tempting to just sit in but I couldn't (and of course all I really wanted to do is nap watch tv make out nap with Chris in his apartment but I couldn't do that either) but the bocce was fun - even if Kate & KJ tended to talk about their work a lot (they work for the same boss). And now I'm home with a second date on tap for Wednesday....

It was weird - when I got home I checked onto IM to see who was on (all these craigslist guys are Im'ing me constantly and every day I'm losing interest) and Todd was on with an away message of "in the park"... and even though its shallow and petty I really, really wanted him to see me with Chris - who is a lot cuter and more successful and just generally a good guy (so far). It's moments like that where I question if I'm over him.....

But when I'm giddy to see that Chris put up an away message that says "recovering from an amazing night" I know I am over Todd as much as I can be..... maybe not over the broken heart but over Todd himself.

So... all.... get ready for a Meg Dating Adventure! Complete with guitars, spiky hair, and David Bowie....and lots of East Side/West Side rivalry (In NYC there's three kinds of people: East Siders, West Siders, and Outer Borough people who don't count - this category also includes Jersey & other burbs. Chris is an east sider, while I am a west sider, tried & true. But we're trying to convert each other).

And to Jennie & Lis.. thanks for the comments. I took a look at myself in Chris's bathroom mirror this morning and I have to say that I look awesome. It's amazing what boys mirrors show that the one at home doesn't. ( I also saw that I should work in a couple places...)

Yeah, A Date

Tonight, because that ho Kate didn't call me, I am going out on a bonafide date. With a fella named Chris - who I met online tonight... who found me through Craigslist.

I've been dying to post about this odd and yet satisfying experience all week. When else can your minimized AOL menu read 56 messages... all blinking at once? But since its almost 9:30 and I promised to meet him at Columbus Circle at 10, I can't get into that now...

But what I can show you is my face, up close and personal, because Jackie insisted that these lovable Craigslist guys needed to see my face and took my picture yesterday while I was chatting to them at my computer. When I saw it, I said - I'm THAT skinny.. and Michelle and Jackie stared at me and then simultaneously yelled YES!

Now I believe.... especially since I can fit into the teenybopper sized Britney shirt (in oh-so-flattering pepto bismol pink) that I bought when I purchased her perfume... which smells surprisingly good.

Yeah, Not a Date

About twenty minutes into our walk down by the Hudson, Managing Ed boy told me that he had two other dates this weekend (quite a ladykiller) and that he doesn't date anybody from work anymore (apparently he had an overnight adventure that did not turn out well).

SO not a date!

What Constitutes a Date, Exactly?

Today, managing ed boy is coming to my hood to eat brunch with me! Well, ghetto breakfast at the diner on the corner, but same difference, only sans alcoholic drinks.

According to our conversation Tuesday, we should have two more "dates" after this. Now whether or not those are dates, I guess, depends on how we act today. I hate not knowing if the guy really just wants to try diners all around the city or if he actually likes me.

But judging that he's coming about 200 blocks uptown to see me, I can guess it's NOT for the diner. But, then, what is it for? Friendship? Another source for gossip? Obviously the fact that I work with the guy moves the stakes higher, which is something I've tried to keep OFF of my mind while getting ready (and I look great, which is helpful.) But we do work at different imprints...........

Anyhoo, I just wanted to blog about when a date was a date - and you knew it! The 8th grade dance is a good example. Although you mostly met up at the dance, ignored the guy while asking your friends if he was looking at you and then slowdanced and maybe ended up necking (and I mean necking) in the back of his car in tenth grade. So maybe this new dating is better.

A thorn in the side of my plan is that also right now, Jackie & Michelle are coming up to get some clothes that I offered Michelle. Of course, she doesn't come up when I'm available to hang out, but when I have a date. However, they may be spying. One never knows - but Michelle was there when we arranged the damn date so who the hell knows.

But in a couple minutes, Managing Ed boy will call and I'll walk down and meet him on the corner, and I'll have a western omelette with cheese. The damn place better not be full.

And of course, now I'm second guessing my outfit. But if I change, then you know he'll call in the middle of changing my shirt. Which I'm totally going to do now.

More later.............................

I love Ludacris..............

Normally I only "like" Ludacris - I mean, I could go either way on his songs... but in the movie CRASH? He's great.

