Meg the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Sorry everyone - I was much too tired from the weekend to blog.... and I had this weird propensity to want to be alone all day . . . . maybe it was because I stuck it out with Todd for 24 hours.. not really sure.

ANYWAY, my life is not in as much shambles as it usually is - my boss is at home today editing the life out of a manuscript so I am alone here at the office. I already ran through the stack of rejection letters, cleaned her office, watered her plants and went through my inbox twice. So now I'm really not sure what to do other than a couple of piddly things that I can do in five seconds. So while I put random folders and papers on my desk to APPEAR like i'm working, I'm blogging.

Bah humbug. It's beautiful outside and I'm inside typing away. But considering the sunburn I got this weekend from being in direct sunlight at Shea Stadium and at Central Park yesterday (where my hands BLOATED UP AGAIN!!! Must be the warm weather. I'd hate to see what they look like when its 90 degrees instead of 70) I probably should stay inside. But I'm restless as a direct result of having nada to do!!!

Ho hum, ho hum. So the ulcer has gone away - Jackie made a deposit on the apartment so they can't show it to anyone else, and the broker should be running our credit reports today so that we should know by Wednesday at the latest if we have the apartment. There's nothing really standing in our way because the parents will sign as guarantors on the lease if we don't qualify for it ourselves - which we WILL!!! So no more ulcer about THAT at least.

Now onto the things I DO have an ulcer about. I cried on Friday when Todd spent the night. Mind you, I WAS drunk but I'm starting to think that this is taking a rough toll on me. Obviously, I can't wait around for him, but at the same time I'm not really meeting anyone else (why is that.....) and I'm not really ready to cut him out of my life. And more importantly, I DON'T WANT to cut him out of my life. The IDEA makes me start to tear up (what is wrong with me?) and although we COULD go down the "friends" path I don't think that would be any better. Add some social dependency (Amanda, Jackie & Todd will be the only good friends I have around this summer since Michelle & Autumne are going home) and you have a crazy girl.

My best friend and I were talking about it: that we're both being "those women" with our prospective others - looking from the outside in we both think of ourselves as crazy, but when it comes to hack away at the strings that attach us to these boys, we leave a couple strings hanging and then later attempt to tie the ones we HAVE cut.

The funny thing is, I don't want a relationship with Todd. I don't really want him to even be my boyfriend, much less a "future husband". I just want him to really, really care about me and be into me - like he was at the very beginning of us, and what he was when we got back together. I don't know where that Todd went, but I want HIM back.

What I don't want is the guy that says "I want to see other people" after I haul my hooker-looking ass up to the Bronx, or the guy that says he agrees with Eamon the devil roommate when he says he should date someone new.

I guess I just have to figure out who I'm dealing with, because I don't want THAT guy. And if he IS that guy, I can't let myself take any more punishment.

In other random news (becuase I don't want you all to be depressed when you finish reading this post)

Yesterday morning (okay, noon) I stopped in at Cranberry's for coffee and a PIRATE hit on me!!! He was dressed up for little kids, but that doesn't make him any less piraty (or cute).

AND a bird shat (I love the past tense of "shit") on my hand yesterday at the Central Park Resevoir. A lot of other people would have made a huge fuss, but I just kept walking until I wiped it off with a stick and then continued to wash the rest of it off in a water fountain. It actually amused me since A) i was glad it didn't hit me on the head and B) It's a sign of good luck (apartment anyone?)