Staring into the Distance

This week is FILLED with abnormality - so much so that being at work feels GOOD.

First, Todd & I broke up today (AGAIN, I know, I know) but this time we really talked about it (in email, which actually was a lot better and more therapeutic than us talking) and I feel okay about it. It wasn't right for either of us, and even though we really care about each other, we're both better off not dating each other. But we're still friends. Of course, it hasn't hit me yet and due to the fact that I'm on the monthly cycle of over-emoting, I may have another overreaction soon. So be on the lookout. I've already had at least 2 breakdowns this week.

But it will all be over soon. If anything, it makes work seem better because at least here, I'm not confronting it in my thoughts every five seconds. And my friends have been great ---- Alison, Lori, Autumne, Jackie, and Michelle all had advice to give that was helpful.

One of the things I told to Todd was that I often put myself out there without any concern for being hurt. To me, life isn't worth living if you don't take risks. Sometimes those risks pay off, and other times you end up getting hurt.

I'm also really bad at letting go, or even holding my friends accountable for actions that hurt me or make me feel less than what I am. If anyone saw Amanda's comment on Monday's blog, you know SHE woke up on the opposite side of the bed yesterday than I did. But that's OK... she's completely allowed to be angry.... and if a blog's not for whining and bitching, then what IS it for? I'm not sorry for any of the things I said about her, because that's how I felt at the time - and a part of me is disappointed in her actions. If it had been an isolated incident, I wouldn't have cared. But for those of you that know me, I haven't been too happy with Amanda as of late, since this sort of thing is a pretty frequent circumstance. Not that it's solely her problem either - part of it is that I don't call her on it. But that's for us to discuss when we both have time.

But no one should have to defend their feelings, or make up for them, or pretend they're not there. Because then you're denying yourself. So I'm glad Amanda bitched me out. That doesn't mean I have to agree with her, but at least it brings the problems to light, and the solutions.

In our big meaningful emails, Todd & I also talked about developing your sense of self. A large part of that is who you surround yourself with. For me, that includes a lot of very good hearted people: my boss, my close friends (I could name you all, but I don't think that's necessary) and my family (which at present I feel includes my parents, my brother, Wendy, Josh, Lori, Todd, and Ryan). Even though we might not see each other very often, I know that if I was in trouble any of those people would travel great distances to help me - and vice versa. And that's what's really important.

I can't tell if my heart's broken again like it was when Todd first dumped me. I don't think it is, because I saw this coming - and I already had a good cry last night thanks to my period- and I know its for the right reasons. I don't want to expose Todd's problems to the whole world, but I will simply say that it wasn't the right time for him. And therefore it wasn't the right time for me.

So that's that.

Bring on the booty shaking on Saturday with Autumne, Michelle, Alison, and Diallo the Starbucks guy. And as Autumne says, "When you go out with Meg, bring your cab fare."

It's time to start anew. But first, I gotta settle the old and make Todd buy me dinner tonight b4 hitting up free drinks with Jackie at the book party.