He's partnered with Larenz Tate, who is always one of my favorite black actors (right up there with Taye Diggs...yummy yummy) among other people - and I have nothing bad to say about this movie. All of the characters are dead on, and the Dotti character far surpasses everyone else in terms of beauty (she's playing the daughter of an immigrant from Pakistan).

When most people in NYC hears I'm from Wisconsin, they think of country and cows and the Packers. My friend Mike - and Dwight at one point - there's no black people there, is there?

I totally don't think that's a bad question, considering they are young black men and when I flag down a cab when I'm with Mike, I get it much faster than he does - because I'm a white girl. (I of course blame this on my height - I'm easily three inches taller) - but really, it's all about race - and gender.

I think CRASH is a great movie, and I'm glad it was relatively quiet. The ensamble cast is AWESOME (you know the movie will be good if it has Don Cheadle, after all, although the Brendan Fraser is DEFINITELY questionable).

But on another subject, I did dump Mike. And although I'd like to think I let him down easy, I know I hurt his feelings. It definitely made me feel bad, but at the end of the day Sunday (he was over Saturday night, and then we went to brunch with Jackie and Yafreisi on Sunday), I felt like my old self again - I'm a maneater again (well, not quite, but a lot better than a whiny girl who talks about her ex constantly). I knew that I didn't dump him because he was black, or because he was short (although that was a hinderance)... but because I didn't like him...

And that I'm happy enough being alone to wait for somebody I want. Who will, probably, dump me. But that's okay - because all along I've been saying to anyone that will listen that the ups and downs is what life is all about.

I'll try to blog more.

Every Ghetto, Every City

Every suburban place I've been....Make me recall my days in New Jerusalem

I still love Lauryn Hill, even if she IS crazy now. Like loony bin, I-found-God crazy. But who can blame that girl? One word: Wyclef. Well I guess two words then..................

Anyway, I had a MOMENT today on the train. I was on my way back from work, actually early for once, and I was listening to the pod on a very crowded A and "Burn" by Usher came on after some Billy Joel and some old school junior high era songs played. All I could think about was that Todd probably felt like Usher when we broke up, and that I'm happy we are broken up. Cuz after all, if Todd hadn't broken up with me, I probably wouldn't have created the great friendships I have now and all of that... plus I wouldn't know Mike, who is quickly becoming a close friend (we had the "friends" discussion on Saturday on the corner of 8th Ave and 34th St and it went something like this:

Me: I'm just taking it very cautiously, very slowly you know? After everything that's happened (long drag on cigarettes that he hates - but after working on the Big Tobacco litigation, who can really blame him)
Him: I know, I am too. You know I'm attracted to you. That's obvious. But I want to be a friend. A lifelong friend.
Me: Well that's good. Me too. So if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't then I guess it doesn't.
Him: Great. Now I'm going to get drunk thinking about what you mean by "it".
Me: (Skeptical) Really? Well.. what I mean by "it" I guess is dating, a relationship, sex, what have you.
Him: That clears things up. Listen, let me know if you want to do lunch or a movie, or something this week okay? I know you're busy...
Me: Isn't it close to 8? (he had something to go to at 8.) I better let you go.
Him: Yeah. Bye hon
(Hug and very pecky kiss... still haven't really properly kissed that boy.)

So... I'm listening to BURN and thinking about all that, and how I even HAVE the song - my ex from high school gave me a CD last summer with it, which I took as a signal that the pathetic bastard maybe was still hurting over our breakup five years earlier. Now I'm more sympathetic. My eyes teared up and my chest tightened and I just thought, again, for the millionth time, wow. I'm here. And I want to appreciate that.

But then my mood changed again... with SCENES FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT, which was my anthem with Dan the man from Summer 04. And I thought about how different I am now when I opened the door onto 184th Street, and as I walked to the grocery store I remembered to stand up tall and throw my shoulders back so my tiny gut wouldn't show in this small-sized sweater that I am wearing now that I'm a teeny tiny girl.

And on my way home with my bags from the store and my new Guess manuscript purse/bag, I listened to Lauryn as I walked across the street where she filmed her video for DOO WOP (THAT THING) - my block - and let myself in the door.

You know it's hot, don't forget what you've got

Looking back

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back

You know it's hot, don't forget what you've got

Looking back

Thinking back, thinking back, thinking back

THIS is why I'll never, ever, give up my Ipod willingly. Unless someone tries to rob me for it, and then I'll just buy a new one and leave them with all the problems of mine.