Self Help Books Do Not Help

So - my weekend. I started off waiting for Todd at 45th Street - and then went to Bklyn very awkwardly - but nada was awkward about Friday night. It felt as though we were (sort of) a couple again which was strange.

As I reflect upon it, it does remind me of when Troy & I used to pseudodate and it was in fact, better than actually dating him, which I think is the same for me and Todd.

What was funny about the whole thing was that Friday night was great --- we had wild sex and gentle sex, same for the kissing, and we were cute - we danced, we sat around and drank out of a 40, I sat and talked to him outside the bathroom in nada but his dress shirt, you know the cute stuff. But Saturday? Awkward as hell, and he did that thing that guys do when they want to leave but feel bad so they say nothing. And that's what he did. We went out for breakfast, but it felt strained.

And then I decide to ruminate on the whole thing, after an afternoon shopping with Autumne. I got a promo copy of a book about the whole "he's just not that into you" trend - but this one was "you're just not that into him either". I read it, thinking this way I could dissolve any notion I had that I was still into Todd.

Yeah. DID NOT HELP. This book was utter crap. It had a list in it of questions - and you were supposed to answer them honestly about the guy you were with, or wanted to be with, had just broken up with, etc. So I went through them and made a mental checklist. I come to the end - and this book has decided I'm in love with Todd.

BUT I DON"T THINK I AM. I mean, I could, judging on how long it's been, but I seriously doubt it. I know what being in love is, and this breakup would have hurt a lot worse if I had been in love.

What that book DID make me think about was why I was breakup-sexing with Mr. Todd. And I know why, I think. #1: I wanted him close to me again, in some capacity, and #2: I needed some lovin'.

And, thanks to some introspection on the blog & a really boring Thursday night class, I discovered why I was so bent up on Adam. I was sleeping with Adam as a way to get him to sleep next to me - and that's why I was being kinda slutty. I liked being slutty - in a way, it empowered me - but I also got the intimacy from Adam that I craved. And when he didn't give it to me, it hurt as much as when Todd said he didn't like me enough to be with me. And that's the clue that maybe, just maybe, I should quit Todd cold turkey.

But yet again. I don't know. I am very confused. But I'm certain I'm not as confused as Todd. We were talking about Adam, since he's an avid reader of the blog, too, and I said that I was discovering new issues since opening my heart out to the public here everyday and working through them. And he asked me, how do you work through your issues? So clearly the boy is aware he has them. I said that the best way for me is like a twelve step program: you recognize and acknowledge them as problematic, and then you try to cut the behavior behind them out of your life.

So for this, my issue is that I sleep with boys (or at least, I used to) not to satisfy myself but in order to feel close to them or attempt to get close to them emotionally. To stop this, I should stop sleeping around (which I did, I've only slept with 2 guys in NYC) and try to get close to boys before giving it up (which I sort of did with Todd when we were first together). But I can't figure out if that means I should stop sleeping with Todd, or just keep doing that every couple of weeks until someone comes around that I like.

Being single is so much harder than being in a relationship.

Now, onto lighter things. I watched the Grammys last night - and decided the church thing was a little too much for me, even though I liked the "I'll Take You There" version they did (even though that Staple Singer sounds like she smoked a pack of cigarettes before coming on stage). My favorite performance? Usher. My favorite part of the show? When Fergie from Black Eyed Peas started the whole thing with that voice. Just that voice... "Let's get it starrrttteedd innnn heeeereee"

But what happened to the awards? There were lots of performances, no awards. They gave out like 5 through the whole thing. And what was it with actors promoting their new movies? I love Matthew McConahey (no idea how to spell his name) but what the hell was he doing at the Grammys? And much less, presenting?

And WHAT was that Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony performance? Or the Queen Latifah? Oh - we only have 23 performances, we need 25 to pull in the millions of people who watch this show no matter HOW crappy it is.

Can we get our usual Grammys back? The one where the nominees play the Record of the Year songs, they celebrate the dead people (but not as much as Ray Charles - let the man rest in peace, already), and they GIVE OUT AWARDS.

Last part of the blog for this AM (I know it's long, but I have the time, so why not?) is that this morning, I saw the white homeless guy down the street on the way to the coffee place. (for those of you not in Bklyn, our neighborhood has its token white homeless guy who's scary, and the black homeless guy who's harmless. This is pretty much the token for the city.) It was about 8am, because I got up early to come down to Rock Center and work on homework I hadn't started yet for class tonight before the boss came in. He was drinking out of a Colt 45 40 oz (thank god for NYC selling beer & liquor 24/7) and mumbling about conspiracy theories - all while everyone was just trying to make their way past him to work.

I love New York.