In the words of Carrie Bradshaw.... "Sometimes It's Not the Journey - It's the Destination

For the last year and a half (roughly) I've been making excuses for my behavior with Adam and with Todd. I can't do it anymore.

I'm taking my vagina (and my heart) back.

I'm done. & I'm saying it on the record here on the blog, to all my friends to point out when I backslide.

Let me backtrack for a little bit. Last night, I showed up in the Bronx after an hour train ride in a corset, see-through underwear (matching) and thigh high stockings with high heel Mary Janes. And let Mr. Todd do what he wished. Am I not the best pseudogirlfriend ever?

We did that and then went to eat at a BBQ suspiciously close to the Cotton Club, watched a SEMI take off its roof (cut a corner too close to the pillars of the above ground 125th St), and went to the Upper West Side and drank. We had a talk in the subway station (the common place where we have these talks) and he said to me, "I need to date other people." Essentially, the "sow the wild oats" type thing.

Which made me upset.... I blew it off this morning and on the train ride home, but tonight I talked to Ryan and got a much needed reality check. He said that when he was stuck in a dead-end thing like this, I told him it was BULLSHIT to stay.

So I'm not staying. I'm taking my vagina back. I'm not waiting for him to be ready for me, and I'm not settling or being with him anymore. I'd rather have no sex than sex with someone who wants to take and take but not give back.

Welcome back to being alone, something I've been so scared of. And waiting for someone to make my destiny. I'm done.

Now I just have to tell HIM that.

Amanda is in the same situation with her man - I'm not certain she's going to give it up, but I am. I'm taking a "Man in the Mirror" approach - I'm going to make a change for once in my life.. and I'm starting with me!

Moreover, after talking with Amanda & Ryan and deciding I'm going to take myself back, I watched Sex & The City on HBO even though I've seen all of the episodes, and Carrie had sex with Mr. Big even after he hurt her so much (Big didn't want to have sex with her because he was afraid to hurt her, something Todd's said to me) - and then she left and said, "Sometimes its not about the journey, its about the destination."

My journey is filled with taking Adam's shoes off and listening to Todd say over and over again that he wasn't ready and that he wants to date around a bit before he settles - which, aren't I the first person he's dating? - but my destination is taking myself back off the emotional rollercoaster that has been my relationship with Todd (and Adam, for that matter).

I'm going to get over it. And it may hurt me, but it won't break my heart. I'm cutting it (and him) off before he can do it himself. Again. I'm listening.

And not being the crazy girl. I'm being the girl I want to be, the girl that doesn't put up with shit.